Arguments taken too far?

[Circus96]

I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and we live together. We have arguments frequently recently about everything and anything. I admit I am a stubborn human and I like to argue my point if I believe what I’m saying is right. We can have minor disagreements that turn into major arguments because neither of us will back down if we think we are right.

My boyfriend however tends to get quite angry and he will throw something or hit something in his aggression and tends to storm off after this. He also has a habit of saying quite mean things during this. Later when I go to clear the air he says the reason for these arguments is the fact I am so argumentative and stubborn.

My question here is is his reaction valid? Is it normal? I don’t believe I am any more argumentative than the average person, if I think I’m right I try to prove my point regardless. How do I become less so?

No his reaction is not valid

What you're describing is quite toxic and dangerous.

You both need to take time to work on yourselves separately before having another relationship, probably with different people.

He crossed a line.

I guess the question that comes to mind is, is your ego more important than your relationship?

No his reaction isn’t valid, however if you have been arguing for 2 hours over something pathetic I’d probably get pretty pissed off too.

Not worth swallowing your pride every now and again so things don’t escalate?

No his behaviour isn't ok.

All this arguing sounds exhausting, though. You may think you're right, you don't need to agree, but can you not "agree to disagree" and move on, rather than arguing about everything and anything. Doesn't sound like the arguments get either of you anywhere...

And by "you" I am referring to both of you.

He is behaving like a dick. It is not OK.

My boyfriend however tends to get quite angry and he will throw something or hit something in his aggression

There will come a time when what he hits will be you

Hitting and throwing things is domestic abuse. It's not OK, ever. It's a short step from hitting an inanimate object to hitting a partner or child.

Did his aggressive behaviour escalate at a time when you might have become more isolated and therefore reliant on him? Eg moved in together away from your family and friends, left/lost a job or went part time, fell pregnant...? Abuse often ramps up when an abuser feels you're trapped with them.

Throwing and hitting things? Nope, kick him to the curb.

Who owns the property you live in, can you move out. Don't tell him you are leaving, just go.

@KirstenBlest

My boyfriend however tends to get quite angry and he will throw something or hit something in his aggression

There will come a time when what he hits will be you

I agree with this.

His reaction is not OK. And I notice that the reason he gets so angry is that you are unreasonable? In other words it is all your fault and he is not taking responsibility for his reaction.
You need to walk away from this before he hits you, but it will be your fault

But neither is the way you both argue.
It is really unhealthy and quite toxic between you.
You need to look at yourself too, and think about these arguments and how you communicate and how you deal with this. Are you like this with other people or only with him?

No: his reactions are not valid. As an adult he is responsible for his actions and reactions. He fights dirty. That is who and how is he. He wont change. Regardless off the topic of the fight.

Both of you have to grow up and learn to present your arguments for and against in such a way that nobody loses their rag. You need to learn to agree to disagree if you are going to stay together. Otherwise someone will get hurt.

If you argue a lot it probably means you shouldn’t be together.

It's never ok to throw or hit things but you already know that.
You do sound exhausting, why is so important to you to be right?

His reaction to your need to be right, is toxic and dangerous

Your need to be right is childish

Sure it normal...for a sociopath.

An relationship that feels like one big ongoing argument is often a result of a toxic element. Narcissist and similar like to pick pick pick, provoke and press buttons. The want you worn down by it. Breaking things and punching walls are common too from their kind because it is an intimidation tactic, again, to keep you down.

Run. Run fast. Run far.

"His reaction to your need to be right, is toxic and dangerous

Your need to be right is childish"

This. You're both at fault but he is the one presenting the physical danger in the relationship and it sounds like you would be better off walking away for your own safety.

I think you would be better off apart and - both of you - doing work on yourselves before you get into another relationship. For you, that would be because picking fights over trivia because you're sure you're right is immature and potentially toxic in itself.

You sound young, OP. It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that you might not always be right or that you and he might both be right. Sometimes - often in fact - there is no single right answer to a question: thoughtful, reasonable people can validly have different views on what is right.

As a PP said - if you argue a great deal of the time then you're not right for each other.