Do I stay??

[Debbydodo94]

Hi everyone,

So I love my partner and care about him very much. We’ve been together around 8 years, have 2 very young children together and we own a house together.

For about 3 years now I’ve had this feeling that I’m not happy with him and not in love with him anymore. Over time I have realised we are completely different people. He is very happy with his life and don’t think there’s anything wrong. When the kids go to bed he just goes outside to work on something in his shed as we are always renovating the house and I’m sat by myself. He never wants to do anything fun like ever. We have spoken about these problems a lot of times and things would change for about a week but always go back to just being boring and staying inside the house renovating. It’s got to the point where we barely kiss/cuddle that it feels weird when we do. There’s no flirting or anything, I feel like we should be 60 years old. just don’t feel like I’m in love with him anymore but I do care about him. He loves me so much so if I were to ever leave he would be so heartbroken.

Also with the kids, I’ll feel so guilty about ruining their family so I don’t want to ruin something if it can be salavaged. But there are good days where I think to myself why am I thinking about leaving and that I love him so much which makes me wonder do I actually still want to be with him and try AGAIN to get things to change or do I leave?

Seems to me that you still love him but the spark has gone. Perhaps have a talk about how to get it back and reconnect? And also mention it lasting longer than a week if you can!!! I hope it works out for the best OP x

Sounds like you love him but have grown apart a bit. Having small children is hard on relationships. Was it always like this?

I’m a great believer in only having people around that enhance your life, but equally it’s not up to anyone else to make you happy, and you may feel the same in a future relationship. If he’s not joining in on adventures with you/the kids, make you’re own fun. At some point, he will realise he’s missing out. You can still stay together despite not having shared goals in life. Just go for what you want. Don’t let him or anyone else hold you back.

In terms of trying to rebuild your relationship, try having a date night each week. A proper sit down meal, even at home, with movies, games, or just relax and chat.

Physical intimacy is also important. Not sex, but hugs, kisses, holding hands.

Also, show gratitude. Thank him for the small things. Even just a cup of tea. And do nice things for him. See if he picks up on it and reciprocates.

Small things make a huge difference. If he still doesn’t engage, tell him how you feel.

If it’s not working after this, and he’s simply sucking the joy out of life, then it’s up to you.

Nothing changes because he doesn’t want it to, he’s happy as he is.
You have to decide what YOU are prepared to live with, and what you want.
Yes, you have an affection for him and always will, you have shared history. But don’t stay where you are unhappy just for the kids or for him, that’s wasting your life.

Woman marries/partners with man.
Is surprised and disappointed when the initial lust/romance wears off.

Why is this still happening, generation after generation? Why don't we prepare our youth for the potential realities of long-term relationships? We need an adjustment of expectations at societal level.

OP, you are there now. It's not your fault. If you need to move on, do.

Op, what hobbies do you have? He's obviously happy doing his stuff, what can you add? What do you like? What can you share?
Regular date nights as well.

What do you do while he's in his shed?
What fun stuff would you like to do?

I'd argue that he is t motivated to make an affordable because he is very happy with the status quo. Which is great for him but rubbish for you.

It does sound as though there is hope for your relationship but only if he is prepared to make the effort and maintain that effort. If, after multiple conversations about this, he doesn't get it, he isn't going to get it at all unless you make more of a point about it.

I think you need to tell him how unhappy you feel and that you are thinking of leaving. Because of you just carry on as you are, you are showing him that you're ok with it.

You could ask him to go to couples therapy. Again, if he is motivated to save the relationship he will show up.

Unfortunately a lot of men don't get it until it's too late however it's worth a try. At least then you know you did your best.

Relationships require work

This sounds like a time when counselling could really help with a good proactive counsellor

You're drifting apart rather than there really being anything wrong.

A once a week date night (cringy though that phrase is) would be a good start.

I agree you also need to have realistic expectations and also have your own life outside of the relationship

Hope you manage to get this all sorted

He is happy with the status quo.

Your happiness is not a concern for him.

If he really loved you, your unhappiness would concern him.

Either except that he will do what suits him best and suck it up and get on with it....

OR

Tell him that you are very unhappy and separation is best.