Lundy Bancroft - anyone read it?

[kelseypops]

About to give it a go, I've heard good things. But also slightly nervous about reading it. Not sure why - probably because it will help me realise who the person I married actually is which will be a hurtful process

Oh, feck yeah!

It's life-changing, eye-opening.

If you read nothing but the myths&realities section, ok (but not ideal). But when you read things, you'll want to read the rest. It's brilliant.

I’m just over half way through. I’ll be honest, it’s been uncomfortable reading! I never wanted to admit that the man I thought I fell in love with was an act and I’m actually married to is emotionally abusive. But it’s helpful. It’s helped me prepare for what I suspect will be separation.

It’s an eye opener! I read it many years ago when it was first published. As PP said, the myths section is a must. Don’t be nervous, it’s empowering!

Yes - I recommend it, but it is eye-opening in a sometimes painful way.

I'm not sure that's the original book - not heard of the 'daily wisdom for' version before. It might be a follow up. The one I knew about was just 'why does he do that...". Might be worth checking.

I wish it was part of the school curriculum along with the book wifework. Both would potentially really improve outcomes for girls and women.

I would also recommend the "Something was Wrong" podcast, it's about a women who has been gaslit and abused and how she would brush it off as her fault. The reference Lindt's story too.

I listened to it in complete horror when I realised I could be listening to two people I know talking to me about the same thing.

I think it's excellent.

American-y (!) but excellent.

Esp the myths about abuse and abuser profiles parts.

I've heard that Don Henessy, how he gets into her head is good too.

There used to be a few lectures by Lundy Bancroft on YouTube, some covering some of the material in the book; he comes across as so genuine and sincere and well-adjusted. Also I think he's ok'd large sections of hos book veing reproduced and posted online for free, which says a lot about him.

I've always thought the statement about an abusive man being like a magician who's always drawing the focus away (with excuses usually conforming to one or more of the "myths") from what he's really doing and why; the "he wants you to believe he's a beautiful broken machine that you can fix if only you can find the right tool/formula/technique," ( or words roughly to that effect) is superb.

Great book, read it at the right time and answered the question I was still struggling to understand, gave me clarity and helped me move on.

archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Here is a link to a free version on archive. Org - it’s a proper website non profit library cataloguing lots of books. A very good resource.

It's not an easy read and I still haven't finished it but very interesting. However, I would not recommend it as quickly as many people do on here as bankroft dealt primarily with the worst of the worst. I wouldn't like to think qnyone going through abuse for example would read it and think 'oh well at least my partner isn't THAT bad'.

But I do think it is a good read for those who have left violent relationships and already done a fair bit of reading, the freedom program ect...

I also think lundy bankrofts 7 (I think its 7 anyway...might be 9) types of abusers is worth reading for all. I think its online if you Google it.

I much preferred See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill. It talks about shame and the four responses we have to shame, attack self, attack others, deny and avoid.

A lot of domestic abuse resources talk about power and control but I find that really hard to identify with. It was clear to me that he would hurt me when he felt ashamed (which was all the time as he was so easily upset by everything) and I was an attack myself kind of shame person so him attacking me and me attacking myself just felt normal. I guess he wanted power and control not over me but over his own feelings of shame. You can either work through it or project it on others, throw your weight around, attack others etc. Outside the house he was perfectly pleasant and helpful, him being so insecure and volatile at home I mistook for intimacy. I don't see this reflected in many texts so often found reading books etc would make me even more confused about who he was and what he did and that he couldn't be an abuser because in my eyes he was vunerable too. He did have an entitlement, he never apologised unless he thought sex was on the cards.

The original "why does he do that?" changed my perception of what was going on around me....a scales fell from my eyes moment.....