Hand hold please - breaking up over Christmas

[christmasbreakup]

Hi all,

NC for this. I am currently coming to the end of a relationship with my partner of 6 years - my only relationship of longer than a year. It’s so fucking sad but there is nothing to be done.

For quite a while I’ve had this niggling feeling that the relationship had gone on too long or that I didn’t love him properly anymore - usually after we argued. None of it was ever enough for me to leave, though. Maybe that was wrong.

The past few months have been absolutely awful and we’ve fallen into a terrible dynamic of him being really clingy and slightly controlling and me pulling away/being vacant in the relationship because of this. I haven’t been able to do anything right and he is angry that I didn’t communicate any of this to him - I feel I did but he also made it impossible to communicate properly as anything I said got twisted and used as evidence as to why I didn’t want to be with him. For example I said I wanted to dye my hair one weekend and he said I was too preoccupied with my appearance and that doing that would take away from time I had with him. It’s a real shame seeing him become like this because he’s never been controlling before.

I’m only 28 and although he’s a bit older, I still think we are young enough to start again easily and I deserve a relationship where I can actually live my life (and with someone who I want to have sex with…)

I told him I wanted things to end around 4 days ago and he was very upset obviously, saying he couldn’t afford the flat alone and he’d have to quit his job (we work together), that he’d have to rehome one of the cats as he couldn’t afford it, etc. I caved and said that we’d revisit it after Christmas, which is stupid, I know.

It’s so sad. I will miss so much about him and this has felt like one horrible long goodbye. Tell me I’m doing the right thing?

If you look to the future, and despite the sadness and grief, you still feel a little lighter, like a burden has lifted and a sense of relief - you've done the right thing.

Also this part stood out to me
and with someone who I want to have sex with

Yes, once the physical intimacy goes and you start getting annoyed/the ick - it's very hard to get it back. And since you don't have kids together and are so young, there's no sense in trying to make a bad thing work.

It will suck for a little bit, but also you now have your entire life wide open ahead of you to meet someone you're better suited to.

If you look to the future, and despite the sadness and grief, you still feel a little lighter, like a burden has lifted and a sense of relief - you've done the right thing.

I do. I want to move back to my family and friends. I can see myself living with friends and cycling to work and being happy.

What I worry about is once I’ve had that freedom for a little while - he won’t be there anymore and what if I regret and miss this safety and this home I have with him? What if there’s nothing out there that’s better than this? I suppose I’ll never know if I don’t try.

You are doing the right thing.

He’s being reactive right now. Rent, pets… you find a way to overcome these issues. You should absolutely go out and find real happiness regardless of age but especially when you’re so young x

What if there’s nothing out there that’s better than this?

You're 28. So young! Do you honestly think this is the best life you can make for yourself??

@AutumnWinterSpring thank you. I’m glad we aren’t linked in any more serious way like marriage and kids.

@Palavah this isn’t the best life I could have. I know I could have so much better and more fulfilling. I just have to have the strength to leave something safe and comforting to go out and find it!

What if there is something better and you stay where you are?

You are so young! Don't settle as it will get worse and you'll regret staying.

None of his reasons for you staying are good..they are all about him.

End this relationship, it will be painful but best in the long run. It's natural to miss someone but that's not enough to stay. Get out and enjoy your life...have your hair coloured (can't believe he wanted to stop you!)

I firmly believe you grow up around 28 (and science now bears this out) so it's the perfect age to start again.

Thank you all.

I think I just feel like - if not now, when? Am I really going to get two years down the line and think that I’m so glad I stayed? Maybe, but I doubt it.

He’s always been such a good boyfriend and it’s been shit to see that deteriorate over the past four months.

"What if there’s nothing out there that’s better than this?"

There is. Even if it's just knowing that you chose your life, and that you were brave enough not to stay with a guy out of fear of the unknown.

It's simply ridiculous how many good things are waiting for you OP. Good luck

I think if you've been together for 6 years and you've been happy for most of it, then it is worth trying to see if you can find out what the problem is and sort it.

But if not, then absolutely you're so young and will no doubt meet someone else.

If you don't do it now, it'll happen at some stage later along the line. Why waste time trying to make it work, when clearly it won't? So he can't afford the flat on his own! You're not his meal ticket. Just do it now!

@Momijin

I think if you've been together for 6 years and you've been happy for most of it, then it is worth trying to see if you can find out what the problem is and sort it.

But if not, then absolutely you're so young and will no doubt meet someone else.

I’d say we were incredibly happy until around 2019. In 2019 he messaged another girl he had history with and they continued some kind of emotional affair for about a month - I never saw the messages. I don’t mean to drip feed, i have moved on from it and don’t hold it against him really but even just reading your reply made me think about when I stopped being really happy, and honestly it probably was around then.

It made me feel like I was so desperate to keep him but I think it took the shine off things. I guess it was a conscious choice that he made every day of that month to message her and keep it from me. I’m not angry with him about it anymore, but it changed things.

I have no doubt that I could be alright in this relationship for probably the rest of my life. He’s stable, sorted and makes me feel very safe and comforted. He’s also funny and a great companion. But also, I actually just cannot spend the rest of my life with someone I’m just alright with.