Am I controlling or is my boyfriend a twat?

[youaremysunshine568]

Hello Mumsnet. A little bit about my past for context: I had really difficult childhood. A completely absent father and an unloving, emotionally abusive mother. I went into care when I was 14, and by the age of 16 I was out living in the world as a fully independent adult. I struggled with a drug and alcohol problem from my late teens right through my 20s and into my early 30s. I was absolutely miserable and at 32 I finally got myself into a 12 step program and started having counselling (psychodynamic). I’ve been working on myself pretty much ever since. I got myself sober. I got myself a degree and a masters. I got a decent career going. I saved up a deposit and bought myself a flat. I am now 43 and outwardly I look like a person who has turned their life around and got their shit together. However, inside it doesn’t feel like that at ALL. I’ve never been married. I never had children (although I don’t actually want them to be honest). I do want to be in a relationship though, but I still struggle immensely with boundaries and relying on my own responses/ instincts.

I am now seeing a man who is 37. He’s my first proper relationship since getting sober. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 years, but because of the pandemic and the fact that there were longish periods where we couldn’t see each other owing to the restrictions, it feels like we are really only just properly getting to know each other now IYSWIM.

My problem is this: I often notice him checking out much younger women in their late teens and early 20s (definitely of legal age but very young). Fair enough, he finds these women attractive. I find other men attractive too sometimes. But as I’ve gotten older, the men that I find attractive are older too. I honestly couldn’t look at a 20 year old man in that way, they literally feel like kids to me? We have an open relationship where we can talk about things freely, so I decided to mention to him that it makes me uncomfortable when he looks at them. In hindsight, I wonder if that was a mistake and that perhaps I’ve been quite controlling? After all, he’s never given me any reason to believe he’s anything but devoted to me. He’s just looking. However he took on board what I said and said sorry and reassured me he loves me and finds me beautiful (I never doubted this to be fair). The problem is, I think I’ve made things so much worse by bringing it up because now he makes it even more obvious when he finds a younger woman attractive by trying too hard to “act normal” and he gets all flustered. For example, we got served by a beautiful young waitress (no older than about 19) the other evening and where before he would have just had a bit of a look, he instead turned into this blithering idiot, (think Hugh Grant on acid). It was mortifying and I felt for the young woman too as she must have noticed and felt uncomfortable. Have I done something really bad and made an issue where there wasn’t one and destroyed my relationship? Can we come back from this?

I am still in therapy and I’ve spoken about this a lot with my counsellor, but as she doesn’t give her opinions or advice I’m not getting what I need, which is a much needed reality check! I need some perspective from you guys please. Is this just a normal instinct from older men that I need to accept as I age? Because it just feels so bloody depressing if it is. I know I shouldn’t try to police my partners thoughts, but at the same time, I can’t deny that it makes me feel like shit. Do I just have incredibly low self esteem? Do all men find much younger women attractive but still love their older wives? I don’t know what to do going forwards. I feel like if I talk to my partner about it again it will just make it worse and that maybe I should ride it out and let it blow over. It feels horrible though. I just don’t know what to do with myself when he’s clearly distracted by someone half my age right in front of me. I just sort of sit there until he brings his attention back to me. Thanks for reading xxx

Wow, so many responses. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond, I really do appreciate it.

He was definitely giving these young women more than just a quick glance, he was having a good old look. It reminded me of how gross it used to make me feel in my younger days when older men would look me up and down on the tube or whatever. I genuinely don’t think he realised how obvious he was being until I pointed it out though. I think that there’s probably some insecurity on my side that I need to work on but also a lack of maturity on his side that, to give him his due, he appears to be trying to address. I’m just not sure I can be arsed with him now though? My respect for him has lessened and I just feel a bit sad about it all really. I am going to give a bit more time and see how it pans out.

Thanks again xxx

Good call OP, there’s no need to take action immediately, see how you feel in a week or month, whatever suits you. Good luck, you sound lovely 😊

He doesn't sound like he deserves a person like you OP. Chuck him back in the sea and find a chap with integrity

Haven't read any other replies yet so this is my uncensored response. I have several adult sons and often discuss with them things like older men fancying younger women. I think it's common, "normal" and not being a twat at all to find a young woman attractive - what matters is how he acts and how he treats you. One of my DS said, there's always an evolutionary reason for an older man to find a younger woman attractive. On a primitive level your caveman brain is attracted to someone you might be able to have kids with. It's what happens when your conscious brain kicks in that counts.
I was mildly pissed off one holiday when I noticed boyfriend being friendly to a pretty young woman there with her parents. Then I noticed the several other 50-something men in our group who were also mooning after her like spaniels after a biscuit. Then I remembered having been one of those young women who thought older men were always so helpful and kind and having naively thought that their kindness was entirely innocent as they never made a move. I chuckled cynically and did not take it personally.
If your bf was apologetic and is now clearly making an effort to not gawp, I think he sounds decent. I'd laugh about it and move on and just see how you feel in future. I wouldn't throw away a good relationship over this, personally.

He is making someone doing their job -uncomfortable. Really not on. Leering etc -treating a younger woman as a piece of meat is not attractive.

Totally different.

Boundaries.

There's a big difference between having a quick glance and leering and acting like a complete fool.

Quick glance completely normal. Leering and fawning is gross.

@NdujaWannaDance

Do all men find much younger women attractive but still love their older wives?

Yes, I think they probably do. There's a difference between appreciating a beautiful young woman and doing the odd double take (that's natural and I as a straight middle aged woman will sometimes do it too) and full on letching and leering and objectifying. Only you can know which is happening here, but it sounds normal and harmless.

I don't think you are being controlling, but perhaps a tad insecure and over-analytical of his every look/movement.

He's being a twat . Dump the wankpot, you sound amazing don't let this idiot steal one more minute.

Christ. Ignore posters like that. They probably don't have a relationship so find it incredibly easy to tell everyone else to throw theirs away for even the smallest, imagined misdemeanors.

Yep. All of this.

Also, just because the idea of you finding a 20yr old man attractive, gives you the ick, why is it acceptable for you to apply your perception to people he looks at, but it's fine for you to find a 50yr old man attractive? He might get the same ick at fancying a 50yr old woman, and then you'd be angry about that. But it's ok for you to say that about him and the people he finds attractive?

As PP says, there's nothing at all wrong with him finding a 20yr old attractive. Or you finding a 50yr old attractive. If, however, either of you are leering, then the problem there is nothing to do with the age of who you're leering at.

I'm around your age. And will often notice beautiful young women. Not in a creepy way, or that they'd even notice themselves. I was out with DH the other day and this absolutely stunning woman went past. Early 20s I guess. Could have been younger. About 5ft 11 and just effortlessly beautiful. I commented to DH "Jesus, if she's not a model, she should be." And I'm not a "cool wife", I genuinely do it all the time. I'm always "she's got lovely hair"..."she's pretty"

Is there a problem with that because frequently these women are nearly 20yrs younger than me, but suddenly it's ok if they're my age or older?

Your clarification makes it clear that he’s a lech who makes young women uncomfortable.

I couldn’t tolerate that. And the blethering awkwardness with the waitress shows it to be a problem in him, he doesn’t see young women as actual people.

I would have zero respect for him.