Trapped

[menopausemansions]

Long time member but name changed.

I am starting to feel trapped in a relationship with dwindling love.

My DH is not cruel or violent. But he's moody (can sulk like a child for a week), moany, thoughtless and disorganised and I'm fed up.

He's been off work for a few weeks but achieved very little other than my writing lists of things to prepare for Christmas and him still not following them. He can literally be in a supermarket and not buy milk because it's not on a list I have written whilst working. Even though he used the last milk in his tea before going out. He failed to get his sister a present for Christmas even though he had decided what to get because he forgot. He puts everything off until the last possible minute so is permanently rushing around. He bought Christmas treats he likes but not an of the ones I usually have when I have shopped for Christmas for the last 25 years.

He is semi retired and has been planning a career change only he is always planning and never acts. I work in a very busy full time role. I was part time when our two children were little and did all the household stuff and managed the kids.

I want to discuss our relationship calmly and like adults but he's so moody that he takes it as a criticism so I keep quiet until I get so frustrated I end up being really harsh.

As I said he's not a horrible person just thoughtless and disorganised which means I carry the mental burden for both of us and I just don't want to do it.

Sorry for the long post but I'm just not enjoying life although I know things could be worse and I've a lot to be thankful for.
Any advice welcome. Will things get better or is this the rest of my life? Being a mother to a moody old man?

They won't get better, they'll probably get worse. What happened about his sister's present, did she go without or did you get something for her?

Thinking that things could be worse and you have a lot to feel thankful for is you really putting a gloss on things at home that are intolerable. Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men either.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Sulking is yet another form of emotional abuse and I shudder to think that you've spent a long time with this man at all. I would also think your now adult children do not visit you both very often. Being a mother figure to a moody man is a highly unattractive proposition and one you should not sign up for any longer. You can rebuild your life without him in it day to day; you are an adult with agency and you can make better choices.

I would think he was not this incompetant at all when he was in employment. He does to you this also because he can and he's learnt that doing this works for him. He has you running around like a blue housefly carrying all the mental load. If a task is deemed by him not to be important enough to him he does not do it because he also sees things like present buying and buying milk as your job and your job alone. The man could not even be bothered/asked to buy his sister a present. Such men hate women really and all of them.

By being deliberately incompetant as he is, he gets a free ride at your own expense.

"I want to discuss our relationship calmly and like adults but he's so moody that he takes it as a criticism so I keep quiet until I get so frustrated I end up being really harsh".

I would further consider how to plan your exit from this marriage.

He cannot do calm discussion at all (no surprise there) and he is not above stonewalling you either. He employs very effective techniques to use against you as his chosen target. Read a lot more around emotional abuse, deliberate incompetence and stonewalling.

You know he won’t change. Only you can. You can keep enabling this behaviour or get out. It’s really that simple. You aren’t happy so make yourself happy by changing your life. Nothing you do will change his. Be free and be happy.

Thanks for your responses. Some of the points do ring true. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking because it's making me unhappy but we have been happy in the past so I hope we could get there again.

"Thoughtless and disorganised" sounds trivial, but these are the sort of (lack of) qualities that can drive you mad, especially as the years go on. It only requires a little tilt for them to become full-blown "selfish and chaotic." You don't want to hitch your cart to a horse like that.