How do I cope with grieving husband

[Dorismargaret]

My husband is 32, I'm 34, been together 10 years have 2 sons. My husbands dad died in September. His mother died when he was 4. His Dad didn't remarry, so for a long time they were all each other had.

My husband is grieving. He is so irritable particularly with me and with the cleanliness of the house.

It's getting me down, I feel like he's bringing out the worst in me as I get flustered around him as I know he's going to find me annoying.

He's thrown himself into exercise to try to cope with the grief but he still so irritable.

I don't know how to handle this.
I want to be understanding to him but also don't want to let him grind me down.

I'm always available and willing to listen to him, he does talk openly about how he's feeling to me but expects me to do a lot of reassuring like telling him everything is going to be OK. But that just doesn't come naturally to me. I feel like it's important to get in touch with those uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to avoid them which I feel reassurance does.

He says he's not ready for counselling.

Any support is appreciated.

I lost my Dad around then and my Father-in-law in the last couple of years so I understand some of what he and youmight be going through. It’s peaks and troughs of sadness and determination to try to force your way grief sometimes and it’s easier to get hung up on the more controllable aspects of life. You don’t have reassure him that everything is going to be all right because it isn’t he’s lost his Dad and he’s just got to find his way through his new life (now an orphan) it’s a massive thing. Just try to give him some space to not quite be himself for awhile. I found hugs/back rubs really comforting and often better with no words and yes therapy did help. I hope others might be able to help better as I’m still struggling sometimes

Unfortunately I don’t think there is any quick fix. He is young to have lost his only living parent. He will also be going through grief for his mum all over again too.

Therapy for him and possibly for you too. Lots of understanding that his grief will just be part of who he is from now on. Eventually it will become less prominent and there will be times he is doing amazingly, and times he will struggle. Encourage him to commit to therapy and whatever else helps him to cope.

You can't reassure him it will be okay because it isn't and life will never be the same for him again. I lost a parent 6 years ago but not at your husband's age but it made me realise that a lot of people have platitudes that are well meant but meaningless. Grief comes in waves, often when you least expect it, seeing a photo, hearing a song, going somewhere you know your parent liked, it. He and you both need to be kind to yourselves, he needs to take time to spoil himself. Just acknowledge you understand it is tough for him and what he is feeling is understandable. It does sound like he would benefit from some bereavement counselling which he should be able to get by contacting your local wellbeing service or via his GP. He should with time be able to cope better with the loss and it should be less prominent in his thoughts, but it took me 4-5 years before I felt less raw about it. I kept myself busy as a coping strategy, but that may not have been the best plan. The fact he is talking about it, could be good for him, but a strain on you. Try to give it time , it is early days

It's very tough for him ,as already said he is most likely grieving for his Mom too. Possible at the age of 4 he would not have processed that trauma properly so he is having too go through it all now. Does his dad have any siblings that he could spend time with over Christmas to chat about his Dad, maybe hear memories of their childhood. I found it so helpful to spend time with my dad's brothers after he died as they were very close and grieving too so very consoling for me. All l wanted to do was talk about him and anyone who allowed me space to do that was such a comfort to me.
Look after yourself, spend time with your own friends so your tank is full too.

I agree with everything everyone else has said, but...

He does have some responsibility to behave decently around you. If he can't be nice, he needs to remove himself from your presence and ask for some time away. And nitpicking about the cleanliness of the house isn't acceptable. Support your husband in his grieving, but also set some boundaries around the more unacceptable aspects of how his grief manifests and impacts on you. You matter too.

@pointythings

I agree with everything everyone else has said, but...

He does have some responsibility to behave decently around you. If he can't be nice, he needs to remove himself from your presence and ask for some time away. And nitpicking about the cleanliness of the house isn't acceptable. Support your husband in his grieving, but also set some boundaries around the more unacceptable aspects of how his grief manifests and impacts on you. You matter too.

This is absolutely what I was going to add to the good advice offered by other posters. You do absolutely matter too.

Are you aware of the Kubler-Ross grief curve op?

Important thing to remember is you are not the source of his irritation. He will be feeling anger, helplessness, regret, all sorts.

It's a good thing he is exercising.

It's not easy. It's still early days. Try to read up as much as you can on what he might be going through.