Decided to separate this morning - such mixed feelings

[ReluctantNeatFreak]

I posted back in September about my DH's controlling behaviour and got a gentle but resounding recommendation from lots of mumsnetters that I should LTB. I decided to give my marriage another chance with some new boundaries but I guess I should have listened harder to you lot.

Here I am, on Christmas Day (with Covid) having had weeks of more and more frequent episodes of arguing and sulking/stonewalling from DH, with us finally both agreeing together (for the first time) that's it time to try a separation.

The last 24 hours has been absolutely horrendous, with me trying to be jolly for DD13 who lives for Christmas and DD15 who is already miserable at having to isolate from beloved boyfriend, whilst DH alternates between sulking in room and then joining us only to have random outbursts about something new that I've apparently done to insult him. The DCs are horribly aware of the situation, but not that this is the final straw.

I will not have another year like this one. I just need to stay strong. I find it easy to think of splitting when he's being a controlling arsehole but am such a pushover when he softens and turns back into the man I fell in love with. I'm just so sad and anxious. When he's in the room, speaking politely to the children and studiously ignoring me, I literally feel physical symptoms like I'm going to be sick or have a heart attack from the anxiety and tension. When he's out of the room, I feel a sense of freedom and optimism, but then it collapses when I remember times he's been a really loving DH or Dad, and I just feel sad and like I am blowing things out of proportion.

Is it normal to feel so conflicted minute by minute when you're about to separate?

Yes. Perfectly normal.

However there comes a time when enough is enough. You set new boundaries and within months he has ignored them and messed up.

What you're feeling is normal.

I think you should be focusing your excitement on how good 2022 could be fit you! I'm not saying it will be plain sailing but it's a step in the right direction.

Hi OP, sorry you're going through this. I separated from my partner 14 months ago, it has been very hard at times but I occasionally think back to that sick, horribly tight-chested feeling that was a permanent fixture for the dying days of our relationship and I'm so glad not to have that any more. It hasn't been plain sailing but I really value not waking up in the morning with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. Good luck to you.

Op, if you spent a whole year with him and still felt like this next Christmas would you be glad you stayed? Would the nice/soft bits have made it worth it?

You have your answer. It’s not easy, it rarely is, but you will make it through. Look at the threads about all the women who feel free this Christmas now they are single. It’s very illuminating

Thanks so much for your replies, we've just had a long chat (amicably discussing how to approach separating) and I'm sticking to my guns. There were tempting moments in the chat but I can recall all the times I've felt that hope before.

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’ve recently separated from my DP of 9 years and while my head knows it’s the right decision, it’s taking a while for my heart to catch up.

The old adage about “the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none” may well be true, but when the rest of the relationship is lovely, it’s so hard to stick to the decision to split. You can keep reminding yourself of all the shit times, the stonewalling and unreasonable behaviour, but a glimpse of the man he used to be gives you false hope that you can go back to what it was. I’m glad I haven’t actually heard from my ex since we split, as I know I’d find it much harder to do the right thing if he was in any way contrite.

I was you 6 years ago.....
it will be the best decision you make I promise. It will feel mixed now and for a while but stick to your guns.

My exH was the same. Could be charming and appearing so perfect. But then when he wasn't he was awful.

You are soon going to be free.

Leave him and it will get better. Stay, and it won't. He's shown you that much.

5 years ago my ex ruined Christmas and made the dc cry. 4 years ago I made sure to invite people round over the entire holiday season to force him to be nice to us (I didn't consciously make that decision, I was still in denial, but I knew he wouldn't throw things, shout, or storm off in front of other people). 3 years ago he was long gone. We've had marvelous, happy, calm Christmases since. Wouldn't go back to that life for anything in the world.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4435330-AIBU-to-tell-you-that-I-talked-to-the-Ghost-of-Christmas-Future?msgid=113626119#113626119

I just read this post Op, might be a good one for you…

Good call @SandysMam - what a great thread

Write down how he makes you feel when he's being abusive and what he does then when you feel yourself starting to soften read it back. Hopefully this will help strengthen your resolve. Stay strong OP and good luck

@Fairycake2

Write down how he makes you feel when he's being abusive and what he does then when you feel yourself starting to soften read it back. Hopefully this will help strengthen your resolve. Stay strong OP and good luck

Good advice, exactly what I did, gave me a massive reality check when I had moments of weakness.

