To end it or not? He tells me I'm the problem...

[Pavesi]

In desperate need of advice.

I feel like I'm stuck in the same spiral with my husband and I just can't get out of it.

He's so cold and insensitive, he can really upset me and then when I'm crying will call me a drama queen, a baby, or say I'm playing games.
I tell him I'm not and that he's hurting me but he tells me to stop and that I shouldn't show emotion.

Eventually things get resolved/swept under the rug and he's his usual affectionate self but doesn't really acknowledge how much he's hurt me or truly apologise. I get a half arsed "sorry that we both escalated yesterday" and that's about it.

If I ask him if he's bothered by how much he's hurt me, or I ask for an apology he just says he doesn't want to argue and that we should leave it.

It's infuriating and I feel like I don't matter to him.

I am aware that through him being cold, it ramps up my reaction as I'm trying to get him to understand, but then he gets nasty and we just miss the point where he could have said "sorry I messed up" had a little cuddle and all would be forgotten.

Is this how men are?
Do I need to bottle up my annoyances even if he's upset me?
How should I respond when he's so cold?

I hate arguing and I hate this situation we're in. It hurts me so deeply feeling like he just doesn't care.

Any words of wisdom or advice are welcome. I can't see anything but this fog at the minute...

It sounds as if you are both in a spiral. You need to get to the bottom of the problems you are experiencing and then stop with the role playing when it gets out of hand.

Firstly what are you arguing about ?

He is trying to make you as cold as him if it's not you then you should split assuming you don't have children?

People react to conflict/disagreements very differently. He seems to employ emotionless/logical approach. This actually has nothing to do with you, but you perceive it as him not caring about you. Which sets off an emotional overreaction on your side. And he further defends himself from your emotional outburst by staying firmly in emotion free zone. You then declare yourself hurt and expect an apology.
From where he is - it’s not clear why he needs to apologise when you created the emotions an hurt all by yourself.
You end up resenting him.

Over time this will get worse as you will keep adding to your long list of hurts and resentments. If you want to save this relationship - you BOTH need to look at yourself and each other; and try to understand how your partner communicates and what triggers what reaction.
You seem to have anxious attachment; he seems to be triggered when you become needy and emotional.
Have you considered relationship counselling?

I guess it depends what you're upset with him about.

The issue is no one is right or wrong. You're both different and not working well together. Instead of taking sides and trying to fix the other, just accept you're not the right fit. Like a pair of high heels when you need hiking boots.

@Theunamedcat

He is trying to make you as cold as him if it's not you then you should split assuming you don't have children?

They should split if they DO have children as this will not be a good environment for them to grow up in!!

@Pavesi. Yes, it does sound like you should split up'. No, not all men are like this. Set yourself free to find someone warm & loving.

What are the actual disagreements about?

There seems to be a set pattern that you recognise.

He fails to see that you are hurt and denies you your feelings, this is hard because you then wish to hurt him back.

Different ways of coping with emotions, some may argue that your emotional depth is greater than his, but I've found this lack of emotional depth usually coinsides with a selfish arse not wanting to see your point of view.

These types usually never 'see' the light in regards to being more responsive and reassuring, until the neglected one goes and they realise to late that they took the other for granted.

You could try couples councilling but I've a feeling he likes things just as they are.