Partner’s grown up daughter... what would you do?

[Softwhitecloud]

My partner and I have been together 3 years after knowing each other as friends for about 30 years.

He has a daughter from previous marriage and I’ve known his daughter since she was a child.
She is now aged 24.
Before her dad and I got together ( he was divorced several years so I wasn’t the cause of marriage breakdown) the daughter was friendly towards me. Since her dad and I have been in a relationship she won’t acknowledge me in Christmas cards and seems hostile. If I speak to her first she will be civil though.

She will be visiting us in the next few days. Despite her hostility I have always tried to “rise above it”and be friendly and generous to her, doing favours when she moved house and buying her gifts at birthdays etc.
This year I’m feeling a bit fed up and feel like I’m just being a fool. Should I give her a gift when I see her or should I hold off?
If at all possible she tries to get her dad to see her without me.
My partner always tries to make sure I’m included at Christmas but has had opportunities during the year to spend holidays with her alone when she invites him along .
She accepts her mum’s new partner.
Anyone else had similar issues ?

I bought a gift for her but should I give it ir not ? It’s feeling like I’m trying too hard and maybe I shouldn’t bother making an effort anymore.
I make the effort for my partner’s sake really.

Is she visiting you in your home? If so she wouldn’t be welcome in mine if she wasn’t going to be respectful.

What does your partner think about this?

Na I wouldn't be giving her anything. If her attitude has changed and she gives you one then of course but she sounds like she needs to grow up. I would be making myself scarce when she arrived tbh.

I'd take a step back. Stop making an effort, just be polite and civil as she is if your paths cross. She's an adult, you don't need to fill the roll of step mum, and she's making it clear she doesn't want you to.

I think you could still be gracious and give her a gift. The situation definitely won’t improve by you returning the hostile behaviour. Maybe tone down your efforts and don’t be too intense as this might scare her off even more but I still think you can be the bigger person and treat her with niceness. It sounds like it must be very hard for her to see her dad with someone else. I also think the fact you were friends before actually is a big negative for her.. even if you had zero part in the break up I do think when someone who was ‘present’ for a long time previous becomes the new partner, it makes it seem like there was potentially always something there and I do think that gives a negative impression. Of course people can separate and remarry etc but I do think for existing children, whatever age- it’s a hard pill to swallow and you owe it to your partner to rise above it no matter how immature his daughter behaves. Good luck xxx

The dynamic of her knowing you from childhood might be making it really uncomfortable for her.

Him seeing his daughter without you after Christmas Day wouldn't exclude you from Christmas, it's not the main day.

Sometimes it's really lovely to see your parent without their partner. I wouldn't force a relationship with her if she clearly doesn't want it.

Thank you all for your replies.

It really helps to get other perspectives.

I’m aware of the changed dynamic and I have never been intense or tried to play the step mother
My partner sometimes gets annoyed with her for being sulky when he mentions me ( I’m usually not there ).
He asked me to help with moving stuff for her house move, which I did. I got a resentful thank you from her.
I’ve always tried to keep a low profile and hardly see her but at times like Christmas and birthdays it feels a bit awkward. I’ve said to my partner that I’m happy for him to see her alone but he wasn’t happy about it ... he tries to insist I’m present.
I’d rather not if there is going to be an atmosphere
I think he finds it more upsetting than anyone else.
My kids are grown up too and accept him even though they’ve also known him since they were very young.
I’m quite happy to not see her. But I’ll lay off the present giving as I’m worried she may see that as me trying to force her to accept me.

I think I need to have a chat about this with my partner as him wanting me involved in her life is the cause of problems.
His daughter behaved in a similar way with his previous girlfriends.

Do unto others as you would be done by.

The dynamic of her knowing you from childhood might be making it really uncomfortable for her.

What a load of bollocks. Being uncomfortable with something doesn't give you a pass to be a rude little arsehole.

Don't pander to this woman. She's an adult, not a child, and needs to behave like one. If she's not even going to attempt to be polite, you'd be a mug to gift her anything.

His daughter behaved in a similar way with his previous girlfriends.

As I suspected. His daughter is a twat, and your partner let's her get away with this nonsense. Your biggest problem is him.

Were you a friend of her mum’s before? Are you friends with her mum now?

@FoxgloveSummers
Yes friends before, not now. Her choice but that doesn’t bother me.
It makes you realise who your real friends are. That’s how I see it.

It would appear that she is struggling to ‘share’ her dad with anyone else. I would have some sympathy if she was 8 or 12. At 24 she might want to consider her dads happiness?
I would step back, always be polite and let him deal with his daughter. You do not have to pander to her petulance or accept her hostility.

@amylou8

I'd take a step back. Stop making an effort, just be polite and civil as she is if your paths cross. She's an adult, you don't need to fill the roll of step mum, and she's making it clear she doesn't want you to.

I would take this approach too. My days of caring if people like me or not are long behind me.

