NC as I don't want to risk being identified... Sorry will be a bit long - may be harder to understand for ppl who don't have someone close to them with a PD but hopefully context will help.
Background: My mum has a PD and we have always had a complicated/volatile relationship (we have always clashed around communication, boundaries etc.). She is a kind person, but my childhood experiences of her frequent emotional outbursts and constantly feeling responsible for her being sad (I was never doing enough to help her) left me confused and with huge emotional walls up with her, which I began to unpack in my 20s. I tried talking to her about how I felt about 8 years ago, and everything unravelled with her essentially spiraling into a dark hole of self pity and depression. She was then diagnosed with her PD.
After a very long journey with lots of downs, and some calm times, I now accept that I can't have an authentic and open relationship with her. She has broken my heart more than a few times with angry and vicious outbursts when something I have said (such as "I'm not sure I can video chat more often right now as I just had a baby") has hurt her feelings. Calls me screaming I'm a horrible manipulative person (while I am holding my 2 week old baby). I try to be kind but also want to be true to myself. She seems to want a fantasy mother-daughter relationship she has in her head, and if I deviate from that openly, she spirals. She had a very difficult childhood and I do feel for her, but I can't be responsible for her happiness and I also harbour so much resentment towards her.
So, at this point in our journey I accept that our relationship will be superficial, and distant. I really cannot even look her in the eyes. Her presence is hard for me to bear as I am just so heartbroken by things she has done in the past to me, combined with a lot of connection-seeking/attention-seeking behaviours that are extremely grating.
My issue: We are in town for the holidays (normally live many hours away from my parents, who are still married), and my mother is on her best behaviour and always looking at me with puppy eyes, wanting hugs and to do things together. She has hurt me so much in the past and I just can't have that kind of relationship with her anymore. Experience has shown me I also can't explain that to her as she really can't handle it. I am doing grey rock/acting as kind as I can while keeping a distance, but the guilt is absolutely killing me. She's like a sad child in so many ways, desperate for her fantasy relationship with me while never truly taking accountability for the damage she has caused with her outbursts. I am very close to the rest of my family am trying my best to be kind but every time I visit, the guilt is breaking my heart. Any words of wisdom from those with loved ones with a PD?