My fucking mother!

[Sonaftersonafterson]

Evening, hoping for a bit of insight here as my mum is driving me mad to the point I might end up exploding at her. Need perspective I think

She lives across the road and I care for her (partially disabled) but also a hermit, not social but happy to be with the family, my kids, who she sees every day, and me, for long periods of time. She is 70 and in ok health, divorced a long time ago. I say this to give a little info on her situation. Not alone, and never lacking attention or care.

But she is so fucking mystifying. Always making niggly annoying comments. Then when I react, acts surprised and I labelled as aggressive. Is it me????

Couple of examples
Me: "ahhh DS1 is bringing his new girlfriend here Saturday, she wants to meet me" (ds1 had specifically said to me that his gf wanted to meet ME).
Mum: "meet all of us you mean"
Me: " yes of course mum, all of us I was just saying it's nice she actually said it was me she was coming to meet, I like that she wants to come see me".
Mum; "well no one is going to lock me in with a gun to my head saying I cant meet her!".

What?

This was said with an air of it being a "joke", she always does this, even though I know it isn't a joke or meant with good humour. It's hard to describe.

Example 2...
Me: "have you seen my phone mum I cant find it?
Mum: "no cant help. Have you left it in the office"
Me; "didnt take it in there mum"
Mum "it's in your office. Dont check then as you are always right" (jokey tone, but said to wind me up)
Me "I didnt take it in there mum!!"
Mum " ooooo you're SO aggressive only trying to help"

It's like she says things she knows are antagonistic then acts baffled when, eventually, I bite.

What is this behaviour. I try so hard to ignore most of what she says and does (like banging around in the kitchen when the kids are asleep and when i ask her not to, "oh sod you I'm only trying to help". But she KNOWS once everyone's asleep, to just leave it and I'll do it tomorrow. But no, shes often here late which is totally fine with me but its stuff like this. I dont ask for help and I dont want noise at 10pm!

Argh I'm rambling... any thoughts would be helpful even if it's to say it's me. I'm in my 40s btw x

You sound as bad as each other tbh.

Oh god really. I don't see myself as passive aggressive but she definitely is!

Well in the first example you did kind of start it - it might be true but it’s not very inclusive thing to say.

I imagine she’s just bored though. If she can’t be persuaded to go out more can you spend less time with her?

Your both seeing too much of each other & gotten into niggly habits - you feeling got at by her & she prob thinking you don't listen to her. I was like this with my family I cared for - I stepped back a bit so I could go back to seeing other people & in turn giving my relatives other people to see too.
Just a suggestion - but a bit of space and some others seeing your Mom might help

I’m not sure why you even reacted to the first comment, you sound over sensitive tbh and escalated it.

The second example, again not sure why you reacted the way you did. It was a harmless comment from her that you escalated.

You won’t have her around for long @Sonaftersonafterson…. Get over it ffs, she’s ur mum and parents are meant to be annoying, loving, brutally honest esp at older years, when did people get so sensitive ffs… Change YOUR! perspective

This is nothing to be wound up over. You're in your 40s, act like it

What is this behaviour.

It's called bickering. Maybe take some time out from each other and cut down on your contact time.

I think they’re some particularly spiteful replies to you OP. Sometimes DM find it difficult when they’re not the centre of things …. Your DS girlfriend naturally wanted to met you, his Mother I don’t suppose she’d given much thought to meeting his GM . Your DM seems quite “put out” that she wasn’t automatically included in the meeting…a bit jealous in fact.

Maybe try and keep a bit of distance between the two of you. I’m sure you’re close to your DM, but she needs to gently know that she’s not the “head” of your family.

Sounds like you need some time away from each other. Do you see each other every day? Do you need to?

I could not have my mother across the road.

@grapewine

Sounds like you need some time away from each other. Do you see each other every day? Do you need to?

I could not have my mother across the road.

Totally this.

I appreciate you are helping her, but I think you need to set some boundaries , be a bit less available ; maybe she doesn’t see you every day unless it’s necessary for her disability? She sounds very invested in your life.
Is her disability such that she needs carers? If so a third party coming in may help both of you.

It does sound like 6 of one...familiarity breeds contempt and all that. I think you both sound passive aggressive and it's just the way it can go sometimes. You can recognise it in the other person but not yourself and that is a very human trait

Maybe your mum needs some outside help? Maybe a daily carer? It sounds like you both spend too much time together and need a break from each other.

Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. It sounds like you spend way too much time together – how often is she still at your house at 10pm? I I'd consider either cutting down time together or moving! How does your DH/DP cope with his MIL being over the road and always being round?

I know what you mean. My grandma is the same, she always says something negative even when she’s trying to say a compliment, and I really don’t know whether she does it on purpose or not. Example - my DD had just performed in a show, she’d auditioned for the lead and not got it. My grandma “well done DD, after watching that girl you definitely couldn’t have done the lead but you were great” I’ve also lost some weight receintly “oh look at you. You look so slim, are you ill. You’re pale as well”

Without being rude, she is not that bright and has no hobbies or interests and so I think she’s not a happy person so finds it difficult to be positive. Could the same be true for your mum?

