Help! 23 people for Christmas!

[Dannie]

I know it?s a bit early for an ?I?m depressed about Christmas? thread, but I?m getting really upset about this, and I need some advice.
DH has invited his entire family for four days over Christmas. This means up to 19 people descending on us. We do not live in a castle. If we want to offer beds to the registered disabled and nursing mothers, we shall have to sleep en famille in my office. They?re very bossy. I know it?s pointless picking a fight with in-laws, but it?s like having your home invaded by aliens, and realising they?re your children?s relatives.
Acceptances so far include dh?s brother and family, who heroically struggled down here 4 yrs ago despite their terrible flu. Ds, then six months old, was subsequently very ill indeed. Their youngest just started school and is only going three days a week because her behaviour is so bad. There?s nothing medically wrong with her, but she goes to bed very late and is given special meals of junk food while everyone else tucks into normal family meals. How do other people cope with bad behaviour from visiting cousins who are being raised very differently from their own kids? (I?m an averagely negligent mother). How do I rise serenely above this? How do you feed 23 people in a small dining room? Are any nice hotels doing child-friendly Christmas breaks ?

Dannie, your sense of humour is brilliant and may well be the one thing standing between you and madness
The only other suggestion I can offer is that you go down with some horribly contagious bug about 4 days before Christmas. Then you can lie in bed and eat chocolate secretly...

Carriemac, Jewish MIL is already in charge of everything. Whole thing is huge conspiracy to make me look useless. Had interesting conversation with SIL at weekend who has earned family reputation for idleness by concluding that on big occasions she cannot compete with MIL (who is actually an unremarkable cook, but that's not the point)
I'm working on a plan where I stockpile humanitarian supplies (wine, chocolate) in my office and try to ensure no one is allowed to sleep there apart from me & DKs (heroically. on the floor. freeing up space for poor in-laws) We could have midnight feasts, then I could send them downstairs to puke on DH.

And next year DKs and I could maybe go on a religious retreat. Perhaps somewhere Benedictine, with high class catering and dinky young novices

Dannie

on how to control unruly relatives kids my parents and nowadays DW and I let people know that any kids in the house will be treated like ours and if they get upto bad things then the wrath of god will seem like a pleasent day compared to me (helps that I can do the big scary adult routine with amazing ease). If they need a telling off I give it to them and it they are really bad then a smack on the bum may be in order.

I did this with a friends children recently and their mother just sat there looking amazed that someone else was willing to say anything when her youngest tried being naughty. She was very happy for me to do it and just smiled at DW when I was finished.

Are you offering to hire yourself out to Dannie then SH?

Simon Howard- I hope you're joking re:smacking other people's kids!! I for one would have you up for assault and I think it's far from uncommon for people to get EXTREMELY annoyed if other adults lay hands on their little cherubs, regardless of their views on parental smacking. Don't go there, I implore you!

SimonHoward - no offence but if you laid a finger on my ds, regardless of how naughty he'd been, I'd deck you.

I have to confess to smacking a friend's child on the foot. He was aiming a kick at DS2s head at the time and I stand by my decision. I am not ashamed in the slightest although, generally speaking, I would never ever inflict corporal punishment on someone elses's child.

Err - back to the original thread? I have very fond memories of huge family gatherings (three families with 5-6 kids each + other relatives) at Xmas time. We would stay up late, the parents would play mahjong late into the night, gossip, drink, etc and we would be served up lots of food and generally allowed to run riot. Kids would end up sleeping on camp beds/the floor. Must have been hell for the mums (who did all the cooking) but great for us! So it can be fun. But admit that I would hate to do this myself now that I am older and, most importantly, the "mum" figure (argh!).

Dannie - If you HAVE to go through with the invasion I think the key is to get everyone to do their share of the work. They're all family so they should all muck in. None of this 'I'm a guest so I'll just put my feet up while you slave away' nonsense. I remember when I was a kid we had huge family gatherings, but it didn't matter whose house we were in, everyone helped out and everyone brought loads of provisions. Mind you, we were in a southern European country, where my family comes from, so large family meals were kind of more accepted.

Definitely don't allow yourself to become the chief cook, cleaner, washer up while everyone else relaxes. And don't forget to book Christmas in the Seychelles/Caribbean/South Pole for next year

Florenceuk you're quite right. The DKs are devoted to their cousins and will have a lovely time. I should perhaps add for balance that my own family are worse. We invited them last Christmas and they all said no. And when they do get together, they spend all their time making nasty remarks about each other. I still cherish the memory of the telling off I got in Xmas 1999 when I suggested that in the interests of festivity my mother should stop making nasty remarks about my SIL every time she left the room.
It's just that this many people aren't fun unless you're 4 and they're all giving you presents.

top advice there - think you should go for it and be brutally honest (in a four year old fashion) if anyone gives you something you don't like/already have etc

In fact in-laws have excellent rule of discouraging presents for adults. I think optimum age to model my behaviour on would be teenager. then I can stay in bed and not speak to anyone

I recently read about an enormous family that met every year at a large mansion in the country where they all pulled together to in the common dinning room and kitchen to meet for various meals but they had their own flats which allowed all families to escape. Couldn't you suggest that DH - or more than that tell him that as long as he organised/paid/cooked for the whole thing then it would be fine (that would put my DH off straight away)

Just as a postscript, the sewer's backed up and the manhole just outside the kitchen door is overflowing (you must all think I make this stuff up...) DH spent all of yesterday promising to fix it, but I'm the one who's up early and about to enter "lifting manhole covers" into Google (it's the kind you usually need a special round thing to lift, I think). An endless range of "I was expecting a s**t Christmas, but..." jokes beckons. Along with possible cholera among my in-laws. So it's not all bad.

Have succeeded in clearing drain, which made a most satisfying slurping sound as the blockage headed south. This creates the problem that as well as being anti-social, I shall be insufferably smug all day. Meanwhile, rest of house is STILL asleep! Think I'll go and eat all the marzipan chocolates.

Dannie: respect. Clearing a backed-up drain beats anything on my list of Things I Don't Need A Man For. I keep trying to add to it but jump-starting a car is my best score so far.

Then I got in the shower and discovered someone had turned the boiler off.
Agree about not needing men, my DH can't even drive a car, let alone jump-start one, but he was indispensible on Christmas day as I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone except my kids.
He's furious with me for not being more sociable, I'm furious with sister in law who left sacks of nappies for me to put in the dustbin (when I had a new baby I had to host Christmas, so how come she gets to spend half the day in bed?), and kleptomaniac niece (see below) who left with several of dd's presents (admittedly not the nice ones)

Did all 23 actually come for Christmas?!

We were 18 in the end, and 22 on Boxing Day, when we were joined by DH's oldest friend & his family, all v. happy after spending a nice Christmas day with just the four of them. DH thinks that's sad & weird. I think it sounds lovely.