I'm shit at friendships

[Colaham]

I really want to get better at friendships, but don't know where to begin. I get a bit sucked in by parenting at times and don't feel I have the time. I do have friends but they feel distant and I often feel like a last resort. I feel like they would often choose everyone else above me.

I also attract peope who are quite self centred which is another issue. I have a friend who will literally talk at me at pace, constantly and whenever I speak, she glazes over or becomes distracted. I leave her company feeling drained but then find myself thinking, well I can't exactly be choosey when I don't have many friends.

I have another friend whose grandfather recently passed away, I sent her messages and tried to call her but there was no answer so I thought she was grieving and needed time. Then a few days later, she put a social media post up thanking the friends who had been there for her. Clearly I just wasn't needed.

Another friend sends me long winded essays about issues with other friendships asking for advice but again, she's busy with other friends when I suggest meeting up and also isn't interested when I respond with long messages about my marriage breakdown as I get short replies.

Another friend keeps arranging to meet but cancels on me to see her boyfriend or will tell me she has a 1 hour slot to see me inbetween seeing other friends which appear to take priority over me.

I recently tried to strike up a new friendship with a lady from my gym but she's cancelled on me twice already when I've invited her to things. I feel rejected as she often meets with another lady from the gym for walks with their dogs.

I feel really rejected and I'm accepting crap friendships when I'm not being rejected. I don't know how to get better at this? Every year it's a goal of mine to focus on/ get better at and each year, I feel disappointed. I see it with mums at school pick up too. People will come over and chat to me until someone better comes along and they will gravitate to them instantly whilst I'm left standing on my own.

I really don't know how to get better at this. I probably do need to try harder more consistently but I also get rejected.

True friendships are based on shared experience. Not just attending the same gym but on going through things together.

That's why it's a good idea to join clubs or volunteer...the experiences brought by those things are deeper than those at a gym or similar.

Do you fancy a hobby or sport or volunteering at all?

I wonder if part of the problem is that some of these people are only "friends" because you have a limited social circle at the moment and "can't be choosey" (you can) rather than the fact you really like them?

I agree with @FortunesFave. Real friendships take time to build and only work long term if they are based on shared experience, sense of humour, core values and a lot more. It sounds like you are willing to put the time and effort in to maintaining friendships and if you look in different places, hopefully you will get to know people who you have a genuine spark with.

Shared experience makes a lot of sense actually. A lot of my friends, I used to have a shared experience with, but don't anymore. It used to be through work. I now work for myself so this would explain a lack of shared experience.

I missed out on baby groups with my second child due to covid and this is where I made friends with my first. Although these friendships have now drifted somewhat as our paths have changed.

I don't really share experiences with anyone come to think of it. Not even my husband. Probably why my marriage is failing. However he has shared experiences with his friends as they all play the same hobby.

You don't need to try harder. You need to stop hanging around with people who make you feel like you're a shit friend.

What sort of friend are you to yourself? You sound pretty critical. You think that your friendships are failing because of failings in you, despite the fact that you list in detail the things your 'friends' do that make you feel like shit. Can you see the flaw in your logic? They piss you off, so you think there's something wrong with you?

Can you see that you (just like everybody else) are not a compatible friend for everyone, and so you have to apply some sort of filtering mechanism? And if you can, then what sort of filtering mechanism do you think would be wise to apply?

Tou sound lovely OP, I agree that you are being harsh on yourself and would benefit from finding an outlet for something that interests you outside of the house. Good luck

You're doing great. It's them, not you. It's hard working for yourself, having young kids, and now covid. It's not really conducive to making friends,but keep going. You will find your people.

I'm in a new area trying to make friends and I'm finding it really draining socialising with people who are quite hard work. I'm hoping it all falls into place.

For me friendship is not dissimilar to relationships...there's either chemistry or there isn't. Some people we just connect with - through shared history / experiences / interests...and others we just don't. Don't beat yourself up OP.

