How do you get over being bitter about the load falling to you when oh leaves

[gregs1974]

I seem to be on a roll this week as
My emotions are all over the place.
My oh took off and left for ow nearlythree years ago.
My children are badly affected by it.
One doesn't really speak to him because of it. The second will take or leave him and the youngest is quite emotionally damaged overall.
He is disinterested as a father and his partner comes first.
He decides when he is going to spend time with kids based on when his partner decides she wants to come and stay for a few visit. Kids not allowed to go to his house when partner is there.
He contributes 20% of his net salary as maintenance but it hardly
Covers the basics of living.
He won't pay medical/ dental or education expenses as agreed.
I'm waiting on my legal team to serve papers.
Everything seems to be like hitting a brick wall and I feel so weak from it all.
I've no energy left and feel so down.
I used to love Christmas but the stress of working and parenting full time leaves me feeling frozen. I'm
Nether happy nor distressed.
Help me to alleviate the bitterness.
He lets them and me down ALL the time and I feel like my outlook has changed from a very bubbly positive woman to a woman who is just
Going through the motions putting on an act for her kids, all of whom have their own emotional needs mostly caused by his abandonment , as they see it .
Thanks for reading if you didn't die of boredom.

You need to evict him from your head.

He's a gobshite.

Stop contacting him. Reduce the ways and times he can contact you.

Expect him to do fuck all, then you can be pleasantly surprised when he does something.

But most of all put yourself first. Before your kids for a while if that's what it takes. They need you happy as much as you need to find a proper balance, your own life.

Sod him. Live your life as though he does not exist.

Let your legal team do all the chasing of payments he has missed.

At least give yourself a happier Christmas than your last line suggests you are currently aiming for. You're not boring, just worn down by a dickehead.

Best you OP, I'm having a hard time with a difficult ex too. Don't let him win. Its hard when everything falls to you. Be glad you're rid of him. The legal issue will take care of itself in time.

You sound exhausted can you have a nice bath and get to bed early? And treat yourself with some nice food.

You need to practice some self love and self care. Is there any contact order for the children? If not I would tell him he needs to agree set times and dates to see the children. If they don't want to see him I wouldn't push it. He sounds like a total loser.

Is there any counselling you can access for yourself or the children? Do you have any family who can have the children for a few hours so you can get sometime to yourself.

As hard as it is, don't let him ruin your Christmas - he's not worth anymore of your time.you will get back to the person you used to be in time. Your children know they can count on you ! Yourr doing a great job, don't forget that!

First of all, don't call it 'bitterness'. That is a gaslighting word that suggests your ongoing anger is misplaced or inappropriately long lived. It's perfectly reasonably to be pissed that it all falls to you. That didn't happen once three years ago. It's happening now, every day. However, you will be in a better headspace to deal with it if you, as pp said, acknowledge that he isn't going to do what he should. Get validation on what a great mum you are from your kids and friends and family who know the truth and let them tell you how brilliant you are for managing. It's hard and it's a long long game, but the 'winner' ultimately is the one with the good relationship with the kids.

Thanks ladies.
I'm just knackered.
I'll have a lovely bath and diy facial
Tonight with a bit of tan to My face. That normally gives me a boost.
Also the kids will probably be asleep for a few hours in the mornings over the holidays which will allow me to read or
Listen to some music.
Thanks for suggestions and reassurance.

I feel for you and recognize those feelings oh so well. I still struggle 10 years later to muster up much enthusiasm at Christmas as I'm just permanently knackered all the time. I made peace with the fact that 100% of the load fell to me now whether I liked it or not. He was never going to change, I mean why would he? he could waltz off and do what he wanted.. Used to really peeve me that he took me to court for contact and then frequently cancelled it.. I came to expect it. DC never wanted to go, and now she's older does anything to avoid going and only goes the bare minimum out of obligation to stop him moaning.

Acceptance does not mean you're not entirely entitled to feel royally pissed off about it as it's irrevocably changed your life.

I would stop him and his partner coming to your house. He seems to be calling all the shots.

Can you not make him stick to an arrangement?

It’s not boring sweetheart !
I am also dealing with emotional fall out , damaged kids and full time work
The only difference is I split with him first as he was abusive (rather than he left )
He did go to his home country tho and covid hit ….

I have one piece of advice which is self care
If you don’t do things for yourself , you will wither

And everyone has different things
I work hard but I try and see friends , take care of myself , even did some internet dating
And I’m going to continue that in 2022

I’m also going to study non violent resistance as my kids are so messed up and it’s the only technique that calls to me
It also advocates self care xx

Hi op. You can't change him, only your response to him.
I'm just reading a great book called 'you can't ruin my day' by Allen Klein and this quote from there comes to mind:
'Your anger and resentment is completely legitimate but holding on to it is only holding you down and preventing you from moving forward. It zaps your energy - energy that you could use more productively to fully get pleasure from your relationships and enrich your life'

Your response will also affect how your children feel about things. Take the pandemic for example. I have friends whose kids were really anxious about it and upset at missing out on stuff. I was really relaxed and talked positively about the things that we could only do because we were in lockdown. My kids missed some stuff but we all had a relaxing and enjoyable time.

When I split up with my ex, he wanted 50/50. I didn't know if I could cope not seeing them all the time as I'd done all their care during their lives but I looked at the bright side and enjoy my free time. Equally, when I split up with my eldest's father, he never saw him so I had full custody of him. I was grateful that I didn't have to miss out on seeing him.

My ex financially abused me and left me in a very difficult financial state. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I'm financially comfortable doing a job I love and I'm on target to make a considerable amount of money next year. Maybe if my ex had left me in a better financial state I wouldn't have had the need to look for ways I could grow my business and would have just coasted.

I see it with friends all the time. Their happiness isn't usually about their situation but about their outlook. There are things you can't change in all our lives, so we may as well look at the positives.

When I've felt angry or upset, I always think about how lucky I am to have my kids. That they are healthy etc.

Your ex is missing out on his kids. My ex wasn't around much when they were younger and didnt lift a finger. I was frazzled but it was him who missed out. He has them 50/50 now but they are older and busy doing their things.

All the best op.