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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you tell me why he ghosted me after everything

25 replies

Alexastar23 · 21/12/2021 22:00

So I recently started talking to this man, we never had sex but we’ve kissed and just very touchy with each other and also dirty talk on text. Now he’s just ignored me and ghosted me after he was the one to initiate everything. I want him to start chasing me again like he used to but I don’t know what to do to do that. And I want to know why he’s just ignored and ghosted me

OP posts:

Haggisfish3 · 21/12/2021 22:01

He’s attached? Found someone else? Probably all about the thrill of the chase. Sorry. It’s shit.

TooBigForMyBoots · 21/12/2021 22:02

He's not emotionally available or he's married.

DSGR · 21/12/2021 22:03

He’s found somebody else or already in a relationship? He wanted a quick shag and that was it and he’s loved on to find one?
Don’t give him a second thought. Move on yourself

DSGR · 21/12/2021 22:03

*moved on

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 21/12/2021 22:05

@Haggisfish3 what do you mean by he’s attached?

OP posts:

Christmascakecakecheese · 21/12/2021 22:10

Attached means married or has a partner.

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 21/12/2021 22:16

And the thing is I have to see him again not by choice as we go to uni together and I don’t know how to go about things, or how to act, I don’t want to talk to him about it or anything but I just want him to know not to think about touching me or flirting

OP posts:

JorisBonson · 21/12/2021 22:16

Because he's a dick?

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/12/2021 22:22

It’s shit but try not to think about it too much. Get back out there and meet someone better!

I’m not sure men (or indeed women) even understand why they do these things sometimes, so trying to figure it out in no evidence is wasted energy, sadly.

thefourgp · 21/12/2021 22:25

No one on here can tell you why. He’s ghosted you so obviously hates confrontation and isn’t going to tell you either. It sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it. Just gotta move on and never give him another chance to do it again.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2021 00:41

The "why" doesn't even matter. Ignore and move on.

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2021 00:50

Because he’s a player.

Forget this one.

Some advice for the next one: don’t do dirty talk by text until you’ve been on some proper dates and it looks as if he might like you as a person rather than just a wank aid.

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 00:52

A good rule is, the more intense/boundary crossing it is from the start, the more likely it is to be utter bullshit. So that exciting intensity is a sign you’re being played I’m afraid.

Real connection is different. And so, so much better.

Forget this jerk.

arcof · 22/12/2021 01:10

It happens. Best thing you can do is be all breezy and nonchalant when you see him. Be grateful he fucked off now before you got more involved. No need for any more thought about him.

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 22/12/2021 02:22

@arcof yess this is exactly how I aim to be whenever I see him again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 22/12/2021 02:23

@QuestionNumberOne you’re absolutely right, I just genuinely thought he liked me

OP posts:

Slythermum · 22/12/2021 03:00

[quote Alexastar23]@QuestionNumberOne you’re absolutely right, I just genuinely thought he liked me[/quote]
It's not about you. Even though it feels personal. If he's the type to ghost, he's not a keeper for anyone.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/12/2021 04:13

My ex husband did this to women. Not to me, but to many women he messaged behind my back, this was a long side the ones he was shagging.

There was a hierarchy. Me, his wife, the love of his life. Weirdly I do believe him when he says I am/was the love of his life, but then his definition of love is very different to mine. It was love as far as he could understand it.

Then there were the OWomen. They were good for a shag and a bit of fun as long as they knew the rules...that he wasnt leaving me and there was no future in it. There were a surprising number of them.

And then the ones who were good for some dirty texting for him to have a wank over and then drop.

Having talked to friends of both sexes, this seems to be a more and more common thing. Basically men like this see it as interactive porn that is cheaper than paying for a webcam girl.

I'm sorry. Next time I would suggest that you stay away from that side of things until you are in a committed relationship if that is what you want. Dont give the players a chance. You are worth waiting for and anyone who wont wait is not worth a seconds thought from you.

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 22/12/2021 08:41

I just feel like I maybe give off this vibe to men that they don’t take me seriously or I’m just a pushover 🙁

OP posts:

supercali77 · 22/12/2021 10:08

Mens behaviour isn't on you. Its hard to know who a person is until a bit of time has passed and then...yeah you can see ghosting and other behaviours that show they weren't in it the way you were, that maybe there are other women, that they struggle with conflict and communication. And these are all red flags. This is actually the part where you show that you aren't a push over. If he comes back after ignoring texts you dont take him back. No replies to 'how you doing' at half past midnight etc

Suprima · 22/12/2021 10:09

@Alexastar23

Because he didn’t really like you, and believed you were only good for sexting and fumbling.

He’s not going to chase you because he got what he wanted and now he is bored.

Suprima · 22/12/2021 10:11

@Alexastar23

I just feel like I maybe give off this vibe to men that they don’t take me seriously or I’m just a pushover 🙁

You are giving off this vibe to men by entertaining sexual activity with men who you are ‘just talking with’

Did this man take you on a date?
Was he kind to you?
Did he introduce you to his friends?
Did he do anything thoughtful for you?

He didn’t- but you still entertained his advances and allowed him to use you for wank fodder.

Shut these creeps down and you will no longer be giving off the vibe that you are a pushover who can be used.

Gildedbrooks · 22/12/2021 10:17

@Alexastar23

I just feel like I maybe give off this vibe to men that they don’t take me seriously or I’m just a pushover 🙁

Dirty texting relative strangers won't help with that.

QuestionNumberOne · 22/12/2021 10:52

Yes OP, it’s a learning curve, it’s not about the vibe you give off it’s about your boundaries and what you do - and you can change that now.

As you get older you get better at spotting creeps like this but really it’s more about learning what to do. Not get sucked in too early, having a healthy, amused scepticism, waiting to see how people act, getting to know men a bit first.

Of course if you want casual sex and flings then there is nothing wrong with brief encounters at all - that’s great too if it’s what you want. But if it isn’t, and leaves you feeling used and hurt, then don’t do it. You’re in charge of your life.

Don’t beat yourself up or make this about you - you’re awesome, and you’re learning to protect yourself while you get out there and have fun.

Original poster

Alexastar23 · 22/12/2021 16:18

Thank you guys you have really helped open up my eyes to what has actually happened, whenever I see him again I will just act nonchalant

OP posts:

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