Depression - DH in his own world

[egglette]

Struggling a bit to order my thoughts on this, but I'm quite worried about DH, whilst struggling to avoid feeling a bit frustrated with it all.

He's always struggled with depression. It manifests itself in him ruminating on things and getting stuck on certain negative thoughts - e.g. he hasn't been happy at work for years and we have had the same quite detailed conversation about his frustrations and the possible options multiple times a year, month and sometimes even a week. Same with his family - he fell out with a sibling earlier in the year and nothing new has happened since, but every so often we will have the same conversation about how frustrating it is.

He just seems to be completely trapped in his own thoughts and I don't think anything I do can help. We talk through what's bothering him in quite a lot of detail each time - it's not just like he wants to rant. But even if he seems ok at the end, we wind up having the same conversation again soon after.

My frustrations have bubbled up a bit today. We hosted Christmas for the first time this year and even though he was the one who suggested my parents should come and overall gets on fine with them, he has barely spoken t

*to any of us. It's genuinely felt like having a teenager - he's just silently eaten and drunk a huge amount and then taken himself to bed, meaning I had to do breakfast, drinks, Christmas dinner, snacks, and sit in the painful awkwardness of my parents trying to include him in things.

How do I help him? Is it ok to feel frustrated?

It is absolutely and perfectly reasonable (in my own humble opinion) to feel frustrated (which is mild) to go full out nuclear (screaming banshee mode whilst throwing kitchen utensils around the place).
You are going round in a never ending circle of topics, whilst I understand your DH may be depressed it's taking its toll on you.
Your Christmas lunch has now pulled things into prescriptive for you. Months of endless debates that gave amounted to nothing, and to put you over the edge, DH ate the food, drank the drinks and popped of to bed, without a care in the world.
I really don't have any advice except one day you are liable to snap.
You deserve to be happy, remember that.

Hello, not much help but my Dh was the same. It’s exhausting and stops you achieving things for you, let alone then you have to find the energy to pick yourself up again. In the end counselling for me helped. She explained if I changed my behaviour his would change as it’s a system. She advised me to be very clear in communication, and explain that he’s got this hour to tak then no more, and say, no, we have gone over that and concluded x. Also to let him get his own dinner, wash up etc or he doesn’t get dinner. I think mine was so wrapped up in his own woes he didn’t see that it was destroyed everything else. After I got a bit more confidence I told him we only discuss him and I’m not listening any more because it’s dragging me down . He had no idea and has since tried to not mention stuff so much. I wonder if not discussing it continually has actually helped him too. Hope this might help.

You are not responsible for fixing him, and if he refuses to take steps to help himself you are totally justified to end this relationship. You don't have to live like this. Don't allow him to hold you as an emotional hostage.

Thank you all I really appreciate what you've said. I just found him sleeping on the sofa a little while ago after he was quite restless in the night. I think he drank or ate too much (both!). I think I'm probably on my own to entertain my parents today but will probably just need to block him out and make the most of that.

Depressed people can still be incredibly rude and selfish. I've been in your position and really feel for you.

Don't have kids with him