@ReluctantNeatFreak

Thanks so much for your replies, we've just had a long chat (amicably discussing how to approach separating) and I'm sticking to my guns. There were tempting moments in the chat but I can recall all the times I've felt that hope before.

Good. Well done.

Be prepared for him to switch up tactics to try and regain control of you. Don't allow him to suck you in.

It is absolutely normal to have mixed feelings, like any grieving and adjustment period. It's just the processing and making sense of it all. It's normal to grieve when something familiar ends, even if it's been a bad or harmful thing (and especially if you were holding hopes that the harmful thing would turn into something better - there is loss and grief from letting go of those hopes).

Plus the cycle of abuse - alternating between loving behaviour and hurting you - messes with your head. You just have to keep hold of the fact the only way that abusive cycle ends is by exiting the relationship - you will never get to have the 'nice' version without the abuse and your children shouldn't have to live with this.

Are you receiving support from domestic abuse specialist orgs as you go through this process? I would recommend it if not. You don't have to do it all alone.

@Fairycake2

Write down how he makes you feel when he's being abusive and what he does then when you feel yourself starting to soften read it back. Hopefully this will help strengthen your resolve. Stay strong OP and good luck

I also agree that this is very good advice.

Writing it down will be clearer than trying to revisit memories mentally because once you have some distance from the last 'incident' the memory fades and you start minimising it.

Re-reading it as it really was makes it much clearer how bad it truly is and that you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Yes, perfectly normal. It’s like being on a rollercoaster. I had to do a flit, I think my blood pressure was probably off the scale that day.
Take it one step at a time, protect all your finances you can, if you can stash away any money, do.
You can do it. The feeling of relief when you have is amazing.

It sounds awful, and yes I think it’s normal to feel conflicting emotion help to the focus Off your feelings and concentrate on how important it us to get your kids out of such a toxic and damaging situation.

Your partner should be someone who improves your life - not makes it more difficult.

I’m not sure why you both needed to agree to separate, one person can decide this without the other ones permission. It sounds like you are so used to being controlled that you feel you can’t make a decision for yourself.

It is going to feel terrible for the first part of the separation. You will constantly question whether you have done the right thing and want to contact him.
Just remember you are doing this for your children.

It might be easier if you give yourself a time limit of say 8 weeks where you definitely won’t get back together.
It’s like smoking. For the first few weeks it’s very difficult and you want to give in but once you get past the difficult part it becomes easier and you can see clearer.

I remember your previous thread.

I think it's normal to feel conflicted because part of you longs for the marriage that you thought you were getting at the beginning. You still see "nice" flashes of this, which keeps this dream alive. Unfortunately however he has shown you that this isn't how things really are. The nice parts do not cancel out his poor behaviour.

I also think you should be prepared for a lot more poor behaviour from your DH, I remember your description of how controlling he was. Although he might say he agrees to parting ways now, it's very possible that once you start to make decisions on your own he is going to do his absolute best to regain control. So brace yourself for emotional manipulation, threats, etc. When he does these things (because I think it very likely he will), you need to keep reminding yourself that desire for control is what's driving his behaviour and not get drawn into it.

If you haven't already seen a lawyer I would recommend you see someone pronto. Try to find someone who will be wise to the emotional bag of tricks and games he is likely about to start pulling.

I would also read up on "grey rock technique".

Thank you for your OP, for your clarity and bravery. And thanks others for your responses. You've no idea how much this has helped me. A quick search on 'grey rock method' has been revelatory!

Thank you all for your encouraging words and yes, that was such a helpful post you linked to @SandysMam.

I am 100% going to start writing experiences down to help me get perspective as I go through this - great advice.

Looking at social media of so many people having a joyful, love-filled Xmas day and just feeling so sad that my girls have missed out on that again.

And to @theywenttoseainasieve - I'm sorry I didn't reply to your request for an update on my last thread (and sorry you're in the same situation). I didn't really know how to respond as was still so confused myself but I guess this thread is the unfortunate update. Posting this here to avoid resurrecting old thread.

I’ve just read both your threads and am in an uncannily similar situation. Currently at the had the talk and things will change stage, but I’m pretty sure they won’t.

Stay strong. You will find happiness xx