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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Spending time apart...

8 replies

RavenBrooke · 23/12/2021 00:23

What should that entail?
DH is on holiday to visit family over Christmas. He'll be gone for a few weeks. I asked him to stay for longer as he has anxiety (presents as physical symptoms) and it is really affecting our family. I thought the break would do him good. Not working, relaxing and no responsibility, would mean he'd get a chance to recharge and feel better. He refuses therapy/any treatment apart from pills.
He doesn't spend time with the dc. Doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me.
After a long talk where i tried to have an open and honest conversation about why i was unhappy he stayed silent. The next day after prompting him he admitted I was right about everything I had mentioned. he had no argument against anything I'd said. I explained what I needed and wanted from him, the expectations I had. Still, nothing changed.
Now he's had these MH issues for just under two years so I'm trying to be supportive. "In sickness and in health" but really it's taking a toll as we don't really have a relationship. Barely any affection etc. Before he left I suggested we go nearly nc. By that I mean just a standard "how are you?" type of thing. Tbh I was hoping the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" would have an impact. In the past when we've spent time apart when he visits family, he has been very affectionate and its like the honeymoon period when he comes back. He was adamant he didn't want to go nc as there was no need but I am at my wits end. We spoke for a while but I've noticed he's not trying to work on his issues at all and it's pissing me off. Since last week I've not initiated contact. Twice he has messaged to say "how are you and the kids?" And ill reply "ok. How are you?" Then he'll describe his health issues in brief. That's it.
I don't mean to play games and never have done. I truly don't know what to do to mend my family and marriage. I needed this break just as much as he did because its so draining. However I'm still awake at night worrying about it all so what's the point?
Opinions, advice?

OP posts:
Fairycake2 · 23/12/2021 10:06

2 years is a long time to support someone with MH issues if they won't get help. If it was me I'd be having a real think about how this was affecting me and my children and whether separating would be best for everyone

TheFoundation · 23/12/2021 18:35

You don't want to play games but I think you are a bit. Hoping that absence would make the heart grow fonder is a bit like manipulating the situation in the hope of manipulating his feelings so that you get what you need, rather than just telling him what you need clearly, and then dealing with what to do if you don't get it.

I don't mean to be harsh; if he has MH difficulties, I can see why it would be easier to try to take a softer approach than the 'What I need from you is...' baseball bat, but if you're having trouble sleeping, it probably means that you're doing something that goes against your own morals, and I'm wondering if that's what it is..?

wizzywig · 23/12/2021 18:36

Are you actually separating?

RavenBrooke · 23/12/2021 20:16

@Fairycake2

2 years is a long time to support someone with MH issues if they won't get help. If it was me I'd be having a real think about how this was affecting me and my children and whether separating would be best for everyone
Yes, I've thought about separating but I can't bring myself to take that step. 😕
OP posts:
RavenBrooke · 23/12/2021 20:22

@TheFoundation

You don't want to play games but I think you are a bit. Hoping that absence would make the heart grow fonder is a bit like manipulating the situation in the hope of manipulating his feelings so that you get what you need, rather than just telling him what you need clearly, and then dealing with what to do if you don't get it.

I don't mean to be harsh; if he has MH difficulties, I can see why it would be easier to try to take a softer approach than the 'What I need from you is...' baseball bat, but if you're having trouble sleeping, it probably means that you're doing something that goes against your own morals, and I'm wondering if that's what it is..?

You're right, I suppose I am playing games. I just don't know what to do, I have sat down and explained how I feel a few times. He was always adamant I was exaggerating or it was out of his hands "I don't WANT to behave like this" etc. Again you're right when you mention dealing with what to do if I don't get what I want. I'm afraid to separate, I don't want to be alone. I've realised I still love him but then I second guess myself and wonder "is it love or habit? Do I love him as he is or do I love who he was?" Its so difficult to sort through my feelings, which is what I'm thinking about at night. I want to be kind and understanding but I'm tired of it too. So you're right there too, I'd feel guilty giving up on the marriage.
OP posts:
RavenBrooke · 23/12/2021 20:24

@wizzywig

Are you actually separating?
I don't want to. I know that sounds stupid seeing as he doesn't treat me right, admits it and doesn't want to change...I feel like a doormat. He says he loves me just as much as the day we got married but I don't see it in his actions.
OP posts:
TheFoundation · 23/12/2021 21:34

He was always adamant I was exaggerating or it was out of his hands "I don't WANT to behave like this" etc

He's neither respecting your feelings nor taking responsibility for his own. The reason you feel like you can't sort your feelings out is because you're denying how you really feel. Is there a bit inside you that's screaming or swearing or acting out in some other way? A furious, frustrated bit?

RavenBrooke · 23/12/2021 22:55

@TheFoundation
Yes definitely. I rant in my head. Have had sleepless nights where I've sobbed myself to sleep wondering why he makes me feel like shit but pretends everything is fine. The fact that he can disregard how I'm feeling just seems so callous to me.
He says he doesn't want to separate but makes no effort either. There's always "something" in the way. Excuses that in my eyes can be worked around, if he wanted to. I've been accomodating and patient, I think.

OP posts:
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