Boyfriend to Christmas dinner

[gregs1974]

First off, I wiped my mn account and all passwords so I've created a new one this morning so this is my first new post.
I'm a regular user with a particular interest in property/ DIY, divorce/ separation and relationships due to my family dynamic.
I would like your opinion please in a dilemma that my close friends would be biased about.

I am divorced and in a relationship OF 18 months.

We are very very happy and see each other eow but a little more lately as there has been upheaval in boyfriends work/ living areangements.

My children really like him and it's mutual although they don't see him very often as I don't want to blend or cross over that line.

With my kids blessing, I have asked boyfriend over for Christmas evening dinner and exchange of gifts.
He accepted and we have all looked forward to our day.
Kids will see Dad on Christmas morning for a few hours and then we will spend time with my family. My boyfriend has also been invited and will join us for an hour.
Boyfriend will come to ours with us for dinner.

These are new traditions beginning this year as kids are older now..18/14/11, and their Dad is in a long term relationship with his affair partner and for the last few years, has spent his Christmas either clock watching or arguing with his partner on the phone while with us, so that's not fair on the kids.

Here is my dilemma.. my preteen when in a temper can be aggressive and upset and shouty and insulting towards me.
This stems from a diagnosis of separation anxiety but he is improving with different therapies.

Last night, in a fit of temper he said that my boyfriend is not coming to ours for Christmas dinner and that's that!

He hates him/ he hates me/ I'm the worst mother/ no wonder dad had an affair.... and the insults continue in that vein.
I'm used to these and have been given strategies to deal with him.

He knows deep down that Dad really doesn't want to spend Christmas with us and finds that hard.

Should I change all out family plans for the day despite my other kids really looking forward to them, to keep the peace of what do I do ?

Just explain to your son that you can't uninvited someone to dinner, it's not socially acceptable. It's all part of teaching our kids how to behave as adults.

Tell him santa won't be coming if he doesn't button it.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe thanks. I feel guilty having boyfriend there because I don't know if this was a tantrum because we had a disagreement and it was intenemded to hurt or if he really doesn't want him there. He went shopping for his gift at the weekend and couldn't wait to give it to him. I'm confused about it all and don't want to add to my child's anxiety.

He often will say the most hurtful words if something specific is happening in our lives , always intended to hurt very
Much but coming from a place of sadness and anger. He then apologizes after minutes, expecting that we will hug and all will be forgotten.

Poor kid. So much hurt.
I'd stick with your plans. Because none of this is really about your DP. All those insults hurled at you are so obviously and touchingly how he feels about himself deep down - whether his dad left because of him etc.
Hell be hurt and emotional whether your DP is there or not - so he may as well be as a support to you.
Warn your partner. This year hell have to suck up some antagonism because this kid is hurting and his dad is an arse.
You can't make up for a dad looking
To scamper off ASAP. But it can't harm to make sure you verbalise repeatedly how much it means to you to have him there.
Cheesey photos in front of the tree. Etc

So nobody would disinvite boyfriend???

I wouldn’t uninvite based on what you’ve said; if he genuinely didn’t feel comfortable then ok but it sounds like it was said in the heat of emotions and designed to try and control things which isn’t right

He said it in a fit of temper.
I think he feels conflicted that his Dad won't be there and would have been there up to this year despite k owing in his heart that his dad is happy to visit for a couple of hours and then leave.
It's complex as Dad is under a lot of pressure to be with his own partner as she gets angry with him when he is with his kids or at our home for any reason , other than he with her . His mood subsequently changes and the kids begin walking on eggshells around him then. It's very complicated.
My child acts confused.

Can you reorganise so that the kids go over to Dad's for a few hours?

No I'm afraid not.
The kids arent allowed to his house while his partner is there. She doesn't want to meet our kids.

I'd say the biggest things your child needs from you are consistency, security, predictability (none of which he gets from his father). So, you've said boyfriend is coming therefore he's coming. Your son doesn't have the (frightening for him) power to change that. Use your given strategies to deal with the insults. It sounds like your son is a) trying to push you away to see if you'll leave him like his dad did and b) trying to be "in control" of the situation. Therefore demonstrate that a) you won't leave and b) actually YOU are the adult in charge and he doesn't need to do that. (I'm aware I'm probably teaching you to suck eggs here!)

I wouldn't uninvite partner either. possibly warn your partner though in case your DS kicks off, so he'll have an idea what its all over.

What I would do is try and sit with DS and have a little chat. Let him know you understand its confusing and not an ideal situation with parents splitting up but there is nothing that can be done to change it. Parents seperate and its absolutely nothing to do with him, its just people grow apart etc etc. That you understand he gets angry sometimes.

That you love him regardless and always will, more than anything. But you can't have him behave so disrespectfully towards your partner who has done nothing wrong. Tell him DP was really really looking forward to spending time with him over christmas.

It must be so hard to realise his own father doesn't want to spend time with him on xmas, but perhaps if he sees that your partner does, he may accept him in little by little.

Good luck, OP. But still invite your partner. however hurt your little ds is, he is old enough to realise that he can't treat people badly just because he's hurting.

