How being an abused child still affects you as an adult

[BlackSwan]

I suffered physical and emotional abuse as a child - I had an eating disorder before 10 which was unrelated to wanting to be thin… my parents would yell at me to the point I would retch… then they would tell me they would make me eat my own vomit. I’d get hit with the belt and be threatened with the buckle end… that kind of thing. It was miserable. I’m sure others have been though worse but it was my particular kind of hell.
My father was a bastard to me in my late teens and effectively threw me out of the house after telling me if I ever went to a guys place and he raped me not to come crying to him as “women ask for it.” I hate him still and live in another country - unfortunately I have to see him whenever I FaceTime my mother, with whom I have a better relationship now. He lurks in the background and I cover his face with my thumb so as not to see him.

I’m a pretty strong independent person now… but when I find myself in a conflict situation now (if someone is unfairly having a go at me), I do feel a hint of the l bottomless pit panic and fear as I did as a child.

I’m realising now that I have to be my own rod of strength and that I cannot rely on anyone else to come to my defence or make me feel better, but I’m not very good at it.

Am I right in thinking these are old wounds - that I learned early on that I am vulnerable? I wish I could just be stronger. I’m going to try.

Honestly? It’s been catastrophic for my life and lmid 40s I still battle every day

You should read up on ACES and the long term impact they can have on people. Also on attachment and early years trauma.

You are strong ☺️

Thank you I will read up… yes long term anxiety meds taker here, it helps a lot.

Yep, things from my childhood still affect me now and have made me who I am. Not all bad...but there are a few things that affect me negatively. I can't write it down now otherwise I'll think about it and it's really not the best time for me to be brought down (first baby due in a few days!!).

♥️💐I recommend this book too - it has suggestions of what might help:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma g.co/kgs/n4fgQd

Arghlife I certainly don’t want to dredge anything up for you. Best of luck with the baby. I have to say having my own child has been cathartic, I love him and I’m careful to be kind to him. It also makes me wonder how the hell my parents were so horrible, I don’t understand why anyone would be cruel to a child’s

Duvet thanks for the recommendation

I had physical and mental abuse as a child and teenager. It wasn't as bad as yours and could be subtle at times as well as there being bruises.

The best thing I could have done would have been to cut ties with family but unfortunately I didn't.

I lacked confidence for a long time and didn't know how to let anyone in when having relationships.

As the other poster said you are strong OP

christmasholiholly mental abuse is just as damaging as the physical stuff, I'd say it was more mental than physical with me. The threats were crazy though... perhaps times were different then, but we were routinely threatened that we would be killed for whatever it is we were doing. I just can't imagine saying that to a person now - let alone my own child.

Cutting ties is hard - I have had as little as possible to do with my father for more than 20 years. It's literally just my phone calls with my mother that I have to endure his appearance on. Even before iphones... he would pick up the phone & listen in, interjecting when he felt like it. So weird and controlling. My mother turns a blind eye.

I was told I was goofy. I won't smile with my mouth open. I believed I was a terrible person for years because that's what I was told. I haven't lived the life I truly wanted as I always had to play it safe due to not having a safety net. For example going travelling and living abroad were out as I had nowhere to come back to. Mothers n Fathers day is shit. I feel desperately lonely at Christmas time.

My heart goes out to all of our affected by something like this too

Cheeseandlobster - that’s hurtful and I’m sure it’s entirely baseless. I’m sorry this is a hard time of year for you. I hope you can find some joy in your life that isn’t dependent on others. I think we have to focus on what pleases us. I take my joy where I can find it.

@BlackSwan

Cheeseandlobster - that’s hurtful and I’m sure it’s entirely baseless. I’m sorry this is a hard time of year for you. I hope you can find some joy in your life that isn’t dependent on others. I think we have to focus on what pleases us. I take my joy where I can find it.

Thank you. Over the last few years I have learnt to actually really enjoy my own company. I am very lucky to have amazing friends too. But I look at old school friends who had lovely families and had the option to try new things knowing they could always come home if things didn't work out. I would have loved to try new experiences like them and I just couldn't risk it as my family were so toxic and going back was unthinkable. I genuinely feel I have missed out and have stayed in bad relationships for fear of losing some semblance of stability. Its definitely affected me sadly

I still don’t like mirrors I refuse to have one in the bedroom.

I can relate to so much both with Op and others. I’m another who can’t look in mirrors, I actively avoid going to the hairdresser because they stick you in front of a huge mirror.
I had disordered eating from around the same age as you Op, till around 15 when I went into care, it has left me with massive issues with food and I am extremely overweight now.

I find this time of year harder than the rest, my birthday then Christmas shortly after, my parent would give gifts then take them away again for any small thing it was deemed I had done wrong, never to be returned.
I really enjoy gift giving but I find receiving gifts particularly hard.

I was too scared to get away before 15, sometimes there was ss involvement , but they rarely spoke to me and when they did she was in the room, no way would I have said a word against her knowing I’d be left there to deal with the fallout which more often than not would be a whipping with the dogs choke chain.

I think I’ve dealt with it better than my sibling, I was lucky enough to be unofficially adopted into someone’s family and am treated as a sister/daughter by them, so in that respect I don’t miss or particularly lorn for the lack of a biological parent, I do feel envious though when I am out and about and see mother and adult daughter relationships and when friends have got great relationships with their mothers. I never had that and after 16 I never saw her again.

