Need some outside perspective please

[MordenLarch]

Sorry, my brain is churning, so this is a bit rambly.

So my mum died a few weeks ago after being in hospital for many weeks. I still don’t think it’s hit me or my dad properly yet.

I have a brother who has been really quite horrible to me in the past (too much to go into), and has stopped speaking to me for several periods of time for no reason - last time (till very recently) it was for 10 years, which really upset me and my mum and dad. No one could get him to say why or come around.

We’ve been forced together at my dad’s due to visiting my mum in hospital/organising the funeral etc and it’s been polite and entry-level friendly.

Anyway, on the night of the funeral, everyone had gone to bed/gone home and we were the only ones still up. He was very drunk and told me that he’s been diagnosed with ASD. I said I was sorry etc, then he was telling me he doesn’t trust me (wouldn’t say what about/why), shouting at me, telling me I’m full of shit etc, then that we just need to “work together as colleagues on a project” till our dad dies, then he doesn’t want to see or speak to me ever again.

That’s obviously a horrible thing to say to anyone on the day of their mum’s funeral, but wasn’t that surprising tbh.

After talking a bit, I realised he’s obviously depressed and unwell and incredibly unhappy (though not sure if he totally gets this). His wife is a difficult character, who seems to dislike everyone (me in particular!), their only daughter has autism and they have no friends. He also hates his job.

He basically all but admitted he’s envious of me, as I’m very sociable, have a full life, job I like etc. But I haven’t done any of those things to spite him.

I told him that I love him, he’s my brother and I want to help him. We hugged etc and it seemed to be better. We both went to bed, but then the next morning (and after) he’s been very cold, despite me sending him a note saying I love him, want to help him and be there for him etc.

I’m with my mum alone for the first time since dad’s died, which is hard for both of us. But I have the row and the difficult relationship churning in my mind, plus the fear of what the coming years will bring with him.

So, firstly, thank your for reading this far, and if your have any advice/pointers they’d be very grateful received!

…and just to clarify, he’s never given me or anyone else any reason (that isn’t completely ridiculous) for why he’s been so vile for so many years. I’m at a complete loss.

I know he’s your brother but I don’t see what else you can do. Hopefully having this diagnosis might help him but I wouldn’t waste your energy on him.

Sorry for your loss op.

There is nothing more you can do, other than tell him you care and ensure he knows that your door is always open if he needs you. However, mental illness does not explain his utterly awful behaviour, especially over a protracted period of time.

My sister has been similarly awful and difficult in the past - refusing to speak to me for months at a time, being openly hostile when we did see each other. No reasons were ever given. My entire family has tip toed around her since she and I were kids. It sucks, I'm sorry.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I know he’s your brother but I don’t see what else you can do. Hopefully having this diagnosis might help him but I wouldn’t waste your energy on him.

Thanks @SweetBabyCheeses99 - yes I think you’re right, but I think I’m just upset that it can’t be resolved (from my side anyway), so I have to let it go and just act as “colleagues” as he says (possibly the most depressing phrase ever)

@TooManyPlatesInMotion

Sorry for your loss op.

There is nothing more you can do, other than tell him you care and ensure he knows that your door is always open if he needs you. However, mental illness does not explain his utterly awful behaviour, especially over a protracted period of time.

My sister has been similarly awful and difficult in the past - refusing to speak to me for months at a time, being openly hostile when we did see each other. No reasons were ever given. My entire family has tip toed around her since she and I were kids. It sucks, I'm sorry.

Thanks for your reply and sorry about your sister @TooManyPlatesInMotion - it’s just vile and inexplicable isn’t it?

@MordenLarch yes, it is gut wrenching. It has defined the dynamic in my family for years. I have, over the years, just had to distance myself from my sister and try very very hard not to take it personally. I genuinely don't see that it can be anything I have done.

I suspect it is the same with your brother. Appreciate that doesn't make it any less painful.

Confused - in your opening paragraph you said your mum died. In the last paragraph you said your died died and you’re with your mum. Have they both died??

If so I would just accept there will be no ongoing relationship with your brother. He doesn’t seem interested and there’s no longer any reason to meet up.