My DH has an adult daughter like this - she actually said to him she didn’t want him to have a partner and wanted him to stay single - unbelievably selfish! I stay well out of it and let him get on with it. He has tried to set up some boundaries since she said to him recently she couldn’t be happy if he was happy in a new relationship when he asked her why she didn’t want him to be happy she just couldn’t answer. She has a partner and a busy adult life so it’s not like she is round every day, DH would be pretty lonely if he was depending on her!

Thanks again everybody

I am going to be civil if our paths cross but I won’t make the effort anymore as it’s obvious now she sees that as me forcing myself into her life.

That’s not how it’s been intended. I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing to do.
From now on I won’t get involved at all.

Until your previous post I as leaning to you not quite understanding your partner’s daughter.
But hey you said about your former friend of 30 years made me wonder. You seem to be quite self absorbed.

‘Her choice’
‘It makes you realise who your real friends are.’

This is what she could/should be saying about you. Do you not realise - that in her mind - the fact that you knew her exH for years and moved in onto him after they broke up - puts doubts and questions about their relationship? Whatever their other reasons for breakup were - she can never be sure about you two, and how it played.
And her daughter must see it the same way.

Your bf’s insistence on playing happy families and involving you in his relationship with his daughter is silly and short sited. He is her father. She comes to see him. With time, she may come to warm up to you, but at this point - why is this need to involve you when it’s clearly messy.

This isn’t a competition over your bf with his daughter. You are the mature adult here. She is barely one.

@Softwhitecloud

Thanks again everybody

I am going to be civil if our paths cross but I won’t make the effort anymore as it’s obvious now she sees that as me forcing myself into her life.

That’s not how it’s been intended. I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing to do.
From now on I won’t get involved at all.

Sounds like a good plan OP. Be civil and a gracious host but don't waste your energy too much on this relationship.

However, please understand that this is a red flag for the relationship with your partner. Not being accepted by adult children will be a cause of issues should your relationship become more committed (e.g. marriage).

My mum has a good friend whose adult step-children refuse to accept her and it causes her a great amount of pain and distress, especially round Christmas where she has never once be able to spend Christmas day with her husband because he always goes to round to one of the kids and they will not have her there (she often ends up spending Christmas with my mother being miserable and putting a downer on things). It's obviously a DH issue for her and others have warned you that it is a DP issue for you. If your DP isn't going to start seeking to resolve the issues as you become more committed I would be wary about making a long term committment such as marriage.

Do you really not see from your former friends POV that she would find it nigh on impossible to remain friends with someone who she saw as a friend but is now her ex's partner? It's a bit shocking that you see her cutting ties as not being a 'real friend'. Most people would be unable to continue the friendship.

@MMmomDD
I should clarify ... he was more a family friend, being in particular a friend of my brother.
I wasn’t particularly a close friend but we spoke amongst family.
He and his wife divorced around 2008 and he remained single for many years before getting a first girlfriend in 2012. At the time of his divorce I was ( I thought, happily) married. He wasn’t the cause of my marriage break up. I divorced in 2017.So I didn’t move in on him straight after his divorce.

I have no desire to be in competition with anyone.
Having children of my own I realise that they are important no matter what age.

My question was about how to handle the issue of giving gifts at Christmas and birthdays and felt I was making too much effort.

It may be a red flag but my partner had this attitude from his daughter with other girlfriends too.

I think you are correct to realise that it is in a way your partner's fault for pushing you two together. Do you live together, it's not clear?

I would insist that they only see each other the two of them. It's not fair for your dp to force two other people to spend time together when they don't want to!

But I would also ask your partner to talk seriously to his daughter about her attitude towards his girlfriends and how she would be better off changing it in future! She accepts her mother's partner and no doubt would want her dad to accept any partner she chooses to be with. So she is being rather hypocritical.

Having said that I think it would be nice for them to always have the opportunity to spend time just the two of them sometimes.

Maybe she just doesn’t like you? My father started seeing someone when I was a teen, and I disliked her. She just wasn’t someone who I would ever be friends with, and I saw that she had some unpleasant traits. I did however like my mother’s partner. Just because your parents fall in love with someone, it doesn’t mean you should love, or even like them too. It’s difficult because I loved my df and obviously wanted to visit him and spend time with him, but it was difficult to get the chance to spend time with him alone. Maybe just step back and suggest to your DP that he spend one on one time with his dd, whilst you just do your own thing during those times?

@Chamomileteaplease
We live apart but spend quite a lot of time at each other’s houses.

@Livelovebehappy
I don’t think it’s she doesn’t like me.
For years before her dad and I got together as a couple she would happily come over to me and chat, joke etc.

She has form for hostility towards other girlfriends so I think more to do with that.

I had chat with dp last night. I said will keep low profile with his dd and encouraged him to take time out with her 1:1. No gift- giving as I feel it’s being taken the wrong way.

He is accepting of that.

Thank you all for your replies.