Reaching out to ex (absent father)

[RedCandyApple]

My ex doesn’t see our children at all, he is fully absent and has been for the last 4 years (apart from about 3 times in those 4 years) anyway there is zero contact at all, and he last saw them a year ago (like I said he’s been absent for 4 years but he has popped up on a few occasions asking to see them but disappearing again very quickly) anyway the last time he was meant to see them was on my daughters birthday when he asked if he could come over and see her, I said yes but he just never showed up. No call no text nothing, he didn’t even respond to the messages I sent asking when he was coming. That was the last time we had contact.

My oldest has autism and severe behavioural problems, I’m struggling with her on my own as I can’t even go out with her, her behaviour is completely out of control and I just can’t manage it on my own, I have no help from family they are all useless. My daughters problems are affecting my other children as I’m unable to take them anywhere. Should I reach out to my ex? I’ve always been against contacting him and I’m fully of the opinion that you can’t force someone to be a parent but of course my situation isn’t a typical situation and my daughter is getting harder and harder then older she gets I’m not sure how much more I can cope with. Would it be a terrible idea to contact him?

I don't think he's going to help you. You might hear from him if you said 'I've got a million quid and a quarter of it is yours' but 'please help me out by doing some difficult parenting'? Why would he want to do that? And if he did agree, would him flitting in and out of your children's lives more regularly really help, esp with your DD's behavioural problems?

I can fully understand why you want support, I just think you're setting yourself up to be let down again. Are you getting any help at all with your DD?

I do not think it is at all worth reaching out to your ex. It would not achieve anything and he comes across in your post as a waste of space.

How old is your DD?. Have you reached out to the authorities re your DD, is there for instance an EHCP in place for her re her education and healthcare?.

No no help outside of school and personally don’t want to go down the ss route (bad experiences in the past) when I did have contact with them they suggested reaching out to him anyway 🤦🏻

I should add that he claimed a few days after the birthday incident that he never got any of my messages, (never been a problem before) and we had made plans for him to come so he would have contacted me or showed up anyway which he didn’t. He obviously did get the messages.

Yes she has an EHCP but all help is in school, it’s at home, I can’t take her anywhere can’t go to the shops, even the park is out of the question. She is 10.

Does the health and care parts of this document cover any of her life outside of school?.

No it doesn’t, it’s all around school.

Everyone said being a single parent gets easier but not in my situation, I’ve been waiting for the day it gets easier, it gets harder every day. Her help is purely in school, she has a 1:1 and even on her school trip they took 3 members of staff to accompany her.

You can ask for a reassessment of needs or early review of the EHCP. Also, don’t be put off from children’s services, you could get support via an assessment from the disabled children’s team for DD and a carer’s assessment.

Do you have a Young Carers service locally?

How old are your younger DC? If under 5 get in contact with HomeStart.