@gregs1974

No I'm afraid not. The kids arent allowed to his house while his partner is there. She doesn't want to meet our kids.

Wow. Really? No wonder he feels so confused. His dads partner wants nothing to do with him! To the point he can't even go to his dads house?

It does sound like hes testing you. he is rightly on the defensive.
He needs to know someone is in control, and that someone should be you.

Perhaps him seeing how much your partner and you want to spend xmas with him will help him, he must be feeling a bit abandoned by his own father to be honest.

Imo pandering to your ds won't solve anything really. Tell ds he is polite to your bf or he can sulk in his room. You are entitled to have bf there as planned. Would ds appreciate you being rude to his guest?

@gregs1974

He said it in a fit of temper. I think he feels conflicted that his Dad won't be there and would have been there up to this year despite k owing in his heart that his dad is happy to visit for a couple of hours and then leave. It's complex as Dad is under a lot of pressure to be with his own partner as she gets angry with him when he is with his kids or at our home for any reason , other than he with her . His mood subsequently changes and the kids begin walking on eggshells around him then. It's very complicated. My child acts confused.

How vile is she denying a Father Time with his kids at Christmas when she is 50% of reason he doesn't live with them anymore.

I take the kids don't go around there as she sounds hostile/unwelcoming.

She also seems very insecure;I'd say the wanting to know where he is all the time suggests she doesn't trust him but then again what do you expect when you shack up with a man you know is capable of cheating.

Your new partner sounds lovely;remind your kids that you are entitled to move on with your life and they can't dictate who comes into the house you are paying for.You can't be held accountable for the fact their dad is shit.

The horrible things your teen was saying was because he was trying to get a rise out of you.

So your ex had an affair and now the OW won’t let your children visit him because she wants nothing to do with them? Of course they’re going to be messed up as a result, your ex is a fucking arsewipe as is the OW. Poor kids.

He is 11 so has some understanding of societal norms and I’d just explain that it’s rude and upsetting to disinvite someone from something as important as Christmas a few days before. He isn’t angry at you really, he’s quite rightly angry at his Dad but sadly you’re the fall guy.

Sorry but I would u invite bf, or at least tell him things may have changed but give him the heads up.

Make sure ds hears that you have uninvited him, that you're very sorry but ds comes first and always will etc, then allow the ds the opportunity to reverse his decision. He keeps control, it's reinforcing that he is loved and isn't on a back-burner again, but also that actions have consequences

And I say this after successfully merging 2 families with kids on both sides, with ex's partner also having kids etc.

If you pander to this tantrum, that’s not about your partner at all, and he may have already forgotten, you give your son and his outbursts too much power. That could be scary for him, even if he seems happy.

I’d carry on as planned. Warn your partner in case there’s further drama. But don’t let these outbursts run your lives, that’s not okay for anyone.

Stick with your plans. It is probably feelings of rejection stemming from his useless father and his awful partner.

But he needs to also learn that he cannot just say hurtful things and then apologise minutes later and expect all to be forgiven. One of the most powerful things I did for a child who did this, was when they came and apologised was to say thank you for the apology but explain that actually what they said was really hurtful and that I wasn't ready to accept the apology yet or have them back in the room. It really made them do a double take and consider how hurtful they were being. After a while I went and explained that sorry doesn't always make it instantly better, you can't take back words and just because you are sorry doesn't mean the other person is ok. There was a vast improvement after that.

Keep things as they are.
You're the parent and in charge.
Being stable and sticking to your word is reassuring to your children.

Your children will eventually process their dad is a knob and it has nothing to do with them.

I wonder how your ex thinks his relationship with ow will pan out keeping her and dc apart? Obviously isn't his brain he is thinking with....

I wouldn’t reorganise. He said it in a fit of temper. He didn’t mean it. Just like he doesn’t actually hate you.

And I say that as a mother who lived apart from my boyfriend/partner/fiancé and now DH for 10+ years because we decided we were going to wait until my children were grown up and well settled into their own lives before moving in together/getting married (even though he was a great man, always got on well with them etc).

*What I would do is try and sit with DS and have a little chat. Let him know you understand its confusing and not an ideal situation with parents splitting up but there is nothing that can be done to change it. Parents seperate and its absolutely nothing to do with him, its just people grow apart etc etc. That you understand he gets angry sometimes.

That you love him regardless and always will, more than anything. But you can't have him behave so disrespectfully towards your partner who has done nothing wrong. Tell him DP was really really looking forward to spending time with him over christmas.*

As a co-parenting dad, this sounds spot on to me, maybe with added assurance that your DP isn't in any way looking to replace his dad.

I get where PPs are coming from saying to lay down the law, however I think you really have to understand where this is coming from - and that's a place of fear that his dad is abandoning him and your DP turning up only adds to that, so doubling down will only add to and do nothing to address those anxieties. Quite the contrary, by saying "not discussing this, just accept it" your only confirming his fears.

So yes, hold firm as he does have to learn boundaries and realise he can't control everything, however ensure he knows his concerns have been listened to and some assurance has been given.

Or the op's bf arrives and yoj show the normality of a decent relationship being a positive thing. Not one you where one person hides their dc away.