Uncontrollable jealousy

[showersandflowers]

I'm married and currently pregnant and very happy with my life. This holiday season has just been filled with pregnancy/ engagement announcements from close friends and family (4 announcements so far). Please don't judge me, but I get uncontrollably jealous with each new announcement. I can't control it. Yesterday, my brother and future SIL announced they were engaged and I couldn't respond: I just pretended to be far too busy preparing dinner to be able to stop and congratulate them. I am happy for them, of course I am. But the involuntary part of me is filled with hot jealousy and I hate this irrational part of myself.

I can't see a reason for it: I have everything they have and yet my brain still responds like this. Anyone else experience this? Any tips on how to not be such a shitty excuse for a human being? I feel so guilty for these feelings I can't help.

(P.s I did call my brother and SIL later saying I was so sorry about earlier, I was just so busy. It gave me time to compose myself so that I could let them know that I am actually really happy for them)

Can you pinpoint when this started? It’s really bad, I have to be honest, when you can’t even pretend, it feels like you don’t want others to be happy as your immediate reaction.

Maybe consider therapy?

Definitely think about therapy.
You can learn about why this triggers you so much.
It is a behavioral choice not to mask your reaction and pretend to be happy for them though...that isn't uncontrollable, your reaction and feelings may not be controllable but you are making a decision about making that quite visible. People will notice and it's likely to damage your relationships. Perhaps some practicing of different phrases to use to congratulate people. Also looking into some quick grounding techniques or breathing techniques you can use to help you with feeling overwhelmed in that moment.

@Bluntness100 as far as I can tell, it's been my whole life. Me and my brother in particular had a very competitive childhood, competing for my parents' affection and praise so I'm pretty sure that's the cause. I had a childhood best friend who would also be very competitive with me when it came to attention from other people. I am very aware that this is an awful trait on my part and try everything to make sure it doesn't show but it doesn't stop the internal turmoil. I felt so guilty about yesterday that this morning at half 5 I ordered a card and a massive bunch of flowers to be delivered to their place!

I think therapy might be in order...

@NewtoHolland grounding techniques sound good, I'm going to look some stuff up. I think my brother was a particular trigger. I managed a very enthusiastic congratulations to a pregnant cousin yesterday and we had a lovely chat about her new pregnancy, even though inside I was very conflicted. But my brother was a bit too close to home :(

Thanks for the suggestion!

I should add, my brothers announcement was over FaceTime and in a room with the rest of my family there all getting super excited, so although he probably noticed, I don't think it was a as dramatic as him telling me and then me ignoring him: it was more like in the chaos of over one cheering with excitement, I was busy in the background cooking. And like I said, I called back later to give an individual congratulations to them both and have sent a card and flowers. L

Definitely look into some therapy OP.

I don't mean to sound harsh but this isn't normal - it's more normal to feel mildly jealous because you remember your own happy times but not to this degree. It sounds like you struggle not being centre of attention and you need to learn to manage this as you become a parent and are never centre of attention again!

@over2021 (great name btw) urg, such a good point about parenthood! Not harsh at all, honest, impartial advice is what we come to mumsnet for :)

But why are you jealous?
You are literally living the same life.
Or did it not bring the happiness you thought?

Give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up about it.

It doesn’t sound too bad to me.
You don’t do or say anything negative, so it’s not like you’ve done something bad.

I’ve felt like this for few years now.
But I keep it to myself, so it’s okey.
Don’t be too hursh on yourself.

** It’s really bad, I have to be honest, when you can’t even pretend, it feels like you don’t want others to be happy as your immediate reaction.

Maybe consider therapy?**

^This

I think therapy would be a good idea - it sounds as if this stems from your childhood and what you learned is a very unhealthy dynamic. You have insight - you know that this is wrong and you try not to act on it - so you will benefit from working through it. Ultimately you will come out happier and kinder, and that can only be a good thing.

Yes try not to beat yourself up, you made up for your involuntary reaction, it doesn't sound like you can control it, it sounds like it almost shocks you, the appearance of it. I get the same sort of experience (anger not jealousy)and can't talk if someone insults me or shouts at me, I feel the emotion rise up quickly but I can't respond... at all! You were taught how to be competitive but not how to deal with the emotions attached to that, so therapy sounds the best way to tackle it. Good luck

It sounds like a learn behaviour, so you can unlearn it.
Worth doing it now, so when baby arrives you can stop the comparing.
You don't need to always win, it is so hard to live this way.

I am very aware that this is an awful trait on my part and try everything to make sure it doesn't show

But it DOES show and yesterday you didn't seem to make any effort to control your reaction. This is presumably the brother who you were so competitive with as a child, and yet you've already got everything before he has . You're married and pregnant , and he only just got engaged. But somehow you are still jealous to the point where you can't even smile or say congratulations. You certainly need some help with this , or you'll find yourself with major problems .

It is horrible when someone rains on your parade especially when it is a sibling who has always done it. Admitting you are like this shows you are aware of the situation.

Counselling sounds like the best option, and it is always good to talk
Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

I just wanted to add.... it's also your parents' fault allowing the rivalry to get to the stage where it affects your life.

In the nicest possible way OP, you will be overestimating how well you mask this. Other people are generally pretty sensitive to how their good news is perceived by friends/family in my experience, they will have notice and will continue to notice - agree you need therapy to address this.

To me, it sounds like you chose the marriage/family/parenthood route - possibly relatively early - and have taken pride in making that your area of success. So marriage/parenthood have become your thing. And now you feel threatened because your rivals have entered "your" arena and might now do better than at it than you. Is that right?

Definitely get therapy or this will mess up your whole future. Imagine how competitive you'll feel about your kids, versus your brother's kids! When they walk, when they talk. School achievements, exam results, universities, careers... It could be DECADES of misery. There's so much scope for comparison when it comes to parenting.

Don't seek therapy to stop you raining on others' parades, seek therapy to ensure you're not bitter and miserable for the rest of your life.

Me and my brother in particular had a very competitive childhood, competing for my parents' affection and praise so I'm pretty sure that's the cause.

So this actually sounds like the response is fear based. Can be summed up as "I have to win or I won't be loved."

Therapy could really help you here. You could find a coping technique for now, to self-soothe and reassure yourself when you get news that triggers this response. While at the same time working on unpicking those childhood beliefs and need for external validation.

Lots of good advice on this thread.

Don't waste your energy trying to compensate - get lots of therapy instead.

As a pp said, parenthood will be a struggle unless you can address this need to compete for attention/affection.

What will stop you competing with your own child? Setting your child up for competition with their peers? Alienating your family because you can't be pleased for them?

Hi OP. Whilst not great that you feel like this - for you or anyone, it is good that you recognise it as an issue.

My mum experienced similar feelings of jealousy and not being the centre if attention hard.

Rather than recognise it as something within herself, she genuinely believed other people were doing these things on purpose to upset her. It was particularly focused on me growing up and into adulthood. She would sabotage me, tried to get social services involved with my children, lied about me etc

It was all driven by a jealousy that made her very unhappy my sibling and I have had no contact with her for 10 years, she has missed out on my children growing up and has never met my niece.

It wasn't just us. She only has friends she considers herself to be better than so she can never feel envy and enjoys the fact she thinks they envy her. She presumes they do.

We all feel pity for her but the bitterness and anger that she feels has tainted her life and ours.

Well done for recognising it and please do get therapy.

I get this about babies. I got it when I was pregnant about people other being pregnant. I don't know it's that I feel they are doing it better than me. So op that's the competitive side, however I'm not competitive in the slightest, but I know my life isn't perfect so I get jealous.