Low self esteem: trying to build myself up

[Sunshine0110]

I’m currently trying to learn to love myself again. Trouble is I keep getting hurt over really silly things.

My partner knows this and is usually considerate about my feelings. I’ve always been insecure about my small breasts, he knows this and told me he loves me for me.

However, he recently made a comment about a woman I kind of know, who is really large breasted. It sounds daft, but he thought I’d left an item of clothing he’d bought me at her house. He said “she’s probably wearing it...although it would it would barely fit over one“

It really hurt, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. He’s never given me any reason to think he found her attractive and he probably thought it was funny. I didn’t react as it was a joke right?

But I just felt like I was being reminded how flat chested I am that my whole shirt wouldn’t fit over just one of her boobs. I feel ridiculous but also really hurt, so if you’re rolling your eyes reading this I understand but please go easy on me.

Was he just being clumsy or do I have a right to feel upset? I’m also going to the doctor as I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I think your dp made a clumsy joke. He probably wasn’t thinking. You are focusing on your breasts, but it sounds as if your dp isn’t bothered. I would treat this as thoughtlessness on his part and not read any more into it.

He's only made a factual observation that her breasts are too big for your top to fit over. And a joke about her stealing it. How do you know he finds her attractive based on that comment? Not every man finds big boobs attractive or preferable! And I would assume that if he is with you, he actually likes your body type or he'd be with a big breasted woman.

This is definitely an insecurity thing. So it's good you do recognise that and are seeking help for it. As for DH, I wouldn't get upset about it - commenting on someone's size is no indication of attraction. It's a comment even I would have made as a woman.

Thank you both. I am seeking help and I’m in tears writing this as I’m so ridiculously fragile at the moment. I miss who I was before all this started and I just wish I could snap out of it. I’m acutely aware of how draining it is being around someone who is depressed so I’m actively spending more time alone. I’ve explained this to him as he was worried this morning why I seemed to be avoiding him.

I’ve been feeling like this recently too, funnily enough I have small boobs too! I feel my insecurity is getting worse as I get older (am 31 but been with DH since I was 18) like I’m turning into an old hag and he’ll go off me and want to be with someone younger and prettier. I know it’s pathetic and he’d swear down he would never do that but I can’t get this feeling out my head at the moment.

I'm the same! A comment about a celebrity or mutual friend can feel like a 'you're not good enough' attack.
It's not though! We are who we are, way more than a single body part. As for attraction, I can look at a ripped tall hot guy and think he looks amazing without it even coming into how I feel about DP's body, I'm massively attracted to him for all sorts of reasons, including the way he looks.

I’m currently trying to learn to love myself again. Trouble is I keep getting hurt over really silly things

Step one to loving yourself is to stop, right now, criticising your own feelings like this. Respect your feelings, even if they might seem more emphasised than you'd like, or to do with things you'd rather not respond in that way to.

Feelings don't make sense. They're not supposed to. But however 'silly' they might seem, you still have to respect them. For example, if a person is afraid of spiders (in the uk) then, that's as silly as it gets. There's literally no danger at all in a UK spider. Nothing at all to be afraid of. But a person who loves themselves will ask their partner (who is supportive) to sort out any spider issues in the house, without a second thought. A person who doesn't love themselves will feel stupid for feeling scared, not want to ask for help, and make themselves altogether uncomfortable about the whole situation, and it'll become a 'thing'.

Keep talking to your partner about how you feel. Don't try to minimise or surpress your feelings. Respect them, and expect him to do the same. If he knew already how you felt, then this comment was more than clumsy, it was thoughtless and careless. If you know your partner has an insecurity regarding their small breasts, you simply don't make comments about other women's large breasts. It's crass anyway, regardless of your insecurities. I'm not surprised it upset you.

Does it feel good to have people on your side on the thread, people who understand how you feel? I'm wondering what he's like usually... does he listen to you? Understand you? Is he consistently respectful towards you? Supportive?

Yes he does listen and understand me the best he can, he’s never been clinically depressed but he understands that I can’t just snap out of it. This is the worst episode I’ve had in years. A lot has happened in the last 2 years and it’s taken it’s toll, but he’s been there for me through all of it.
He does have a health worry at the moment too so I’m trying not to bother him with how I am at the moment. The downside is he can always tell even when I plaster a smile on, he then worries that I feel like I can’t talk to him. So yesterday I made it clear that I was trying to be considerate of his feelings too, as I want to be just as supportive to him.
I know I’ll be much better when I get back on medication. I just wish I’d gone to doctor earlier but I thought I could fix it myself.