Pregnant and struggling to cope with DH depression

[Elderflowersmile]

Hi everyone, first time poster but longtime lurker here

I've reached a point where I'm feeling really lost, exhausted and alone and I don't know where to turn. Warning in advance that this will be a whingy/slightly self pitying post, but please be gentle with me as much of my Christmas has been spent crying and feeling like trash.

My lovely DH has been suffering from depression on and off for years. Its very cyclical and is often tied to his up and down career as an artist and writer. Due to the pandemic, he's seen a downturn in his finances and has struggled to get his work in front of people due to the lack of exhibitions and art shows. He struggles to stand out on social media, and feels excluded from a very exclusive clique of artsy luvvies (I think most of us have encountered the like in our lives). They seem to soak up all of the freelance work that's going and he feels like he's scrabbling to just remind people he even exists.

Usually I'll listen to his venting without complaint because I love him so much and want to provide that emotional support. Hes been my rock and best friend over the years and I want to bd the same for him in kind. Because of everything that's been going on however, I've found that my support reserves have been a bit depleted over the last 2 years and it's getting harder and harder to cheerlead him and bouy him up when he's feeling low and unmotivated.

I'm 3 months pregnant and it was a rough first trimester. I was feeling constsntly nauseous, tired and without much of a support group as I went NC with my abusive family a long time ago. 2nd trimester is much better, but baby brain has certainly kicked in and it meant that I probably didn't put the effort into gift buying that I normally would. Christmas is a Big Deal to DH (and to me by proxy, as it became a lovely time of year for me through his excitement for it). I normally get him really thoughtful 'surprises' tied into the shows he likes or the comics/manga he's enjoying. My brain just hasn't been in that space this year however, and so I stuck to the admittedly boring stuff he'd slapped on his amazon wishlist. Anyway, after unwrapping presents he pretty much went back to bed and spent the whole day in a gloom - he relies on Christmas to pick him up after a crap year and it didn't happen this time because of me. What makes it worse is that he went to a lovely effort for me with a little spa break and a sculpture of one of my book characters, so it made me feel like "if he could make all that effort feeling as shit as he does, then I really am the worst wife ever." I've tried saying I'll make it up to him when we get back home (we're currently staying with family who are unsupportive of DH depression / career) but he says there's no point, he just wants me to have a nice Christmas and not get dragged down by him. It breaks my heart when he says things like this.

Then there's the matter with our DC expected June 2022. DC was planned, DH is excited for their arrival. However we live in a 2 Bdrm house and don't have the means to buy a bigger house. 2nd bedroom is currently DH art studio. He says he will gladly turn it into a nursery when DC is 6 months old, but there's this sadness that he will have to pack away a huge part of his identity as an artist in the process. Even though this was a joint venture, it makes me feel like I'm inflicting this on him even though he insists he's excited to be a Dad. I would never have gone down this path if I didn't believe he was on board. I know ultimately he will be a brilliant dad but I don't want him to sacrifice who he is as fall into even more despair.

I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense or feels like First World Problems. I swear were not a pair of rah-lings who expect life to be an unbroken lane of green lights. We both come from broken/poor AF households and were brought together by that shared experience, in many ways. We want to do better by our future child and I think we can. I just feel awful because this selfish part of me wants to shake DH and tell him I'm sick of the whinging, and that his 'ar-teest' rants are getting old. That I'm knackered and fat and yes, a bit resentful that he won't go to a doctor because he doesn't want them to just throw meds at him and send them away and he thinks counselling is bullshit. I know I shouldn't fixate on 'fixing him' because it doesn't work like that and it in turn makes it all about me. But f* me if I'm not just so tired and lonely.

Again , qapologies for this rant. I don't even know what the point of it is. I just feel like I'm betraying DH if I vent to friends or family IRL. I think some part of me just wanted this out of my system. So I'd you've made it to the end , my sincerest thanks. Hope you're having a lovely Christmas,/festive break

You are suffering from depression fallout but you cannot and should not be acting as his sole sounding board here. You are now pregnant and your own reserves are depleted enough as it is. He could well suck you dry ultimately and from that resentment of him along with his artist/writer career will only further deepen.

Re your comment:-
"Anyway, after unwrapping presents he pretty much went back to bed and spent the whole day in a gloom - he relies on Christmas to pick him up after a crap year and it didn't happen this time because of me".

He made a choice to go back to bed, none of this is on you and it is grossly unfair of him to solely use you to bring him out of any depression. What he is doing is not working for him or for you.

You can only help your own self ultimately and it is certainly not your job to fix him. Do not make him the hill you die on. Only he can do that and he seems in his own way to be quite happy as he is. He is not being at all proactive about addressing potential career change ( so many talented artists and writers struggle financially and never make a steady living from it) or even going to the GP.

He has not done anything apart from using you as a sounding board so I would stop being his audience. If he won't go to the GP that is his choice but you need to tell him that you have choices too. You can indeed tell him you are tired and lonely, you are tired of being his sole sounding board and that he needs to get proper help rather than expecting you to carry him solely because you certainly can't do that when you become parents. Its not fair on you, or for your as yet unborn child. You need an outlet and issues like this also thrive on secrecy. Time to bust this wide open now and particularly before you give birth.

If he doesn’t want to try meds or counseling he needs to be trying things that might lift his mood on his own. Exercise, socializing, meditative type practices, getting outside, increasing sunshine/vitamin D absorption are all things that can help. When he finds something helpful he needs to make it a regular part of his life.

Managing his depression is his responsibility. The same way managing chronic physical health problems (like say, diabetes) is the responsibility of the patient. There’s a difference between expecting friends and family to be supportive and making them responsible for your mood. It’s not his fault he’s depressed but it is his responsibility to manage it.

I think this Christmas as you are pregnant and sick you should have been getting the attention but somehow he has made it all about him..again. He sounds quite selfish actually and l think you need to stand back a bit and see what this guy is doing making a big drama going back to bed when his sick pregnant wife hadn't the energy to make his Christmas exciting enough. What is he..a baby. He needs to man up if he wants to be a decent father and sorry but that includes looking at his profession and deciding if there are practical ways he can add to the household money now that there is a baby on the way.
I have lots of sympathy for sufferers of depression but those who live with them need to be very aware of taking care of their own mental health and not getting sucked into being the supportive one all the time. You are pregnant and now need his support. How he steps up here will give you an indication of what kind of father he will be.
I suffered a lot with sickness in all my pregnancies and can't remember if l even got out of bed on Christmas day not alone buy presents for dh..no online in those days. My dh also suffers from depression but he would have spent the day bringing me little tit bits l could possibly eat and generally fussing over me.
It's not your job to make him feel better. Please remember that or you will exhaust yourself and he will be no happier. A bit of tough love is called for.