Mum was bad with me, but amazing with my younger brother and her grandkids?

[Bennie96]

Hey guys, weird one but I needed to speak about it.

When I was growing up, my mum would hit me and my brother (not constantly) just when we were naughty or if we were fighting etc.
I remember once dropping her GHD straighteners and a plate fell out and she absolutely trashed me (red hand prints up my thighs, really stung) I was about 9yo at the time. That’s just one occasion.. like I said, it wasn’t constant or every day but it always hurt like hell and sometimes she would use the slipper.

My little brother is 14 years younger than me (I was the youngest until he came along) and she has never once laid a finger on him and is an absolutely amazing mother to him (and me and my older brother now) and an amazing grandmother!

I never really used to think about it, but since having my baby, it’s always on my mind and I even cry over it when I think about what she did because I would never lay a hand on my son.

She’s only 49 now, so she was a young mum with me and my older brother, I just want to know what changed? I’m glad it did, but why did she treat me and my older brother like that? She was always amazing to us, would give us her last breath, we never went without, always got cuddles and kisses etc, but one wrong doing or mistake, she would fly off the handle. I just don’t get it.

It has me thinking if it was me, was I the issue? But I wouldn’t say I was a particularly naughty kid either.. never got in trouble at school or with police etc. it was like my mum had no patience back then. Sorry for the long post, I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Sounds as tho she matured. Still not nice how she treated you.

Same boat, my mum was not quite 18 when she had me, i was smacked multiple times leaving handprints, she hit me (caused a massive argument when i raised it, gaslit me over it) dad was no better. Were a big family, the youngest two were never touched either. My mum is perfect with my DC aswell. I had my 1st just before she turned 40

I think people can be in very different places even just a few years down the line. They might have the benefit of hindsight having seen you and your older siblings grow up, might be more financially secure, might have more support and all that can impact.

It wont have been you and I am sorry she treated you so badly.

Thanks for responses guys!
I’ve spoken to my OH about it, and he can’t believe she was ever like that (he does believe me, but he only knows my mum how she is now). He has suggested therapy because it’s on my mind quite a lot now! I’ve thought about bringing it up to her, but I know it will upset her and I don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ so to say

If she’s a grandmother at 49 she was only a child herself when you were born. I suspect she grew up, grew into herself and actually just got better at what she was doing.

It doesn’t mean that it was right how she treated you, but I would also give her the credit for a whole lot of self growth and self improvement and for breaking a cycle.

7 year age gap in my children and I am definitely a better and more patient mum to younger child. I love them both so much but being a bit older, fewer money worries, more sleep and more confident in my own parenting does make me a better parent to younger child. I try to compensate with older one but each issue that comes up with older child makes me doubt myself and worry, when next child gets to that stage I have done all the worrying and fairly clear on what matters and what doesn't. I feel with the older child I am reacting to situations but with the younger one I usually have dealt with it before so I can handle it better.

I've never hit either child though. Whatever the reason there is no excuse for being violent and it is absolutely not your fault.

Sorry this is playing on your mind, maybe counselling would help. I don’t know you or your mum, but if she was able to show you love, as you say she was, I’m sure the anger was not so much about you, but about her at that time.
My eldest is 16, my youngest is 5. I did my best for them both, when I look back at pictures of me and my eldest as a little one, I looked like a child too. A child who very much loved her baby, and who gave him her best, but there is no comparison, my youngest got the best of me.

Physically I’m more knackered now, but my patience and appreciation of how short his childhood really will be, means that I just enjoy him for who he is rather than holding onto the frustrations and worries I had as a young mum.

My eldest saw me worry, saw me get frustrated. I never hurt him with words or my hands but never the less he saw my emotion, no matter how inwardly directed For that I am sorry. I wish I could have just enjoyed his childhood for what it was. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I hope it helps, hearing it from another mother’s perspective.

