Triggered by family at Christmas

[Pythian]

I am a recovering bulimic and have been doing my best in recent years to control my purging behaviour, which has meant that my weight has been going up and down a lot and I'm currently a lot heavier than I would really like to be. I have been trying to work on my tendency to value myself only for what I look like and focus on being good at my job, on hobbies I enjoy, and on being a good friend to people I care about. I don't pretend to be perfect but I feel like I've made a bit of progress, although I do hate looking in the mirror or seeing photos of myself.

I'm at my parents' house for Christmas, and last night my dad pointed out that I was carrying too much weight and I needed to "do something about it". I shut him down by refusing to get drawn into discussing it, but frankly the damage has been done and it's all I can think about now. I have all these horrible little voices telling me I need to throw away all the food in my cupboards when I get home and that everyone is looking at me and thinking how fat I am.

I know my dad is old-fashioned and basically thinks I've failed as a daughter because I haven't got married and had children, and I've come to terms with that. But what has particularly upset me this time is that he's been ill all Christmas and I've been making an effort to keep popping into his room with drinks and presents, and trying to cheer him up, and I've done all the little jobs that he would normally be doing over Christmas. And all he can think is "Oh, Pythian looks fat at the moment, better make sure she knows I've noticed". As if I can be kind and helpful to others, successful at work, but if I'm not thin then that all counts for nothing and I'm not good enough.

Not sure what I want people to say, really, but I'm feeling pretty dark and would like to hear from others who find it difficult to spend time with their families, and maybe ask how you've made it ok for yourself?

You should be really proud of yourself for controlling the purging OP and focusing on things that are important to you. Look at how far you have come to achieve that, I am sure it has been difficult and taken a lot of inner strength to get there. That has come from you, no one else. Do not let anyone else devalue this for you by insensitive, throwaway comments.

Your Dad's comments were not OK. Whether he is ill or not. I have different issues with toxic family members. For a long time, I too was a people pleaser. I would do anything to raise my worth in their eyes and bend over backwards to try and make them happy. One day it just clicked, I was making myself miserable to please people who cannot be pleased and do not care about my feelings at all. I have gone NC with the worst offender. Any other contact with family is scant and on my terms.

Focus on your happiness and recovery. You have come so far. Dont let him take that away from you.

I had an awkward Christmas too- made myself sick and spent all day feeling uncomfortable with my mum in law!!! Massive argument with husband at 3am

Your dads comments were not okay and well done on really trying. I promise you we haven’t had amazing Christmases

Thanks both for your support. As well as the upset, I also have some anger this time. Like, I did all this for you, and that's what you've got to say to me, at Christmas? Even dressed up as a "health concern" it could have been better timed and more kindly phrased.

It's funny because people who know me through work and hobbies wouldn't say I was a people pleaser at all. It's just my parents I'm like this with. They're supposed to love me whatever I look like but it always feels conditional on how fat my arse is on any given day. There's a whole other dynamic with them and my older brother, but I'm not going into that or I'll be here all day...

I think anger is Ok to feel. Channel it though, dont bottle it up. We are naturally programmed to want to please our parents, again this is nothing you have done, its very much about your father. Spend today doing something that makes you feel good, remind yourself of how fantastic you have done and, as someone once said to me, there is space in your head for all the bad stuff-its at the back-put it in there and shut the door.

You dont need anyones approval, even his.

I’m a healthy weight, and was about to write that I have a healthy relationship with food, but it strikes me that I’m usually on some kind of restrictive diet in order to maintain that healthy weight- just like my mum in fact 🤔. And that my mum often makes little jibes about my weight, and that both my parents often remark how “disgusting” overweight women (never men) are when they see them.

With my parents however, this is the tip of the iceberg of their dysfunction and unpleasantness, so I have effectively dealt with it by going NC.

If I were you, and I have been in times past, I'd take my fat self home. And if tell my parents using those words.

You should choose whichever emotional response makes you stronger.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

If I were you, and I have been in times past, I'd take my fat self home. And if tell my parents using those words.

You should choose whichever emotional response makes you stronger.

I love that - wish it had been practical last night but it was nearly midnight and I was in my pyjamas... in reality I will probably not be strong enough to go NC. I still feel obligation towards them and they weren't abusive or neglectful to the extent that you read about on here sometimes - just emotionally unintelligent, if I'm being generous. I will probably just avoid talking about anything personal around them and stick with work and what's been on the telly.

This is why I don’t bother spending Christmas with my parents, life is too short to deal with people who put you down like this. In the future, spend Christmas with people who respect you, whether that’s other family members or even just yourself.

'and would like to hear from others who find it difficult to spend time with their families, and maybe ask how you've made it ok for yourself?'

I am making it ok for myself by swearing to never ever spend Christmas with my parents ever again. Both my parents have been very hard work and very unpleasant over the last few days, and like you OP, I'm feeling very triggered. I'm done with it all. They are just not safe for me to be around for this long

What your dad said to you was horrible, really nasty and controlling. I think sometimes that all the trying and planning and strategising we do is just not worth it. They are just too nasty and toxic and we expect too much of ourselves around them

I am making it ok for myself by swearing to never ever spend Christmas with my parents ever again. Both my parents have been very hard work and very unpleasant over the last few days, and like you OP, I'm feeling very triggered. I'm done with it all. They are just not safe for me to be around for this long

Yes - exactly. It feels unsafe. I had to pop home this morning to pick up something I'd forgotten, and the sense of a weight being lifted was almost physical when I was driving away. My mum is also very hard work in a different way, although like crackofdoom's she does the whole "pointing out fat women" thing, even though I am also a fat woman. Her MO is to ask a lot of quite mundane questions in an aggressive, interrogative tone so that you feel like you're under attack when you're just trying to describe what you did at work that day or something. And if I ever object to the "pointing out fat women" thing she flies completely off the handle and accuses me of having a go. Yeah, next year I think I'm going to find a way to only come for Christmas Day and not do the prolonged visit. It would be a lot easier if I had kids - maybe I should adopt some!

'It would be a lot easier if I had kids - maybe I should adopt some!'

Well, yes and no. If you did have kids, you might feel even more obliged to facilitate them spending time with granny, while also worrying about the impact of her behaviour on them. I don't have kids either. It can be really hard, but you have to feel justified in standing up for yourself and prioritising your own needs, rather than having any kids to use as an excuse

Yes, it was a slightly tongue in cheek comment, but I don't underestimate impact on kids of having tensions between their parents and grandparents, and of the possibility of crap parenting techniques being handed down the generations. It's a big part of the reason I decided not to have any.