I always ruin things apparently

[Grinchypinchy]

So I’ve been with my boyfriend since May this year. Things have been going well, he’s told me he loves me etc. We couldn’t spend Christmas together but we promised each other next year.

Recently we had a phone call he was talking about a situation about a friend and said “ I could be in love right now but I’m not going to do what he did. I can imagine if you had the right girl you’d think she was one of the most important people in the world to you”. I don’t know if I was being sensitive but I felt like he was essentially saying that’s not me. I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t want to ruin Christmas.

We had a fake Christmas a couple days ago it was nice. But I text him yesterday like I feel a bit sad and i wish he was here. He replied back to me like nothing is ever good enough for your Christmas is about appreciation, we had a our day. I was confused because I was saying I wish he was here. We chatted a bit here and there but I ended the day with I love and appreciate you so much. He replied back with ❤️. I replied back saying after the conversation we had we can talk after the festive period to which he replied you always ruin everything and you’re always looking for a problem.

I’m sorry if it’s long, I just don’t get what I said wrong in the first place, the last time we were together it was so so nice, then we spoke on the phone and I felt he was being dismissive of me

It sounds like he’s not that into you from the conversation you had but you should have called him on it straight away. Anyway it’s not working, hasn’t been a year yet so end it

New year, new boyfriend

From what you’ve written, I’d say he’s making his excuses now to back out of the relationship, or to at least cool it.
Twice in that he’s put he blame on you. ‘Nothing is good enough’, and ‘you always ruin everything’.
Now, either he’s right and you’re a bit needy/clingy, or he’s making his excuses now.
Think about how you want a relationship to be, and if this is good enough for you.

Tbh he doesn’t sound very nice. You’ve been with him for only 8 months and he said you’re negative and ruin things, this is still meant to be the honeymoon stage where he doesn’t want you to see any of his bad side but he’s okay about being a jerk already, wow.

Think about what you are getting out of this relationship. It should make you happy, it shouldn’t be about wondering when he’ll put you down again. That’s not love, that’s abuse.

It’s so weird because I’d say he was the clingyish one, he always calls nothing extreme but I will say I try to not show my feelings due to past hurt. So maybe I’m being sensitive when I show my feelings and he doesn’t do the same? I don’t know

He's not into you and sounds mean. End it.

The phone call seems like he's letting you know he's not in that place yet, which is a bit arrogant for him to feel like he has to make sure you know that. I don't understand his response to you saying you miss him. What is that ruining? It could be the way he comes across in the post but he seems emotionally immature I'm not sure I'd want that grief tbh.

@Shebangshebong

He's not into you and sounds mean. End it.

This.

Often heard it said that the words "always" and "never" spell the end of a relationship, as in "you always [do this]" or "you never [do that]. It's a sign of deep seated resentment. So saying you "always ruin things" - after only eight months! - is definitely not a good sign. Is that really how he sees you? This is supposed to be the honeymoon period!

@Shebangshebong

He's not into you and sounds mean. End it.

Exactly this. And he loves the fact you're in love with him (god knows why) and he's deliberately making you feel bad.

I’ve been feeling like he’s not into me. I can’t put my finger on it and In the past I put it down to my own insecurities. He’s always said he chooses me, he’s mentioned moving in together so I always feel like I can’t quite tell. The conversation we had tells me everything I suppose

‘I can imagine if you’ve got the right girl’ oooh no, your instincts were spot on with that one. Dump. NY, new bloke!

I don’t think he’s keen OP
What’s your situation? Children?him?

He might be emotionally unavailable?
He is making you feel bad, doubt yourself etc. He isnt making any effort to understand you, just narrating the scene as He sees it and dismissing any other perspective.
End it OR it will drag out, you will end up in knots and he will headfuck you.
Been there, done that. Run.

The first example is a bit ambiguous, if it was a one-off I could understand it being misphrased - and it’s hard to tell without broader context of what the conversation was about.

The second example reads to me as though you had a conversation which involved a bit of a disagreement / tension but ended nicely on both sides and then you revived it by saying you’d talk about it again in future - that seems to me like you seeking to revive the argument or have the last word. Not him.

"you always ruin everything and you’re always looking for a problem."

Nasty.

Just get rid.

I think if you were to (I don't know if you were) being needy / clingy then it's probably because he's making you feel that way. From what you've said that he's said I could guess that he's not into into you. Granted, it takes a while to establish a relationship - I'm not sure this is going in the direction you want it to.

@Grinchypinchy

I’ve been feeling like he’s not into me. I can’t put my finger on it and In the past I put it down to my own insecurities. He’s always said he chooses me, he’s mentioned moving in together so I always feel like I can’t quite tell. The conversation we had tells me everything I suppose

You know that feeling when you know something isn't right but you can't quite put you finger on it? Well it's called gut instinct. It's your gut instinct telling you something isn't right . Your deeper intuition, your subconscious is picking up signals that it's not comfortable with. Listen to it. It's when you ignore this that you find yourself in unhappy relationships with people who weren't right for you and you should have ended it long ago. Don't be that person. Get out now and look for someone who doesn't give your subconscious all these warning signs.

@Grinchypinchy - his initial comment about being in love and having the right girl was very off. However, if everything else was going really well, then I think it could be overlooked, but it sounds like it isn’t. You aren’t feeling secure in the relationship because he behaves quite coldly to you and the comments he made are out of order.

I don’t think that initial comment can be overlooked actually - it’s hugely telling.

OP, end it before he does - or before he drags it out with mixed messages, sly criticisms and gaslighting for months rendering you absolutely miserable.

Yes, his initial comment and all the follow up suggests he’s not that into you and was unkind at best.

Talk of future xmases/cohabiting is just talk.

He doesn’t sound right for you.

Two options here.
Either he's backtracking from previous words and feelings, and trying to get you to do the dumping so he doesn't have to.
Or he's setting you up for a Coercive Control style relationship, whereby he behaves like .... and you run round like a headless chicken trying to please him.
There is NO third option!
Watch some Youtube videos on Narcissistic Relationships if you want to understand the mechanics.
Or just dump him before things get more complicated.
You deserve Better.
Happy New Year Grinchy