How do I cope with DH moods this Christmas

[feemcgee]

DH has been really stressed working on a new work project and is doing silly hours. He can sit at his computer at home for hours and hours, and is barely going out of the house. This is a worry and I'm trying to get him to have breaks, but he won't. I'm trying to be supportive but he gets cross and snaps at me. I realise that he is not coping and is perhaps depressed too. I'm also working full time and am also doing everything in the house and for the kids, including everything for Christmas. I am sympathetic and want to help, but am finding myself getting frustrated too. I'd love a stress-free Xmas for once but have a feeling that it won't be. Any tips please?

This sounds tough, I'm sorry you're having to handle it so close to Christmas. You say you've been trying to get him to have breaks, but does he know how worried you are?

Sometimes subtle nudges aren't enough –I wonder (and you may have already done this) if you need to sit him down for a frank conversation about the situation as a whole?

He might 'hear it' better if it's a specific conversation about how he's doing in general and how it's affecting you / what you can do as a team to tackle it for both of your benefits, rather than just trying to (from his perspective) get him to take breaks when he's already so stressed that he doesn't feel he can.

I’ve had grumpiness for years this year I’ve scaled Christmas right back I just don’t care anymore he’s got something to moan about this year, very few presents I want nothing off him physical presents books for kindle food is in but not loads. He can watch his crap I’ve got my viewing sorted out. So books on kindle, chocolates , my cake so I’m happy even a Yule log .

Thanks penguinwithasuitcase, that sounds like a great idea, I'll do that tonight x

This is a worry and I'm trying to get him to have breaks, but he won't

He's an adult - why are you worrying about him working hard? I bet you're working equally as hard.

I realise that he is not coping and is perhaps depressed too

What makes you think that?

Adult conversation, when your both relatively stress free and not hungry/exhausted.

Or what 90% of us do, and blow up over something inconsequential and simmer in rage until boxing day - but honestly I'd give conversation a run first :)

It sounds as though he’s behaving like a knob
Is this usual for him? Do you have kids?

This sounds awful. Lots of people have very stressful jobs, but they don't take it out on their nearest and dearest. I feel sorry for your children too.

Does your DH realise how unpleasant it is for you and your children? Does he want to change and find other coping techniques?

I will ask the standard MN question, is he short and snappy with his work colleagues too, or is it just with his family?

When he starts being cross and snappy, can you just leave the room, walk away and refuse to engage with him. When he has calmed down tell him frankly you are not prepared to be spoken to in that manner.

Hmmm, so DH has a job. You have a job plus house, children and Christmas. Plus you're worrying about DH's wellbeing. He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for himself and also for his family.

@Sarahlou63

This is a worry and I'm trying to get him to have breaks, but he won't

He's an adult - why are you worrying about him working hard? I bet you're working equally as hard.

I realise that he is not coping and is perhaps depressed too

What makes you think that?

I think it's easy online to assume the worst of people's partnerships (goodness knows I've done it myself on here before), but I imagine OP knows her partner well and cares enough about him to be able to spot when something's not right.

Lots of adults do work hard, you're right, and it is stressful, and part of being someone's partner is supporting them through stressful moments and pointing out things they might not have spotted themselves.

I've definitely appreciated it when I've been skating close to burnout and my DP has pointed it out to me. And I've certainly, when stretched to breaking point, got irritable around the people close to me in ways I'm not proud of now.

Maybe OP's DP is a horrible arse, who knows? But maybe we give her / him / them the benefit of the doubt first?

He isn’t asking for your help OP and your help isn’t working if he’s snapping. I’d leave him too it and enjoy your Christmas and think about your own wellbeing. You are working full time and doing all the Christmas stuff, that is a lot for one person.

Hmmm….I’m in 2 minds really. I can 100% see how this isn’t fair on you working FT, doing everything in the lead up to Christmas with kids and general life as well. But I can understand being stressed and totally having to focus and spend time on a work project.

(I know when I’m like that my DH tries to gently get me to switch off (from the screen and in my brain) and relax but whilst I really appreciate the sentiment and his kindness sometimes I just need to finish what I’m doing and get through it before I can stop. (Probably not healthy either!)

Is it a time limited project or is there no end in sight? Definitely try and sit down and have a chat with him when he’s not stressed. If you think he’s stressed and depressed I’d suggest he chats to his GP. Antidepressants for me help me keep life in perspective - my circumstances haven’t changed (still same workload or problems) but my ability to cope with them has. Is he sleeping ok? Maybe something to help him sleep (and help with stress?) like mitrazapine.

I know it’s not fair on you though and I hope you find a good solution (and I realise my reply comes from mirroring my own annoying tendencies when work is horrible and stressful)