Unreliable friend

[countrylady2]

I had messaged my friend throughout lockdown. In August her mum died from a stroke. I went to the funeral in September and it was the first time I saw my friend in nearly 2 years.

There was a guy who was there and he seemed very familiar with her. I asked if that was her boyfriend and she said yes. She had bumped into him in a shop just before the pandemic and they were messaging throughput lockdown and this summer went on dates. He asked her out the week her mum died and she said dating him will help her get over her mum’s death. I don’t why she hid this from me about her relationship if we are supposed to be friends.

I’m not bothered that she is dating him as she doesn’t love herself and is always needy attaching to men. He is a predator asking her out when she is vulnerable grieving from her mum.

I have tried to ask her to meet up but she only wants to go a see male strippers or expects me to drive her 2 hours for ‘modelling’ shoots with no petrol money being given. I have refused both of these as I am just going to be used and it’s not something I want to do.

I saw one of her best friends from school has joined a local women’s group for friends as she was in some photos so even she is moving on. I know she is probably grieving over her mum but whenever she meets a man she cuts everyone off and revolves her whole life around a man which is what is happening with him as she always posts photos of them together. She always thinks meeting a man to get married and have children with will make her complete. She doesn’t work and neither does her boyfriend.

Yesterday was the final straw as I wished her Merry Christmas, she read and didn’t respond but is posting on social media. She can’t even wish me a good time. In the New Year I feel like cutting her off and moving on.

You did what any good friend would do and supported her through grief. I don't blame you for wanting to move on from her she sounds too young and immature for you and self centred, she wants to party and for you to run around after her, I would just say it's not your cup of tea to go out and see strippers or a modelling shoot, be honest, if you can't compromise on similar interests then you don't have to meet up anymore.
I definitely wouldn't reach out first again anyway, it's rude not to wish a friend merry Christmas in response on Christmas Day.

@dumplings1 Thanks, glad you agree it’s rude having my message ignored. She still posts now on Facebook.

@countrylady2. I had a couple of messages ignored, not for the first time, over Christmas. One was my step cousin, and I could see there was a line of messages she has ignored. She's pleasant enough in person at family do's, just doesn't respond. So I sent another message saying "Rude! Lol" and both have got back to me, pleasantly enough. In my case it was better to do than quietly (or not so quietly) seethe. I know it might be interpreted as some as being passive agressive, but it worked in my case.

She may not make the best decisions about her love life, but you sound terribly judgemental and patronising about her life choices. Would you want to confide in, or spend time with a friend who thought this way about you? Not even sure why you want to be her friend when you don't even seem to like her or have anything in common with her.

Neither of you seem like you like the other, and are holding on to the friendship out of duty. Best to just end it this new year. I think she's already let you know that she's done with the friendship, you should do the same.

@todaysdilemma I know I come across as judgemental, it has all got to me that I have been used and discarded. I'm going to seek reciprocal friendships in the new year. Even my married friends with children have always still made time even though they are busy.

She's not obliged to be your friend.

But thankfully, you're not obliged to be hers either.

Stop seeing yourself as a victim of her poor friendship, and take responsibility for yourself. It's not her job to make you happy, it's yours.