It's that time of year isn't it

[StressyMcStressFace]

I'm not the first and sadly I don't I'll be the last to call time on my relationship at this time of year. I could really do with some advice.

For background I'm 53 dh is 57 married 21 years 2 DC - DD19 at uni DS18 final year of school. Our marriage has been dead for years. He puts no effort into our marriage, is disrespectful of me is an arse and a knobhead.

I have tried and tried to get our marriage back on track. Had counselling in 2016 - useless. Most recently tried online counselling/podcasts - initiated by me - all great for about 3 sessions and then ... nothing. I can't do anything more. Obviously this is the very short version!

An incident this morning threw complete blinding light onto the fact that I am determined to separate this time (we have bandied this about before but never gone through with bc of the kids/finances mainly but other factors too).

We're not rolling in money by any stretch and I just wondered about other's experiences & opinions. Would it be possible to separate but not divorce, sell the house, split 50/50 and go our separate ways? I have about £15k squirreled away. Am I legally entitled to keep that? We both work full time although I have always done 99% of childcare, household stuff & everything.

Sorry this is long and hopefully there's enough info to make sense. Thanks

I believe the standard is that all assets acquired during the marriage, including house, pensions, savings etc. are derived fairly, which usually means 50:50. Having arrangements and accommodation to care for children is also taken into account but with yours this is probably less relevant. So I believe you are only legally entitled to half your savings but I imagine you may have overlooked savings and pensions he may have, which are also equally divided. The only way to get certainty, and it has the advantage of committing you to carrying on with it, is to consult a solicitor. Good look, sounds well overdue.

I feel too tired and sad to go into details but right now I could write a very similar post OP.

I've realised we're flogging a dead horse and need to face up to the fact that this marriage isn't working. We have 2 DC aged 6 and 9.

I don't know how to take the next steps. Can't face telling anyone, how on earth do we tell the kids, where will he live, how will the finances work, how will everyday life be from now on. I know we can't go on but I can't face any of it.

Sorry no advice, just to say you're not the only one.

Thank you pog. Sounds sensible

Hi OP, I'm about 8 months post-decision. We have a decree nisi and we are now wrangling over the financials. You must see a GOOD divorce lawyer before you do anything. As PP said the default is 50:50 and that includes assets like pensions and investments. There may also be an order for spousal maintenance depending on your circumstances.

If you are in London or environs I can recommend a good family law firm.

Contrary to above I believe that women rarely get spousal . I know of one person and she does because there was a fast divorce and it was used as an enticement .You have a job so why would it be needed . The starting point is 50/50 but with the ages of your children it will be unlikely that you will get much more than that . If the 15k is accumulated in your marriage from joint holdings then it will be split . See a solicitor .

Spousal is quite common still where partners earnings are highish but there are little tangible assets to share and generate either money for a new property or enough for a decent lump sum and also when partners job prospects are far more limited. Its a very individual thing and less common than it was— but it still happens in plenty of cases

Thanks everyone. Sorry I disappeared for a while there but we've had family round. (And I'm thinking to myself the whole time this is the last Christmas I'll be spinning this lie to everyone). Great advice from PPs. I doubt if I'd be entitled to any sort of maintenance which is fine. I'm ok with the 50:50 thing and I think he would be too. Which reminds me - I still haven't said any of this to him!! But then again he knows I'm upset bc of him and he's just ignored it all day 😔

Anyway sorry to hear of PPs in a similar situation. Good to know we're not alone

Why don’t you want to divorce? My solicitor advised against legal separation and recommended divorce straight away. I did put it off but regret that now.

Tbh the only thing putting me off divorce is the cost 😬. I'm not particularly interested in meeting someone else and not sure that he is either. I don't know about the legal ins and outs of separation versus divorce. This is all completely new to me in case that wasn't obvious lol. I think you can separate for two years and then divorce with both parties consent as far as I know?

We had "the talk" this morning and it came as no surprise to him although he would equally have been happy to totally forget the fact that I was really pissed off yesterday and just sweep it under the carpet to join all the other resentments that have built up over the years.

@StressyMcStressFace

Tbh the only thing putting me off divorce is the cost 😬. I'm not particularly interested in meeting someone else and not sure that he is either. I don't know about the legal ins and outs of separation versus divorce. This is all completely new to me in case that wasn't obvious lol. I think you can separate for two years and then divorce with both parties consent as far as I know?

You can divorce as soon as the legal process allows for it . You just give grounds of unreasonable behaviour . No Fault Divorce due to come in April 2022. Why would you want to separate and not unlink your finances ? If you don't argue about things you needn't spend too much money on a divorce .

It’s rare that formal separation agreements are t et one any more (they are reserved for the few people for whom divorce is an absolute no no for religious reasons). My solr recommended strongly against one. Costs same as divorcing in any case. No fault comes in in April - so v straight forward to divorce then. Use the intervening time to get full financial disclosure from each other. Men often have much more valuable pensions particularly if they are public sector, any hint of final salary etc etc. It’s a faff and expensive to get them bailed but often v v worth it to have a proper pension sharing order. Given age of your kids you probably looking at agreeing third level education costs and no spousal maintenance unless you earn significantly less than him due to being main child cater - and even then it’s only for a time limited period. Good luck. Don’t delay.
I am 9 months on and MUCH happier! Get some good legal advice from the start

*valued not bailed

If he doesn't know about your savings I'd be inclined to keep that to yourself.
When I divorced my ex said he had zero savings and pensions, which I believe was a lie, but I had no evidence otherwise

@nicelyneurotic

If he doesn't know about your savings I'd be inclined to keep that to yourself. When I divorced my ex said he had zero savings and pensions, which I believe was a lie, but I had no evidence otherwise

Why on earth did you not ask for full legal disclosure ?

With most pension funds you are entitled to one free CETV per year .