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Relationships

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Original poster

17 and 21, should I be concerned?

15 replies

Blobbyfish54 · 21/12/2021 17:39

My sister (who's 17) recently confided in me that for the past year she's been in a relationship that I didn't know about. I didn't think much of it until she told me that the guy in question is 21, apparently they met back when she was 16 and he was 20 and things went from there.

My sister is a bit of a vulnerable person due to various mental health issues that she has and as her legal guardian I'm quite protective over her. Apparently the guy in question is also slightly vulnerable and has autism.

From what she's said he seems like a reasonable guy, she's supposedly happy with him and claims that he hasn't taken advantage of her or mistreated her in any way. I'm just wondering if I should be concerned over the age gap? I know this doesn't apply to everyone but you do hear some sad stories about how age gap relationships with a power imbalance have led to the younger person being hurt and taken advantage of.

I don't want to risk pushing her away by freaking out and getting anxious over all this, so I'd really appreciate some advice on how to handle this.

OP posts:

ExpectoPresentsOnCrimbo25 · 21/12/2021 17:43

Hi @Blobbyfish54

Have you met the guy in question? And do you know why your sister kept the relationship from you for a year?

Original poster

Blobbyfish54 · 21/12/2021 17:49

I haven't met the guy yet but I plan on asking her to bring him over so that I can get a feel for what he's like. She's quite a secretive person in general so I imagine that's why she didn't tell me, I did try to remind her after she told me that it would make things much easier if she confided in me more often.

OP posts:

KeyLimeFly · 21/12/2021 17:54

I don’t think the age gap is especially worrying. (DH and I met when I was 18 and he was 22 for example). Especially as he might seem a bit younger having autism. Odd that it’s been secret for a year but you seem to suggest that it’s fairly normal for your sister.

ExpectoPresentsOnCrimbo25 · 21/12/2021 17:58

I think you are doing the right thing planning to meet him soon. And as long as you're encouraging your sister to confide in you, that's all you can do really. She might of been worried about your reaction to the age gap.
I understand why you're worried due to her being vunerable aswell so just keep all lines of communication open with your sister and once you get to meet him you can see what he's like. I wouldn't stress over it though for the time being. Just keep encouraging her to confide in you and be there for her.

littlemisslozza · 21/12/2021 18:03

The age gap wouldn't worry me too much(I got together with my DH when I was 17 and he was 22, we're now in our forties). The fact she is generally vulnerable would though, regardless of how old her bf is. If he is autistic then is is potentially more vulnerable too. If the bf was in his late twenties or older I'd be more concerned about the difference in age.

Momijin · 21/12/2021 18:06

That age gap wouldn't worry me.

Ozanj · 21/12/2021 18:09

That age gap would worry me because it seems your ds’ vulnerabilities make her younger than she is. It would be really easy for an older man to manipulate a girl with SEN - all I suggest is meet him to try and find out more. In this case I’d worry more about the age gap if he was far more highly functioning than her.

Treacletoots · 21/12/2021 19:14

I'd be concerned. I met my first boyfriend aged 16 (I looked about 14) and he was 20. 8 years later he was arrested for indecent images, yes you guessed it. During that time he was controlling, abusive and gaslighted me constantly. He was NOT a decent man and at the very least chose someone he could control.

I'm sure not ALL 20 year old men are the same but I do think it's leaning towards inappropriate tendancies.

My parents did nothing to protect me. Be the person your sister needs to look out for her.

tunainatin · 21/12/2021 19:19

At that age I was in a relationship with the same age gap. I think it entirely depends on the guy. The person I was with didn't take account of the age gap, and treated me pretty awfully. Because I was young and in love I didn't understand how bad it was at the time.

Original poster

Blobbyfish54 · 21/12/2021 19:40

@Ozanj

I think I may have put that across wrong regarding her vulnerabilities. She's quite independent for her age, her mental issues are mainly around depression and trauma but I can see where you're coming from.

If he's Autistic then I doubt he's some sort of manipulative predator, I want to meet this guy first before making any judgments.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blobbyfish54 · 21/12/2021 19:50

@Treacletoots

I'm sure not ALL 20 year old men are the same but I do think it's leaning towards inappropriate tendancies.

My parents did nothing to protect me. Be the person your sister needs to look out for her.

I can see where you're coming from because you obviously had a very bad experience in a similar situation, I have asked her about him and she hasn't raised any points of concern or anything that stands out as a red flag, I'll find out for myself when I meet him but she seems to think he's a nice caring guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blobbyfish54 · 21/12/2021 19:53

@KeyLimeFly

I have been wondering if the autism is a factor in this and yes it's fairly normal for her to keep her personal life to herself unless something has really been getting her down. She said that she chose to tell me about this relationship because hiding it from me was making her feel guilty, I just tried to reassure her that she's got nothing to feel guilty about but that I wish she'd told me sooner.

OP posts:

AutumnWinterSpring · 22/12/2021 17:48

The secrecy would concern me and the timing… was she really 15? It’s a bit peculiar for a man of that age want to date a younger girl IMO.

Meeting him is great idea.

gogohm · 22/12/2021 17:52

I wouldn't be overly concerned, but I would suggest talking to her to resume her she can tell you anything and if there's issues in the relationship to confide in you

Original poster

Blobbyfish54 · 22/12/2021 19:28

@AutumnWinterSpring

The secrecy would concern me and the timing… was she really 15? It’s a bit peculiar for a man of that age want to date a younger girl IMO.

Meeting him is great idea.

If she's telling me the truth about when they started talking/dating then she was 16 when it started. I have no proof to contradict that so I'll just have to believe her unless I learn otherwise.

She is a bit of a secretive person, not just when it comes to relationships but in general so I guess it's not totally out of the ordinary that she didn't mention it sooner.

OP posts:

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