Thanks everyone for your kindness. I often think that it doesn't help that I'm a bit "out there." I tend to follow more spiritual practices and don't know anyone else within my circles who do. I have joined a natural healing group who all dabble in homeopathy, aromatherapy, that sort of thing and I was hoping that friendships might come from that but social distancing during group sessions hasn't helped matters.

I'm now volunteering a couple of times a month too, but reconsidering that as they're not the friendliest bunch.

My husband and his friends and wives are all very normal and do running and tennis for hobbies so I'm a bit self conscious around them as they're not like me and I don't really get invited to get together with them.

I've thought of going to church as I believe in the love and message of the church but the problem is that I don't really believe in God.

Can I recommend Please Yourself by Emma Turrell Reed? Quite an eye opener and a great help to ‘refresh’ your own opinion of yourself.

OP, you are looking for your tribe but all it would need is a couple of sympatico people and it sounds like you are making the right moves to their direction. There is nothing wrong with being a running/tennis type person and also nothing wrong with not being one, so be kind to yourself.

because you sound a bit lost and sad but it won't be a permanent state. Nice people do find friends, even if it takes a while.

Reading your post, I feel you need to work on you, not your friendships. Do things you enjoy for you and activities that build self confidence rather than take it away. You're not crap and don't believe it.

It's all really warming to hear this.

My soon to be ex husband has told me that for me to "have a problem" with so many of my friends (all issues listed above) then the problem has to be me.

I guess this hasn't helped my perception of things.

It's the opposite of what your ex said- the best thing to do is to fully, completely accept yourself and to learn to be happy with what you have, in terms of your personality and things you enjoy (you sound very interesting just from the few posts you've put up), your work, and your children. I've felt like you feel now, but when I started to feel more content in myself, I felt as though I stopped giving off a 'needy' vibe (not saying this is what you've been doing but definitely was what I was doing!) and my interactions with others became more about me feeling like an equal in a group setting, rather than worrying about how others felt about me, and I'm enjoying friendships a lot more now!

I note "soon to be ex" husband and that you are not really invited to get together with the running/tennis crowd, which is rather unkind if they socialise as couples. I think when you are happier generally it will be easier to relax, be yourself and find people who you really want to be around and want to be around you.

I'm never not invited but I don't do the hobbies they do which makes it difficult. Also, the men will all socialise together most of the time, leaving the women out. Some of the women have however struck up friendships but DH has never really helped to build that bridge for me. I don't think DH has helped at all with friendships since we've been together.

Don’t be offended if someone walks off. Just let them get on with it. They are making their connections, they also may not be the people for you.

You aren’t going to find close friends so quickly. It takes time. But don’t worry, when you find the right people it will be easier.

I also believe you can’t blame other people for the things that they don’t do. You either like them or you don’t. Don’t put up with it. But it’s not all their fault if you don’t get on, or they are selfish. You just need to decide if you like them and there is enough in the friendship.

I think part of this is your perception.

So, for example, the friend who posted os social media thanking friends for being there for her was probably including you in that too. Just because she didn't have the headspace to respond doesn't mean she didn't appreciate the messages you sent to her.

At the school gates I imagine it's very typical for parents to float about and speak to each other...you're perceiving this as a rejection if your company...I really wouldn't perceive it like that. Also, are you moving around to speak to different people, and if not, why not?

Thirdly your stbex isn't including you / saying you are the problem...well he is soon to be your ex, so take some I'd the things he has to say with a pinch of salt...also he is quite naturally motivated now to separate out friendships if you are going to be moving in different directions now, that is often part of the process of moving on unfortunately.

On a practical, pragmatic level you mention a friend didn't reply to long texts about your marital breakdown...it's really hard for people to think of the right things to say then, so they they leave it for a bit trying to think of what to say, and then they feel guilty and feel it's too late to reply etc etc. I would ease off on these sorts of texts. To initiate / establish friendships you've got to make it as easy and desirable as possible for the other person.