I do think it’s really difficult to fully shake the scars from the past, even if you’ve worked through the trauma etc it’s those fleeting moments that take you back there or trigger a memory that are hard to deal with.

Grandmother who often live us was a narcissist and I was the scapegoat.

I actually do struggle with...not reaching, if that makes sense? I get ideas to do things and get all excited about them but then I just...don't. I don't necessarily think of myself as having low self esteem but I just don't seem to make the moves to achieve things that i want. I also run from any competitive situation as they make me feel sick to my stomach.

I always kinda think of the film seabiscuit, where the horse is trained to lose in order to make the other horses feel good. And now it's like, why try?

I dunno if this this familiar to anyone?

(Then again, maybe I'm just a lazy, unfocused bastard xD )

I attract narcissists like the plague too.
Both when I was young and now. Which is odd because when I was young I was the quiet little thing that would walk everywhere with my head down. Now I'm a loud and bubbly sort in social situations. And I take no shit. Bit still, they find me xD

I’m so sorry you went through all of that. I think probably the worst thing to come out of my shitty beginning was that I never thought I deserved to be treated right. It took a lot of work on myself to actually realise that and even love myself just a little bit. I had every kind of abuse, but I do agree with the person who said it’s the emotional abuse that has the long term impact. I will always struggle to believe that I’m not stupid and that I deserve respect. I do believe that in order to move forward, forgiveness is key. Forgiving yourself (even though it wasn’t your fault, we can still blame ourselves subconsciously) and forgiving the abuser, I’m not saying hang out with them or keep contact, not at all! but more letting them go so that they no longer have a hold on you. it takes a long time to reach that stage. I realised I had gotten there when I saw a picture of them as a child and I felt sorry for that child. I just said to the child in the picture, what happened to you? Who hurt you?

makingmiracles the gift giving issues resonate here. I used to have most gifts I received taken away (for re-gifting). Even pets were given away. Almost all my clothes were hand me down. I am now a prolific spender. I want it - I buy it. I get pretty disappointed by shit gift giving... funnily today I bought myself jewellery for under the tree, knowing my DH wouldn't go to much effort. It doesn't actually upset me any more though.

I started listening to the audiobook of "The Body Keeps The Score" last night. I think it's going to be helpful. One thing it said is that people who have been through trauma as children are often hypervigilant. I know that's true with me. I can sniff out bullies at work for instance - I can see their motives easily. I'm no longer as young and prone to falling victim to them now, but they still scare me.

@BlackSwan I had a very similar upbringing to yours. The body keeps the score was the book that brought a total lightbulb moment, I was 40.
The amygdala, the fight or flight control centre has been switched on permanently for people like us. Every trigger warrants a response, the same neuro pathway we’ve formed all those years ago is the only one our minds take. In effect, we have to hatch down a new path with a preferred response to triggers.
I had BWRT therapy, to learn how not to be scared of people and what they might do to me. It’s working for me, it’s a bit like magic, but I am now able to stop the fear or what might happen and think clearly and then work on a response.
HTH.

In effect, we have to hatch down a new path with a preferred response to triggers.

This is absolutely right and @BlackSwan, the good news is, it's possible to do although it takes time.

I now recognise the triggers better and can separate 'old me' from the person I want to be now.

Later on in the book, Van de Kolk suggests techniques that aid recovery.

In the meantime, be very kind to yourself - none of it is your fault. 🌹

I was abused by my father in every way but sexually from the age of about 6.

I've just tried to forget about it; never had therapy.

But I know it's caused me to struggle all my life with relationships, lack of self worth, lack of resilience, depression, anxiety etc.

I cried when I read this thread.

@Duvetdayyay, in regards to ’it takes time’:
I am wary of recommending something I don’t understand how it actually works, but whatever work I tried to do on myself for 5 years, it took one and a half hours of BWRT to actually achieve. Just like that. Don’t ask me how, it’s part neuro linguistic programming, which is way above my head.
The work, of course, is far from being done, I encounter triggers all the time, constantly training my brain, but I’ve got the tools, if that makes sense :)

You make a good point about the impact of mental abuse. I'm only just learning through therapy (mid 30s) about the impact of the grooming and the mental/emotional number he did on me to allow the abuse to take place undetected. It's easily as damaging as the sexual and physical abuse, if not more.
Sorry we're all here

@BuddhaAtSea That's heartening. I've heard EMDR can be quick and effective too.

I went down the path of talking therapies and physical activity including yoga, which has taken longer but has been effective. I can now enjoy Christmas, which used to be a very tough time and I can identify with the gift-giving emotional abuses.

@Maskless It's good to cry for the child who was hurt and shower love on her now. I'm starting to cry as I write this! But I'm looking forward to a day with people who love me deeply and unconditionally. And, although this is a horrible thing to say, I'm fortunate my abusers are dead.

I need to thank you guys this morning, a slightly unorthodox gift, but I just realised that the gift giving emotional abuse continued into my adult relationships. That’s my ‘homework’ for today’s walk 😁

Being abused as a child damages a person beyond repair :(

I thought having my own children and giving them a good childhood would some how make me feel better. It did not, although I am happy going to parenting classes has ensured the cycle of abuse will not continue. I think the only relief I'll ever get from the pain and sadness is death, which I hope to get in about 70 years time.