I think my mum has given up

[ilkleymoorbartat]

Sat here in tears after spending Christmas Day with my mum. She's not had her usual spark for a whole, but the last few times I've seen her she's just slept the entire time. She was adamant she wanted to make Christmas dinner this year, despite us wanting to do it.

I just miss her, I feel like she's lost her list for life. It's like she's aged 20 years in the last 2 months. I don't know what to do to help her and to make her feel better. I just feel so sad.
We've had a tricky relationship in the past but I love her so much. I just want my mum back. I'm sorry, I'm rambling, I'm just in a bit of a state.

How old is she ?

She's 80

Did she make the dinner?

My mum is 80 and has really gone downhill. She doesn't want to do anything any more. It's extra sad because my dad (a year younger) still does, but mum talks him out of it.

Today they've sat in an undecorated house, eating boring food (because mum persuaded dad to cancel the restaurant lunch), watching telly, all because mum can't be arsed. We can't go round because one of us has had a positive PCR. To be honest, I'm quite relieved.

I miss her too.

She did make it but it was a disaster (all burnt), and left her completely frazzled.

My dad is 76 and still able and wanting to do everything.

So sad for you. Have you or your dad suspected your mum of getting dementia. It might be getting harder for her and it might be making her frustrated as well. Has she had other health issues?

I don't think she has dementia. She's always been scatty though.

How do you reconcile past conflicts with aging parents? I've always been there for my mum and love her dearly, but we've argued or butted heads when I was younger. I'm finding this really hard to reconcile now, even though it's not happened for years.

I just want her to feel loved and cared for.

MIL is like this. She’s so jaded. Just wants to sit in her kitchen, smoking (bitching about the family). She used to be the life & soul... It’s sad to see.
FIL would love to go to the pub & do things with the grandkids, but she’s worn him down. It’s easier for him to just stay indoors with her. Sleeping, mostly.

I’m sorry to hear this. My mum started being like this from her late 60s, I think she was covering health issues as she became very unwell a few years later with a condition that could have been managed if she’d spoken up before. From her late 60s it was a huge effort for her to do anything - to visit anyone, to go for a meal etc.

I hope by 80 someone else will be cooking me Christmas Dinner! She is just getting old and not having the same energy as usual or sometimes with older people a kidney infection can set them back terribly. But as already said the doing a bad job on the cooking could be the start of dementia. She may need a check u with a doctor who specialises in elderly care.

Given that she seems to undergone a noticeable mood change in the last few weeks, I would encourage her to see a gp. Or if you have the sort of relationship where you can this without causing drama, have a chat with her gp yourself expressing your concerns.

I'm sorry op, I know its tough

It would be great if you or your Dad could get her to see a doc - the problem of course just now is that they are all hiding ! They could though do some bloods etc to check on things . GPs will not discuss another adult with you sadly as I had this with my Mother when she had dementia. What they can do is ask her to come in for a " routine check " but again she has to choose to go . All your dad can do is support and be observant too .

To be fair, 80 is old and by that age a lot of people have had enough. Their bodies don't work very well, everything is difficult, many of their friends have died, and in Western society older people are generally treated as a nuisance. You can hardly blame them for wanting to call it a day.

I think we put too much pressure on people to stay alive at all costs. If your mum has had enough, I think it's worth k. Of course it's very sad for you and the other people who love her but it is a natural course of events.

I know she's old. It just seems so sudden. Maybe I've been kidding myself. I will try and get her to see the gp though.

I think it’s entirely normal to have had enough of making Christmas dinners at 80 unless someone especially enjoys it. My mum expects everyone to wait on her while she relaxes with a gin. It’s her time to be spoilt now and avoid all the organisation of Christmas

I agree @Singaporebling we wanted to do it for her. We tried to insist but she was having non of it. It's more than just the Christmas dinner, it's the fact that she's just sleeping the entire time and seems to have lost any get up and go, which up to a couple of months ago she totally had.

With a change that sudden it really sounds like it could be a medical issue. Or has something happened recently that could have upset her very badly indeed, something that's made her give up? You don't mention anything in your post, but just wondering. Could be either, but a change that sudden does sound odd.