Struggling after engagement ending/abuse

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I posted this thread two months ago when I was weighing up whether to leave my fiancé and had some brilliant advice so thank you all who helped!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4380825-Hand-hold-needed-call-off-engagement
We were together for 5 years, engaged for 3 months but the abuse got worse and I made the decision to leave and called off the wedding. Both 30.

Two months on and I am really struggling with things. My ex has moved out of our flat and I will live there until end of Feb but we are tied into the contract until then. I'm going to have to move into a room in a house share and sell most of our furniture and it feels like a bit of a backwards step. All my friends are settling down (early 30s) and I broke down seeing an old school friends car today with her husband and baby on board (pathetic I know)
I suddenly feel very alone and sad.

Despite the fact he was abusive I miss him terribly and conversely, am angry at myself for missing someone who wasn't very nice to me. I almost wish I could take it all back and just carry on as we were because I'm in so much pain without him and don't know how I can make it through this. I just want the pain to stop. Part of me isn't even sure if he was abusive and it was in fact all my fault, which goes to show the hold he has on me still I suppose.

Some of my friends have been amazing, as have my work colleagues, others have been dismissive and haven't reached out to me (I know we are all in some sort of personal hell with Covid etc at the moment but I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would send a text as a bare minimum, I considered several of them close friends) so thats been disappointing. Feel like its thrown everything in my life into sharp relief.

I'm home with my parents for Xmas but neither of them have mentioned the break up or asked how I'm feeling, I was in tears in the car today when a sad song came on and I so badly wanted a hug from my mum but she just got out of the car when we pulled up. Really odd. They know the details and they know about the abuse but I feel like they've just shrugged it off rather than support me. Snippy comments about how much I'm drinking (not excessive, wine with dinner at night and maybe a g&t later on) but to teetotal mother I may as well be in AA. I'm trying to stay positive but every day is so hard and I can't stop the negative thoughts.

I feel that I'm just making it from one day to the next at the moment in the hope things get better. I just want the pain to stop. Sorry for the moan but I am not coping very well.

Firstly, OP, there are many many people in a similar situation to you. Lots of people get into abusive relationships. You're not alone, and it doesn't mean there's something different about you, or to beat yourself up about. Secondly, many of those people will never have the balls to be brave like you have, and leave their abuser.

Respect that you have done something strong, something amazing, for yourself. It sounds like your parents don't respect or even acknowledge that strength in you, which won't be a one off. Being treated as if your strength isn't worth noticing as you're growing up is something that can encourage you to accept abusive relationships as you get older.

Be aware that feeling bad right now may be partly due to wanting to lean on your parents, but not actually being able to, due to their lack of supportiveness. Find ways to be self sufficient; you don't need them to look after you. You can do it yourself. What would make you feel nice? Chocolate? Nap? Netflix? Walk? Bath? Doing some drawing? Gym? Find something for you, by you, to make you feel better. Your life is all about you. Focus on you.

You are doing so well and those feels of loss and grief are "normal" and healthy. 5 years is a long time with someone.

Sorry your parents are being crap.

You're doing incredibly well. This is a tough time of year for anyone with difficult relationship stuff, let alone both a massive break-up and distant parents (and I'm so sorry about that).

It's ok to let those negative feelings out too rather than trying to bottle things up; crying, going for a big walk and kicking something, whatever works for you. Keeping it all inside will only eat away at you. It's also really normal to feel this way after an abusive relationship - if you haven't already, you might find some reading on 'trauma bonding' useful.

You're great and strong, and you'll be fine, but is also ok to not feel fine right now.