Any alternatives to 2 homes?

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 2021-12-21T21:18:56+00:00

So, husband and I have decided we are going to separate. Our day to day routine works really well with both of us managing time with the children, work, their clubs and our hobbies. BUT, we are getting to the point where we really need our own space. Just out of interest, has anyone tried anything other than a second home? We would struggle financially if he moved out and I still feel wretched for the children but we want this to be as amicable as possible. I am interested in considering other options that people have tried, no matter how different they may be. Thanks in advance! X

GoodnightGrandma · 21/12/2021 21:31

Can you have your own bedroom and living room in the same house ?
You’d have to decide what you’re going to do if either of you got a partner.

Mumof3confused · 21/12/2021 23:22

Have you thought about nesting?

pastypirate · 21/12/2021 23:37

I know an ex couple who maintain the family home but swap in and out. They have a small flat in the city and take turns caring for the dc. They have done it for years. The kids seem to be thriving. I don't know them that well but I assume to downsides are around privacy. One of them at least has a partner.

Original poster

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 22/12/2021 06:58

@Mumof3confused

Have you thought about nesting?

Never heard of it, what is nesting? Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

Original poster

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 22/12/2021 07:00

@pastypirate

I know an ex couple who maintain the family home but swap in and out. They have a small flat in the city and take turns caring for the dc. They have done it for years. The kids seem to be thriving. I don't know them that well but I assume to downsides are around privacy. One of them at least has a partner.

Thank you. That is certainly an option. I guess the amount of effort would be more than if we had our own place but we're willing to try. X

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/12/2021 07:01

Nesting sod that.
Yes you do need two separate places divorce means you shouldn't have to put up with your ex husband all the time and you need your own life.

SarahBellam · 22/12/2021 07:07

Would your house withstand being converted or partially converted into two quasi flats - we nearly went down this route and still might once covid is over and we have a bit more brain space.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/12/2021 07:17

@pastypirate

I know an ex couple who maintain the family home but swap in and out. They have a small flat in the city and take turns caring for the dc. They have done it for years. The kids seem to be thriving. I don't know them that well but I assume to downsides are around privacy. One of them at least has a partner.

This is nesting OP. DC live in family home, parents take turns being with DC in the home. They get one flat to share or a flat each in a friends case. It requires parents who are very amicable, can communicate well and are happy to share space post divorce. I love this idea, but Stbxh would do zero housework, no DIYA and I'd feel resentful everytime I came back to the house because Stbxh would have left it a mess. There'd no mental space from him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/12/2021 10:56

The problem with nesting, as I can see it is that you or your ex don't really have anywhere to call 'home'. Do you bring your belongings back and forth from flat to family house when it's your 'turn'? What if going forwards, one of you meets someone else? Do they never get to be part of your life with the children or would you be happy with your ex's partner potentially spending time in the family home too? Would it be the same bedroom/bed you both use?

I am going through divorce at the moment, although have been separated for 4 years and two homes is never what you want for your kids but mine were 10 and 11 when we separated and they adapted really well. Their dad doesn't live far away and we made and kept to a routine of who they were with and when. I think 'home' will always be with me and I am their mum, primary care giver and have stayed in the family home, but their dad's is their second home and they are comfortable there. neither of us has moved anyone else in since though, which I think has helped with their stability, even though we both have partners.

isthismylifenow · 22/12/2021 11:27

I can't really help with a long term situation, but my ex and I lived in the same house for a while during the seperation. We thought it best for the DC as it was over a holiday time and also funds were a bit limited.

Only after he did finally move out did I realise what tension we had all been living with. The DC just as much. It was confusing as we weren't together but acting like happy families. They kept thinking we'd get back together, and it affected my dd really badly.

And it is difficult to move on whist attempting to keep everything the same for the DC. As you know, a marriage breakup isn't something that you just wake up and accept. It takes time to work through feelings etc. You need this, as much as the DC need to process it too.

Sorry that I can't help with advice re living situations, but a lot of the time people get divorced hoping to keep things amicable. We did, but rarely it works out that way.

Good luck OP.

Huy456 · 22/12/2021 11:30

I think nesting is a great idea and wonder if it might actually save a lot of marriages. I'd get a cleaner in at switchover so no arguing. And to those who wouldn't consider it, then why would you make children do the same?

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/12/2021 11:47

I guess I don't know many families who could afford to keep the family home plus another property each for each parent when not in the family home. How can you ever move on from your ex partner if you share all your living accommodations (if having one family home and one other property for the rest of the time for both of you). Where would your privacy be?

I don't think having 2 homes is the issue for children in itself, it's more how it is managed and how the relationship between parents is managed that potentially causes harm. My ex had an affair and broke my heart but we have kept things amicable for the children. If I had to share space permanently with him however (even if he wasn't physically there at the same time), I would not be happy or amicable and that would be harmful to our children.

BlibBlabBlob · 22/12/2021 12:46

My gut feeling on this is that two separate homes are best for you and STBXH but whichever one of you is going to have the bulk of the care stays in the marital home with the kids. Then they still have one HOME but of course will hopefully also go to visit the non-resident parent at their new property.

