Online dating help

[ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld]

I feel like a complete novice, so apologise in advance for what may sound like stupid questions!

I've been on my own for just over 3 years after my DH passed away. I have not looked at anyone else but recently was feeling like maybe I could test the waters to see if I could feel ready to move forward.

I joined Bumble and on day one, matched with a local guy who sounded kind and said in his bio he was looking for a relationship but would want to start as friends and then see where it led if anywhere. We have been chatting now for a few days and he seems nice. He's funny, told me about his kids, where he works (bit funny as I then revealed I regulate his sector for my job!), we know some of the same people. He told me yesterday that my messages make him smile. I had a bit of a wobble after a couple of days chatting where I was in a really strange mood and asked him not to tell our mutual friends he was chatting to me in case it got back to my family, as I wasn't ready to have that conversation, and then ended up telling him about DH's death (in some detail). He was clearly a bit uncomfortable but tried to put me at ease and was really lovely about it.

Anyway I mention that because in a way it was helpful to have gauged his reaction to my messy brain. We seem to have lots in common and really weirdly probably knew each other to talk to about 20 years ago. I live in a big city that is a bit like a village, in that respect.

I think we are getting to the point where we might meet for a coffee but I don't know what the protocol is. Do I tell him my full name? Is that usual? I actually know his, because he has given me enough clues about people we both know for me to follow the breadcrumbs and find him on social media, using the same profile photo. I have done a bit of a background check and everything he says (age, marital status, kids, job, etc) checks out. He seems genuine. He doesn't know that I have done that though, it is just for my own peace of mind. Is it usual to exchange more personal details, like names, phone numbers? He knows roughly where I live (only the suburb, not the street) where I work and all he has to do is ask the people we both know for my surname, I am fairly distinctive!

Can someone who is more experienced at this give me some tips please? I've not ever done online (or any) dating really, I met DH and that was it!

Looking back I didn't give my surname to anyone on a first date nor did they . However it is fairly easy to usually find someone somewhere online and you say that you have people in common already .I would say you exchange phone numbers as it is easier to communicate rather than through an app. You can also give this number and the place you are meeting to your dating buddy - your person you check in and out with. I would say meet as soon as possible as you don't want to waste time building up a fantasy in your head .

There's a dating thread on here too which I followed at the time where you can learn both good and bad from the experts .

@IamGusFring

Looking back I didn't give my surname to anyone on a first date nor did they . However it is fairly easy to usually find someone somewhere online and you say that you have people in common already .I would say you exchange phone numbers as it is easier to communicate rather than through an app. You can also give this number and the place you are meeting to your dating buddy - your person you check in and out with. I would say meet as soon as possible as you don't want to waste time building up a fantasy in your head .

Thanks, that's helpful to know. He did some community stuff

Ah ffs hit wrong button. He does some community stuff where he knows a could of my colleagues at my part time job, and I am the only person who does my job (which I talked about because it directly relates to an experience I've had that is a bit of an ice breaker). His friend also has a daughter that works in the same office as me - so as I say, easy to find out more about me, even though he was easier to stalk on LinkedIn and Facebook!

I'm under no illusions of a fantasy and him being the man for me. I don't even know yet if I would be able to go through with anything beyond a coffee. I've been honest about that. I'd find anything serious stressful because it would mean telling my family and I'm not ready for that and may never be.

No you don’t need to tell him your surname, but To be honest, he has probably done the same due diligence on you as you did on him via FB, Linked in etc ( I always used to),
You probably should swap numbers before your meeting just in case something crops up at the last minute for either of you.
Personally I always used to let the woman pick the meeting place where possible, if was somewhere I didn’t know, I would do a recce before hand to make sure I knew where to park etc
Good Luck
And there is no issue with you suggesting a meeting, you don’t need to wait for him to.

Op I didn’t tell anyone I date my surname or where I lived (other than the town). A decent man won’t push you for those details and will understand you’re being careful. I think those sort of things probably are easy to find out although I did make Facebook private while I was dating and I didn’t do other social media at the time.

Then I met my partner and things happened very quickly. He did come to my house but when dc weren’t here so I did take risks. Having said that I don’t think he knew my surname til we’d been together for about three months! On our first date I interrogated him a bit and he showed me his driving license so I had some confidence in who he was and also I knew that because of his profession he was unlikely to have convictions (although obviously a DBS check is no guarantee of future behaviour!)

You're doing the right thing, don't ever feel apologetic about checking someone out. It's a necessity and he should do the same as well. Sometimes it's a trial to even establish someone is who they say they are so that's good he is a real person lol. I would swap numbers and try to meet up sooner rather than later with all the usual precautions of course, public place etc.. The aim to make new friends I think is very sensible and doesn't put pressure on either side. Always take your time to get to know the person and ask lots of questions in a curious way rather than interrogation. If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't so do trust your gut.

I just wanted to add that please be considerate of yourself regarding the time since your husband died. You sound like you will be very careful and it's important to protect yourself because online dating can be brutal. It's good that you have shared details of your husband's death so that is done. The fact that he was uncomfortable but was lovely about it is a positive as most people simply do not know how to react.

Thank you @TheTrinity - that is really helpful advice. We have exchanged numbers (that felt odd, I have only given one man my number before ) but I took control and asked him if he wanted to share numbers. We have been chatting on and off all day, not flurries of texts but we'll spaced.

He says he has told a friend he saw today about me after the friend noticed he looked happy, it's quite sweet because although I've been flirtatious it's not been smutty chat (he told me he is going out tonight with his brothers and apologises in advance for any messages of the soppy variety, and promised he wouldn't be filthy). He seems considerate.

I'm just relieved that my first foray into online dating has been pleasant so far, quite chilled pace, sweet and a bit flattering but also funny - we have established that we share preferences in tea strength, films and he has a penchant for a Hugh Grant film. So we are chatting organically too. I feel lucky in a way, if I get a good friend out of it that will be fab.