First time abuse

[Asianmummy]

Hi,

I'm completely new to this and this is my first post.

My husband and I have a 3 year told and today he got very cross and really shouted at me in front of our daughter. Really screaming in anger and reffered to me as a B. He also pushed me. First time since we've been together in 20 years. I'm so shaken and don't know what to do. He apologised and to be fair it is completely out of character for him. Do you think i need to report him? He's apologised and is now being extra kind. I just hate the fact he lashed out in front of my daughter.

I'm not an expert here, although I have been in an abusive relationship before, so I think others will give more detailed advice. However, the fact that he lost control to this extent is extremely worrying. Once this line has been crossed then this kind of behaviour can often escalate.

Firstly, I think you need to write down exactly what happened and think through a plan for what you would do if you needed to get out of there immediately i.e. what's the escape plan. I think you also need to make a promise to yourself about what behaviour you will accept before you walk away. For example, if he does it again will you leave? You need to hold yourself to this because they will cry and apologise and play Mr Nice Guy every single time. But nice guys don't scream bitch in women's faces, they don't push them. They just don't. It took me a long time to realise that.

I think you're probably best getting advice from a professional though.

Copied from the NHS website:

Women can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support

I don't necessarily think you need to report him but just know that an act of aggression like this is usually the first and there will be more to come.

You need to think about your daughter and yourself and whether you want to continue living like this. Protect yourself and your child.

Is this really, absolutely the very first time he has made you feel unsafe? If so, after 20 years I would be looking for external factors as to why this happened and addressing those very quickly via therapy, the gp etc. If he has done this shit before (even in a small way) I would be looking to make myself & DD safe. Whatever the reason that shit IS NOT ok and he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour…being “extra nice” doesn’t cut it…