Young mum wanting another child in mid/late 30s ??

[andalltheboats]

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

I am 34. DP is 42.

My DD is late teens (yes I had her when I was very young, I met DP when she was 1 year old) and she's heading for uni now. Me and DP have been together since my DD was 1.5 years old. We have a DS together who is 12 now.

Maybe it's selfish, but I just feel as if I want another. I feel like I was so, so young when I had children, that I have no idea what it would be like as an actual mature adult!!

I was 16/17 when I had DD. She's embarrassingly not that much older than me in her friend groups, usually her friends and boyfriends parents are so much older than me. I don't care, but it is noticed.

I was 20/21 (just) when I had DS and feel like I was so immature and so was DP at the time. (Me 19/20. him 28/29 but immature)

DP is adamant no more children. He's now 42 nearly 43 and has some health problems and isn't as fit as he was then.

Every month my hormones are screaming have another, but DP just won't have it. His life is easy-ish now that both DD (he's always been a good step dad to her) and our DS are older. He is adamant no more.

I don't know how to get on with this.

One part of me says right OK you have one adult child and one preteen child, but biologically I am still only just turned 34.

What should I do??

If your DP won’t agree I’m not sure there’s anything you can do other than try and make peace with it. I’m permanently broody but have accepted that we can’t afford as many as I’d like. It’s not selfish though, it’s a natural feeling so don’t beat yourself up over it.

You should accept that he does not want any more children. One about to go to Uni, one in high school, I completely get why he would not want to start again.

Just to clarify, I was

17 when I had DD, and
22 (just) when I had DS - with current DP of 15 years.

I'm now 34.

DD is Uni age
DS (with DP) is high school age

DP is 42 and does not want any more.

You have t accept his decision. If you want another you'll have to leave the relationship and do it with someone else.

You’ve had your life as a mum of young children- now perhaps it’s time to be a couple and enjoy your adult children.

I completely understand all of the reasons.
I work more hours now that they are older.
Me and DP can do hobbies etc together.

But..

It still doesn't erase the thoughts that I would like to experience motherhood as an actual grown up. I had PND with both children (although it didn't impact on DP as I had lots of families support). He doesn't get this and just wants to get on with life and keeps telling me to shut up about it, how everything is much freer now.

It feels to me like he's got his boy (our DS), he dotes on my DD, and that's it for him. He is an only child too.

Maybe it's also that he seems a bit bored of us and me.

@LowlyTheWorm

Love your name btw.
I suppose it's that my 'life as a mother of young children' then was stressful beyond belief, I was mentally ill and my family and his helped (although I still did the vast majority of everything whilst trying to work nearly full time around both kids needs).

I suppose I'd do and see things much differently now, and that's why I'm having these thoughts. That and hormones I guess.

I cannot believe what I let happen when I was 17 - 22 !!

You need to find a new view on life beyond being a mum.

Your reasons for wanting another are understandable and valid. In fact I think it’s ok to want another for no reason at all. But unfortunately your DP doesn’t and you can not force him into it. Neither of you are wrong but you want different things. I expect he’s feeling pressure from you if he’s asking you to stop talking about it and I think you need to respect that. Imagine if the roles were reversed, it would be horrible to have your partner keep bringing up the topic of wanting you to do something you don’t want to do.

You have no choice but to accept and respect his decision really, and then decide for yourself what you do from there. Either accept your circumstances in your relationship mean having more children is not an option and allow yourself to grieve that, or you decide having another child is more important and consider finding a new relationship or looking into fertility options as a solo mum.

If you stay with DP, you have no choice and no decision to make. He does not want a baby , end of.

Do you want a baby badly enough to leave a good man, and your longterm home, start all over again looking for another good man who DOES want a child?

As others have said, if DP doesn't want more then you have no choice. No ethical choice, anyway. I suppose you could leave him, but would you want to do that, break up your family to go off and find someone else to have a new family with?

I had my older 2 kids young (in my 20s) and then had another in my 40s. My oldest is 20 and my youngest is 2. It's bloody exhausting and I've started to think about all the things I'd be doing in my free time at weekends and evenings now if I weren't tending to the needs of my (lovely) small child on top of working AND now being perimenopausal.

I wouldn't change it of course, but something to think about. "Wanting a baby" is very different to actually having another child and I think it's easy to forget that when your older kids are so far beyond the early years stage.

Maybe it's also that he seems a bit bored of us and me.

Doesn't sound like you are particularly happy in the relationship.

Honestly, it sounds like you had a tough time when your kids were young. But your dp doesn't want more, there's a good chance that PND will return and you will find another just as stressful and have the same issues, your dp has some health problems, the relationship doesn't sounds great.

I feel like you think being older will, magically, mean this time round everything will be great. It really doesn't. Especially of the father doesn't want a child and the relationship isn't great. Doesn't sound like he was a great dad either, if you were doing everything and working full time.

Yanbu to want another child. But it doesn't really sound like a great idea. And if he doesn't want one, that's kind of it.

Unless you are willing to leave and try and find someone you do want to have a baby with.

You really can't force your dp to be a dad again.

Im really sorry but why do you think it would be that much better now? I had ds at 34. Dh was 40 with a chronic illness. The broken sleep made him much more ill. I was borderline for PND - it sounds as of yu are high risk to have it again, which would really affect your 12 year old. Dh was 'mature' as in set in his ways and struggled to adapt to ds's needs sometimes. And if there are tensions in your relationship, having a baby is going to split them wide open.

Broodiness is a physical feeling and it's hard to bear but you really isn't a call to action.