I think two things, she was younger and perhaps didn't have the maturity and patience she had when she was older. I know I am a better mum to my younger ones born in my 30s than I was to my eldest born when I was 20. I didn't hit him but I did shout at him and lose it in a way I wouldn't find acceptable now, I'm much better at managing their behaviour and my moods before I get to that point, whereas when he was little I had no idea how to change the pattern or where I was going wrong and mainly I just wasn't being that consistent or stepping in early enough.

Secondly it was more socially acceptable to hit children when we were little. I don't know how old your little brother is, but if he's in his late teens now or younger it really wasn't acceptable to hit children or threaten to any more. It was something people admitted to in secret but it was seriously frowned upon and social contagion is huge. And while what you describe is probably not really okay in any generation, social acceptance does change and she might have assumed that everyone does that or it was normal discipline, not thinking that she was going a bit too far.

In any case it was certainly not your fault. You likely were not a naughtier child and even if you were that wouldn't excuse anything.

Postnatal depression perhaps.

My mum used to smack me constantly for about the first 6 years of my life. Then she just got over it.

I was a pretty quiet kid too.

I wouldn't say my mum has a short fuse. And she is a a bloody great human being. But for some reason I got a good old smacking back then.

As long as she is nice now, I'd just let it go.

It's not as if she only hit you and not your brother of the same age right? (Im which case I would have gone with narcissistc triangulation as opposed to pnd).

She probably wasn't far out from her parents hitting her at the time. I'm almost the same age and was still being hit by my mother aged 17 (she stopped that year, though she tried again when I was 39 - the last time I saw her). My solution? Get an unsuitable boyfriend and get pregnant so I didn't have to live there anymore. Sounds like she might have done similar and coped badly, just as I didn't cope well - although I went the opposite way and never hit my kids, I definitely felt the anger and 'instinct' to behave how I'd been treated, particularly when something very expensive that was mine was broken and I was living somewhere you could hear the neighbours all smacking their children regularly.

I never hit dc but I had ds very young & had more dc since and I believe I've been a better parent to each of them with maturity and experience. It's not right but your dm must have learnt from her mistakes and has tried to make it better

I wonder if she was really stressed/broke/unhappy and 14 years later her circumstances or relationship changed and she could be the mum she knew she wanted to be?

I never hit , but like others said I can definitely control my temper better and stay more level headed now then I could when I had my eldest , I had her at 18 and there is a 10 year gap between her and her sister and a nearly 13 year gap between her and her brother , my youngest is only a baby but him and my middle child definitely have a better parent in me now , I loved her /love her like I do them and would give her the world , the nice acts and love given i feel she still had the same growing up but I hadn't matured enough to always discipline her calmly and keep my emotions in check and other factors in my life were not as stable , she is only a teenager now but seeing your perspective does give me some things to think about, talking to her about her childhood , how she may have seen me mature and change as a parent as I grew up with her and be open about the mistakes I made.

It sounds like she was very young, and got better at managing her reactions as she matured. It's tough on her older children, who didn't get the best of her parenting, but on the bright side it clearly doesn't mean she loved you less, just that she had less to give when you were little.

I would bring it up in a calm way, referencing some of the explanations here, and see what she says. She might gaslight you but she also might apologise. You don’t need to accuse her, just come from a place of hurt and trying to understand, and let her know you see that she is an amazing mum now.

My Dad used to hit us often for very little reason. We didn't like him much but now it is all different. He's changed SO much in his older years and has apologised and even thanked me for allowing DS into his life. He had mental health problems when we were little. He is all chilled now and I absolutely love seeing how happy my DS makes him and vice versa.
I forgave him long ago. I do think I bury my head in the sand a bit as speaking to my brothers, sometimes something shocks me, like I'm blocking it out. However, we have a great relationship and I'm clinging on to it.
Everyone's situation is different. Sounds like there's difficult stuff going on. Good luck. Christmas amplifies things