Feeling down about always having awful relationships

[Pearly999]

My friend (27) got married this week to the love of her life, and although I am so so happy and excited for her I have looked back and reflected on my love life and feeling crap about it. I am 24 and have had 2 serious relationships, both ended in domestic violence and stalking after breaking up. Both needed police and refuge advice/support.

I am now in a new relationship which at first was loving/kind/gentle however now things are not going exactly his way he is always angry with me. Also he has started to put me down about my intelligence, claiming I’m lucky I am pretty etc. I already know the relationship will end.
I just feel awful and jealous that some people just get good and honest relationships strait away.

What was your upbringing like? Did you have a good relationship modelled to you as a child?

I didn't and I think it has doomed me to a life of rubbish relationships as I don't have a good template. You are really young and have plenty of time to turn it around. I'm nearly 45 so I think I've mostly missed out now.

Well, some people go for a type so end up with the same results.

What’s your type? (If it’s bad boy, then there’s your answer straight away)

Or it could be you have just been unlucky so far, your very young so have lots of chances and opportunities left.

I sympathise, OP. I'm similar- happy for friends when they manage to find mutua love, but my history of r-ships is pretty dire too - not violent like yours but all fell apart (and I@m MUCH older than you).

I'd say you have a chance to learb from your mistakes and have time to change your patterns, likely with the help of relationship coach or therapist as you obvoiusly choose the wrong (similar0 type of men. Usually to do with the pattern your parents set as a couple, or your own somewhat dysfunctional relationship with either of you parents.
You say the last one starte as loving and gentle - but can you see sdimilraties of his personality with previous ones?

It's hard though to break patterns, very hard, you need to start finding a totally different type of man attarctive. I've only started doing that in my 40s - but I haen't found that mutual match still.

Sorry for typos.

@Pearly999

My friend (27) got married this week to the love of her life, and although I am so so happy and excited for her I have looked back and reflected on my love life and feeling crap about it. I am 24 and have had 2 serious relationships, both ended in domestic violence and stalking after breaking up. Both needed police and refuge advice/support. I am now in a new relationship which at first was loving/kind/gentle however now things are not going exactly his way he is always angry with me. Also he has started to put me down about my intelligence, claiming I’m lucky I am pretty etc. I already know the relationship will end. I just feel awful and jealous that some people just get good and honest relationships strait away.

You are only 24. End this awful relationship. You have plenty of time to have fun before you settle with anyone. Stop thinking like this. Just have fun and one day the right one will come along and you will know.

At only 24, I would end your current relationship, stop dating and focus on developing a career, learning something new, hobbies, seeing more of the world, saving to buy a house of your own etc. Basically stop building an existence around a man and have one that's all your own. Then you will attract decent guys who want to be a part of your exciting life. Atm you're in a spiral of one bad relationship to another because you don't have enough time in between to recover and rebuild.

So stop all dating and just focus on you - when you know, understand and like yourself, then you'll automatically pick better men.

Have you considered having some counselling? It can help you to work out your patterns in relationships and why you might be going for a certain type of person who is not treating you well.

I would also say, at 24, you are very young. I was expecting this thread to be someone in their 30's or 40's. There is lots of time for you to meet someone lovely.

Congratulations you’ve taken the first step to better relationships… you’ve realised the current one isn’t a good relationship at a pretty early stage. That isn’t easy! Next step is to end the relationship. It’s a tough thing to do but in the long run having clear boundaries and taking decisive action when people cross those boundaries is one of the keys to healthy relationships.

You’re only 24 - plenty of time to sort this. But it does need to be sorted. The fact that you’ve already had 3 abusive relationships means there is something about the choices you’re making in terms of men which is letting you down. I don’t mean that as a victim blame thing but you’re the consistent factor here. You may currently be drawn to a particular type but of man, perhaps a bad boy type, and/or you’re not picking up on red flags early on in the relationship. Also, the dynamic of toxic/abusive relationships can be addictive. Perhaps you’re repeating what you saw modelled in your parents’ relationship.

The fact that these are your choices also gives you power because you can change the choices you make. You might find “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood helpful; perhaps also “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It may be worth therapy to help you start unpicking what’s going on and make different choices in relation to men. There’s plenty of time to change this but it requires positive action on your part. Also as others have said, stop dating for a while. 3 serious relationships by the age of 24 suggests you may not have spent enough time alone. My sister spent her 20s in back to back LTRs, all of which ended, and regretted not having spent more time single. Focus on yourself and creating your life as an independent adult and eradicating this pattern of choosing men who hurt you.

I feel the same OP. I have a track record of bad relationships, none of which have lasted more than 5 years. One was definitely emotionally abusive, but to be honest they’ve all been different so it’s definitely not that I go for a particular ‘type’.

I have now been seeing someone for about eight months and we’ve had done really lovely times but it feels like it’s all starting to fall apart at the seems. We had a small disagreement at the weekend over pretty much nothing, he was then sulky and miserable with me for the whole of the next day and eventually I lost it with him, which I’m not proud of!

I’m starting to feel that he’s very judgemental of me and overly critical, but he denys it saying I’m overreacting and taking it all the wrong way. I honestly think I’m very reasonable and level-headed and patient but he seems to find me quite difficult.

This always seems to be the route my relationships take and I can’t work out if it’s me or them. Feeling very demoralised 🙁

For all of those blaming OP for going for a 'type', I'm bisexual and have had bad relationships with men and women. It's not going for a type that's the problem, it's usually low self esteem often caused by childhood issues which sets your bar far too low.

Putting up with stuff that other people wouldn't leads to being stuck in poor relationships. I'm learning to raise my standards, spit red flags and walk away much more quickly.

If you don't know what a truly loving relationship feels like it's much harder to recognise the familiarity of being treated like shit as a bad thing.

*spot

Why the pressure on your self to be in a relationship?
That might be a big issue right there.
Are you overlooking issues that other people maybe wouldn't just for the sake of being with someone?
Be single, have fun, hobbies, travel and date with no strings.

If you meet someone you want to be with, date for months and don't move in etc. Be wary of warning signs and don't ignore them or your gut instincts.

And remember, a partner should make life better, if they don't, what's the point?