Crush

[Crushd]

I’ve developed a crush on someone at work - who I would now consider a friend and I genuinely thought it would come and it would go away. It’s been 8 plus months now and I really want it to go away.

We are both male and i’m in a relationship dgf and I thought we were really happy and actually i’ve read a lot about having a crush on someone doesnt really mean your current relationship is in a bad place.

I’ve always had relationships with women but have explored my sexuality before when younger. I’m now 31.

I’ve read its really normal to develop crushes and this guy and I are now quite good friends and have to spend quite a lot of time together with work ie just me n him in a meeting together for 2/3 hours. We also share a friendship group so there have been nights out and alcohol etc involved.

I really need some advice on how to get over the crush. We both clearly enjoy each others company but maintain professionalism at work. I’m careful with how I behave at work but our friendship group who dont work with us have made the odd comment like ‘he clearly likes you’ or ‘he told us that as he wanted to see what your reaction would be’.

I just need some advice. The main advice I can see online is distance but thats really difficult as like I said we have to work closely together. I really dont want my girlfriend to be hurt and want to get this out of my head so I can focus on her. I appreciate any advice.

Well what a turn of events.

I don't think crushes really work in a way whereby you can just choose to get over them. For me they've only really 'gone away' if I've removed the person from my life.

So if you're serious about getting over it, change jobs.

That being said, I'm nit sure hiw I wpuld feel to find out my bf liked a guy...could be kinda hot. Inmean, I don't know if I would see it in the same way as them liking another woman. Though I suspect some ppl would.

Also, like you said, a crush with someibe whilst in another relationship can happen. And is not a big deal.... unless you think you might act on it.

Could you broach the subject with your gf? Liking a guy, I mean. Never know, maybe she'd let you have a boyfriend too and you could be a thrupple xD but I suppose it would be more likely that she think you were confused and would be better off single to work it out...

I guess that could be the case too.
But the thing is, if you were sure you just wanted your gf...it would be a no brained to just change jobs...

*a no brainer

Thanks for your idea

Can you at least try and reduce the 1-1 time to turn down the intensity a bit? Maybe there's a junior or intern who would get some good experience from joining your meetings. Actually, do they need to be 2/3 hour meetings or has this expanded to allow chat/ digression to happen? Perhaps you could cut them down to an hour weekly and concentrate hard on operational stuff if so? I wouldn't worry about coming across as more abrupt if he is doing things like asking your mutual friends to try and elicit a reaction from you.

If it's really dragging, and sounds as though people are catching on and making unhelpful comments then I'm not sure you're hiding it as well as you think. The simplest solution may be to start looking around for another job or a move in your company. Appreciate that's not always easy as that to find.

Thanks a lot for the suggestions. I am trying to cut down the meetings with him but it looks odd as everyone else meets for similar times. It definitely feels quite intense at the moment. I’ve blocked his number so no more messages outside of work.

I dont think it is so much that i’m making it obvious but that he will say certain things as he has a very dry sense of humour. I am trying though as I really love my girlfriend.

My gf has picked up that there is a closeness between me and him which is why i’m trying to distance and get over this crush. She has said things like ‘u two seem just like each other’ etc and then will see my reaction.

Sorry I don't have helpful advice but I'm joining the conversation because I have a crush on someone and want it to go away. It's so ridiculous and inappropriate. I barely know this man. I don't want my crush to affect my relationship with my lovely husband and I'm also really scared of this other guy guessing I fancy him. You have my sympathy and I'll be interested to see what wisdom others come up with.

Only distance can break the thoughts/feelings.

I had a crush on someone once and the feelings were so strong I couldn’t focus on anything other than him.

He then abruptly left the office and that was that. The oxygen feeding the crush was gone and the crush died down. Whilst it was there though it was absolutely intoxicating.

Thank you and glad to see im not the only one.

We’re on Christmas holidays at the moment thankfully and although I got a couple of messages from him the other night when he was out with a girl. I havent heard anything since so fingers crossed I wont until we return and distance will help.

I guess it's useful to accept that these things are normal and as long as you don't act upon it there's nothing wrong. (In my case it would be very wrong for several reasons which you can guess). I just feel so ridiculous about it though, like a teenager.

Yes I completely feel the same. We went out at the weekend and there were lots of photos of us all together and I’ve been looking at the ones of me n him thinking ‘awww’. Feel just like a teenager! Hopefully it’ll pass soon. I’m feeling up all my time with things to keep me and my girlfriend busy.

I just want to say that if I was the gf I definitely wouldn’t find it hot, as a previous poster suggested. An emotional attachment to someone else is much more likely to hurt her than turn her on

Is there any way that you can divert the feelings into loving friendship feelings, or are you very sexually attracted to him? If it’s also sexual, have you considered whether your relationship with your gf can meet the attachment need that the crush is meeting? Is there a particular closeness in the crush relationship, or does it bring out an aspect of you that you don’t show in your partnership?

As a bi person, I hate it when people assume that I will be unfulfilled if I can’t have ‘both’. But, actually, could there be something about your sexuality that you haven’t finished exploring yet? Could this be the safe relationship with a man that enable you to explore it more, at least hypothetically?

I wish you luck with this because you sound sincere and I think you are doing your best to be responsible and kind.

Thank you @blinder I really am trying to make this go away.

I do think there are unexplored parts to my sexuality but I wouldnt want to put my girlfriend through anything negative by exploring them. There is a real chemistry with this man and I have thought if I was single and he was would I explore it and that is possible but right now its a no and I need to get over the crush.

Interesting thread. I have a crush on a married guy at work (I am also married!). I was a little overwhelmed by the strong feelings which I wasn't looking for. I was told I'm vile, disgusting, loony and selfish for thinking about this guy so a little stunned at the thruple suggestion! Maybe that's the route, ask DH to entertain another man .

Seriously though, I think your gf would be traumatised to think you are gay/bi and would question if the whole relationship was a lie. Only you can decide what you want - current relationship or this new one. It sounds like you want the current one, so I can only suggest keeping your distance from this guy to avoid temptation and cool the relationship.

Thanks again for the replies. I haven’t heard from him for a week other than drunken messages from him the other night. Been ages now definitely thinking distance helps. Have a lovely Christmas all.

Op i think you need to work on yourself here and decide what you want. You sound very confused about your sexuality. Could you be gay, do you think you're bi. Are you curious? You must be feeling very confused right now and maybe need some alone time to figure it all out?

Thanks for the message. I’m fairly sure im bisexual but who knows. I don’t really want to label it as it isn’t lots of guys just this one. I found myself distracted yesterday with my gfs family at Christmas and then was hoping he’d message me. He did just the standard ‘Have a gd Christmas’. I’m hoping the more distance the better and the feeling will keep reducing.