I'm autistic so maybe it's something that freaks me out more than others, but the thought of not having one single place that I call home is so upsetting. I can't imagine I would have coped any better as a child, either. While I admire the intent behind 50/50ish shared care arrangements, I honestly don't think it's best for the kids. They have two homes, two bedrooms, two sets of everything or need to constantly transport belongings between homes. Which to some might sound lovely but to me sounds like being rootless. In this situation, where exactly is 'home'? Don't kids spend lots of time finding that something they want/need is at their other parental house?

My DNs are in this arrangement and have been for a long time, they do seem fine to be fair but I guess it's their normal. However they literally can't answer the question about where 'home' is: they are either staying at mum's house or staying at dad's house. It just makes me feel sad. DH and I have had many discussions already about what would happen if we split (not planning on it, but we've talked about it just in case because we're odd like that). I would stay here in the family home. DD would stay here with me. She'd be free to see her dad whenever and for as long as she liked, including staying overnight, but 'home' remains here where she has always lived and with me (because I am and always have been the primary carer).

Although of course that's easy to say when it's not actually happening, maybe I'd feel totally different or maybe he would if we actually split. So perhaps don't pay any attention to my ramblings.

TheXmasSkyRemote · 22/12/2021 12:49

I think nesting is good in principle. Until you want to start seeing other people. The idea of having sex with my new partner in the same bed where my ex-husband has sex with his new partner is not one that appeals to me.

gogohm · 22/12/2021 12:56

We lived together for quite a while but eventually he moved out, then I decided to relocate (I met someone) so he had the house. Currently selling as kids now finishing university

housemaus · 22/12/2021 13:32

The parents of a friend of mine bought two adjoined semi-detatched houses - so they owned the whole chunk of house, if you see what I mean, and had a side each.

Kids (3 of them) had a bedroom each, which was better than having had to share at each parents' house (as a 4 bed would have been unaffordable for each parent individually).

Obviously this is logistically difficult (finding two adjoined semi-detached houses for sale close together time-wise) and requires a relatively good relationship, as you'll live next door to your ex, but it worked well for them!

Could you do something similar - 2 homes on the same street, or very close together, and have a relaxed policy of going back and forth between the two?

Huy456 · 22/12/2021 13:34

Why not try the nesting with a 6 month lease on a 1 bed to see what works

Justkeeppedaling · 22/12/2021 13:36

The problem with nesting, as I can see it is that you or your ex don't really have anywhere to call 'home'. Do you bring your belongings back and forth from flat to family house when it's your 'turn'?

This is probably how children feel when they have to swap between parents homes every few days.

housemaus · 22/12/2021 13:36

@housemaus

The parents of a friend of mine bought two adjoined semi-detatched houses - so they owned the whole chunk of house, if you see what I mean, and had a side each.

Kids (3 of them) had a bedroom each, which was better than having had to share at each parents' house (as a 4 bed would have been unaffordable for each parent individually).

Obviously this is logistically difficult (finding two adjoined semi-detached houses for sale close together time-wise) and requires a relatively good relationship, as you'll live next door to your ex, but it worked well for them!

Could you do something similar - 2 homes on the same street, or very close together, and have a relaxed policy of going back and forth between the two?

Apologies, just seen that finances are an issue so this might not be doable. Depending on how close together they were, you could get much smaller homes than you'd otherwise want to make it cheaper, though, as the kids could go back and forth easily (and therefore have a bedroom at one or the other without it being a problem).

Mumof3confused · 22/12/2021 13:41

I think nesting is not a clean break as such if you are also sharing a second property. You could each perhaps stay with family on your week ‘off’ as another option. A friend is currently doing this and renting a room via Airbnb when she’s out of the house. Possibly would only work as a temporary solution though.

ShippingNews · 22/12/2021 13:56

I wouldn't want the "nesting" option. You still have to maintain 2 homes, and neither of them is your home. You just flit between them. If I had done that, I'd have found myself doing a big clean every time because he was very casual about that sort of thing. And when one of you gets another partner, how does that work ? No it's all too complicated unless you are wealthy and can afford two homes with your own bedrooms , etc in each home, and a cleaner .

Honestly you're better off with each going their separate ways, with your own places . One or both of you will want to find a new partner or at least to be seeing people, so you need your own space. And no matter how amicable you are now, it won't last. My lawyer told me that exH and I were the most amicable couple he'd ever met, but now a few years down the track I can't stand him. The idea of sharing with him still, would drive me insane.

Make the break and start the next chapter in your life - don't hang on to the past, it never works.

Gloriagayn · 22/12/2021 14:41

I don’t think many new partners would be keen on that either. Clean break is best and if going to get another property I don’t see the point anyway. You might as well just live in different houses. All kids are bothered about is having lots of contact and not being pushed aside by new partners. When they become teens they pretty much decide where and with whom they want to stay anyway.

Itsnotdeep · 22/12/2021 15:05

My ex suggested the nesting option. It would have been awful - I would never have had my own home and room. I would have gone to the flat every other week (or whatever) and had to deal with his standards of cleanliness and come back to the house to deal with his standards of cleanliness. An empty fridge, unwashed clothes. He'd have still left all the mental load to me, all the dentist appointments, clothes buying and hair cuts. I'd have still dealt with his crap menu planning. I'd have still had to deal with him in my day to day life.

Clean break is best.

Huy456 · 22/12/2021 16:34

There's no such thing as a 'clean break ' when you have kids.