Yes of course everyone wants friendships where they can offload but people are naturally a bit selfish and are wary of becoming too emotionally invested, getting drained. This is the zone for really established relationships that can manage those sort of interactions well. Keep things as positive and upbeat as possible and you will be a desirable person to be around.

You may not have hobbies in common but that is only one piece of the picture...if you enjoy hearing about their hobbies, if you make them feel good about themselves then rapport can develop and you bond in different ways in time. I've got really diverse friendships that people would probably raise eyebrows at their being much connection, but we enjoy each others company, I'm interested in them and vice versa and they tend to be 'light' ie...fun, focussed on good conversation, and not dependent ... A sense that someone might be becoming dependent on you / too intensely invested can make people wary, that they don't have the emotional energy to devote to that and they may back off.

So I'd say don't take things personally...that is an interpretation issue and I reckon you might be getting that wrong, be an enjoyable person to be around, don't get hung up on an idea of deep friendships...enjoy lots of more 'superficial' friendships at first, the more important ones will develop naturally over time.

"Thanks everyone for your kindness. I often think that it doesn't help that I'm a bit "out there." I tend to follow more spiritual practices and don't know anyone else within my circles who do. I have joined a natural healing group who all dabble in homeopathy, aromatherapy, that sort of thing and I was hoping that friendships might come from that but social distancing during group sessions hasn't helped matters."

Maybe it's this? I do find people who invest a lot in "natural healing", aka welless and general woo-woo rather off-putting and yes this would influence how I would feel towards you as a potential friend. For example, homeopathy has become discredited as an effective treatment and I find that generally people who believe in alternative therapies are very scornful of "conventional" medicines and tend to be anti-vaxxers (an absolute no-no for me).

Maybe it's this? I do find people who invest a lot in "natural healing", aka welless and general woo-woo rather off-putting and yes this would influence how I would feel towards you as a potential friend. For example, homeopathy has become discredited as an effective treatment and I find that generally people who believe in alternative therapies are very scornful of "conventional" medicines and tend to be anti-vaxxers (an absolute no-no for me)

I'm not an anti-vaxxer. Most of us aren't.
You really don't sound like my kind of person either with your judgemental attitude towards people who explore other therapies @herecomesthebrideagain

@Colaham

Well you were the one saying that you're "shit at friendships", so I've just given you my honest opinion. I think you were seeking views from other people on here, or why bother posting?

Step back OP. Don't be the one to txt or pick up the phone first this will show you how the person feels about you. Be honest if someone cancels twice in a row... tell them you was looking forward to meeting up with them.

I agree that I see people who are into alternative therapies as having a very different world view from me and in a busy world that would become a filter for me. Sorry op.

Sounds like you didn’t have much luck with the first group but Perhaps explore other groups along those lines op?

I don't think the problem is you OP. There are A LOT of self centered people and finding good friends is hard.
I am similar to you, my friends are very few. However, they are people who are kind and take the time for me, as I do for them - and we enrich each other's lives. And that's good enough for me to be honest. I don't waste my time with the type of "friends" you describe, I'd rather do something on my own than feel drained, used or second best. But I am an introvert and that suits me fine. If you really miss social interactions, really it is best to look for people with similar values and interests, so hobbies, volunteering or meetup groups would be a good start.

I quite like some alternative health therapies but am not at all anti vax nor am I anti conventional meds.

What a strange conclusion.

This is such a hard thing to offer feedback on not knowing you in real life.

I know women in real life (co-workers really) tell me they struggle with making friends. I don't tell them what I really think (again, co-workers) but the reality is they are very intense, very clingy, very controlling, very self-absorbed, extremely judgmental and their desperation is off-putting. They lack any self awareness they are the common denominator as they burn through friends and then tell me they don't understand.

So, my thought is this is personality driven and so very hard to determine online what exactly the problem is.