I feel similar, had a child at 17,18 and 22. I'm now 29.

I feel like in the future I want more but I dont have the space and the idea of 4 .

Seeing my siblings have their babies now when they are older and having maternity leave aswell. I'm surrounded by babies.

Broodiness is hard I have to keep rationalising with myself but the feelings are strong.

I am at a good place work wise and we have a solid routine at home. I can also remember the stress of breastfeeding and the sleepness nights and the relentless feeling of never having time to myself.

Also the never ending school run. If I had a child now or in a few years we would've spend half our life doing the school run which takes up a lot of time and limits the hours we can work.

Selfishly aswell I think about my body and how I've gotten into shape these past few years. I dont want to have more varicose veins, more stomach fat etc.

But still, one sniff of my my nephews head and I want a baby again!

You sound all at sea OP as I understand that hormones and desires for a baby are really hard things to ignore.

But your hard difficult sleepless years have passed now. You have the luxury of being able to parent teenagers and adults whilst still being young enough to enjoy your own young years.

It’s really hard being a parent of young kids for so long. You’ll be 54 by the time a baby is where your eldest is. Your husband will be 64…. That’s your whole adult life gone and you’ll likely have grandkids by then too and retirement will be the next step straight after parenting.

I’d stop focusing about your age and his age and that you physically probably could have more children. You’ve got two, and he’s done.

I have friends who had kids at 23 ish and then more at 42 ish. It doesn’t seem appealing at all when you see them starting again with mid teenagers in the house. It’s complicated & they’re tired & they’re missing out on teenager things because of babies & toddlers.

My brother is the same age as your DH with a 1 year old. I’m your age with a 12 & 11 year old. I’m so happy I started young and now have a good flexible life too.

I'm sure these feelings are normal. My DH has had a vasectomy as I insisted I didn't want anymore (also young mum) but I often wonder if I made the right choice as I'm getting older my biological clock seems to have kicked in. I remember all the other stuff that comes with a baby and don't want to start again. Your partner has health problems- that sounds like something that isn't going to go away. He is older than you and finished. I would try to focus on other things. It would be incredibly hard to start again- and if your partner doesn't want one then you'd have to leave him and restart. Is it worth it?

I think it's normal to want more. Your hormones are speaking louder than common sense

It will pass. Stay strong

You'd be mad to have another baby now. Focus on your life, career, relationship snd don't go back. If you had PND before; you will probably have it again.

I think it’s normal even without having been young when you had your children. Even though I categorically don’t want any more children I’m still sad that I will never have a baby again. However the main positive of having kids young is energy, don’t inflict a baby on your 43 year old partner, my idea of hell to have a toddler at 45.

your children will have children in no time, and you will meet again with nappies and sickness, and dirty noses, and tantrums and all the like. This part of your life is over because of your hubby and it's not a bad thing, going through teenage years again when you are older is not an easy stuff.

You can't erase the past by having another baby. It won't be easy just because you're older. I can't even imagine how hard having a baby at 16 was, but at least you had the advantage of youthful energy and confidence. It won't just be a baby - you'll do every stage again. Teething nights, potty training, tantrums, endless negotiations, being stuck at home in the evenings unless you have childcare, school dramas, teenage hideousness... you've done it all, you have a family. I can't imagine why on earth you'd want to go back to the baby stage again.

I think most women's hormones tell them to have more babies, and especially as you get older. We are incredibly lucky to live in a time of reliable contraception, so we can make decisions based on what's best for our lives.

Someone else's comment just made me think - why don't you want your own life now? You've done it backwards to many people - and presumably missed out on a lot of fun when you were young. But now you have the freedom to do your own thing, with the advantage of more money and life knowledge, at an age when most people are just having babies and accepting that their freedom will be curtailed for the next few years.

I think you're looking to rectify the past. You want to try again and this time it will be perfect! But it won't be. You've got other things you can do now. Look forward to grandkids if you're desperate for babies.

Even if you had a child as an adult it doesn’t guarantee you won’t get PND. I think you may be sugar coating it, but the reality is having children is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I am pregnant now and very excited and I’m 31, I also had a child quite young and had PND. But I’ve had to tell myself it could happen again regardless of my age. DP is taking 4 months off with me this time and I’ve got an all terrain buggy so I can walk in the countryside. Hoping to protect against it but there’s no guarantees.

I think if DP doesn’t want more kids, the best you can do is enjoy life with your grown-up children and spend more time together as a couple

Are you trying to "put right" something that you feel didn't go great when you were younger? This doesn't sound like a great reason to bring a new person into the world. Giving a new LO the perfect baby/toddler hood isn't going to change what happened with your first two, and you might find you have less to offer this one in his/her teens because of less money, energy, time (you might be juggling youngest plus elderly parents, ILs and maybe grandkids!!) Not to mention if your relationship breaks down because it wasn't what your DP wanted. I think you need to make peace with the mother you have been. You sound like you and DP have offered your kids a loving, stable home and they also received extra love and support from wider family. The age you had them (energy levels!) and the childhood experience (closer relationships with their grandparents? Aunts and uncles?) might be something lots of older mums wish they would have but can't, and would be perfectly normal in lots of cultures. Its just not so much the "norm" at this time in your/our culture but nothing to be ashamed of. Lots and lots of mums in their 30s get PND and it doesn't harm their kids or make them a bad mum either.

Agree with PPs, it's the hormones.
Starting over now would be a major disruption to all your lives.
Hopefully there will be grandchildren in the future.