The way I deal with my grandma is to answer things factually, e.g yes, I have lost weight. No I’m not ill, I feel great” and the more offensive ones I ask her outright why she said that. She usually backtracks when called out on it.

Nah, I don’t think it’s you. She’s bored, lonely, her world is you and your DCs, and she’s taking out all her frustrations and irritability and boredom etc on you.

She sounds like my mum

I suppose you could have expressed yourself a bit better in the first example. What you said came across as “she wants to meet MEEEE and only MEEEEE!”. What you really meant was “isn’t it lovely that my son’s girlfriend wants to meet her boyfriend’s mum? She must be a good sort. Or, maybe my son has said nice things about me and she wants to meet me now. Either way, isn’t that lovely?”.

I think you need to either let us wash off you or, if you can’t do that, see her less. Be less enmeshed. She’ll probably be a bit pass-ag about reduced hours, but just be honest with her and say “well you mostly have a go at me when we are together, so I’m just reducing the amount of grief I get. It’s no big deal. I’ll see you tomorrow”.

I am going to support you OP it is hard when you care for anyone for a length of time but an elderly parent can be very challenging.

I care for my Dad full time who has Dementia and sometimes he drives me absolutely crazy and I recognise that is his disease but it doesn't invalidate that sometimes your patience can be worn thin with it.

I do think that time away is necessary and also very strict boundaries. Although I get that it can be hard but particularly in the middle of a pandemic.

Unfortunately in the long run though, it will be you who has to learn to change the way you react and respond because you are not going to change your Mum. I am not sure of your situation financially or if you can get some support from any groups in your area. I talking about being able to speak to an expert who you can offload to but will give practical advice on how to deal with it.

The sad thing about elderly care is that the situation tends to decline and not get better and therefore, taking control of your mental health is very important.

Good luck I completely empathise with your situation.

Sounds like you're doing her head in equally, and she's sensitive to feeling sidelined or patronised.

Is she in pain from something or her health not being as good as normal? That always makes me find DP more irritating than usual, especially if he's not at his best for some reason.

The other thing could be although you described her as a hermit, perhaps she's missing small things such as occasional trips out to do stuff (I was ridiculously excited to go for a hospital appointment during lockdown as it was the first time I'd seen anything other than the same 4 walls, DP and the cats for months). So not people as much as something different to look at.

From what you've said, I really don't think it is you.

The person who said you are being immature, is wrong. Having to deal with that every day would drive anyone mad! She knows what she is doing, she is purposely trying to wind you up and get a reaction. My grandmother is similar and it's infuriating.

What nasty bitchy comments! What the he'll is the matter with some of you??

OP your mum sounds a bit prickly and difficult and you may want to sit her down to discuss it.

Some people on here just as bad!

@roseblushes

From what you've said, I really don't think it is you.

The person who said you are being immature, is wrong. Having to deal with that every day would drive anyone mad! She knows what she is doing, she is purposely trying to wind you up and get a reaction. My grandmother is similar and it's infuriating.

This.

Some really unpleasant replies at the top of the thread.

You see far too much of her.
She's in your home too much.

She knows exactly what she is doing.
She sounds extremely annoying.

This type of behaviour, if it was daily could lead to huge stress and depression for you.

The feeling of not being able to escape her passive aggressiveness.

I think you need to establish some boundaries.

She is not an easy person to be around and she is stressing you in your own home.

You do not owe her your health.

I think you should look into home help in HER home and take a step back BEFORE you explode or get sick.

Take action now so that your relationship doesn't become irreplaceably damaged.

I

The feeling of not being able to escape her passive aggressiveness

^ this. And I agree it can make you feel trapped/depressed and miserable.

Passive aggressiveness is just that - aggressiveness. But its aggression not being expressed openly. We all do it occasionally, but when someone is using it as a regular way of interacting, I think it can really wear us down emotionally.

I also think it is a way of "wrong-footing" us and perhaps as a way of dominating. We're made to feel we've done something "very wrong" - but its not clear even what it is as it seems so petty. E.g. I offered to get my mum some fish n' chips in (she likes them). "Oh" my mother replied sneerily "thank you very much, very generous of you I'm sure". It was just her playing Queen Bee. I think in that random moment she decided to have a dig at me for no particular reason and it was rude and unkind. A bit like your mother saying "you're always right!". If you object to her passive aggressiveness, you can't take a joke and she "can say nothing right"!

Its nearly always out of the blue and 'makes no sense' so you are confused at first - but IME you can easily hear the aggression and nastiness behind the words. My mother had some other worse behaviours as well (open abuse at times) so we don't speak anymore.

No particular advice on this. Except now you really "see" it, maybe it can help you deal with it perhaps? Play passive-aggressive "bingo" privately, and just laugh everytime she does it (that will unsettle her!). You can challenge it if you want too, but the outcome of that can be mixed to say the least (sometimes shuts them up, sometimes escalates it). Finally, can you lower contact and don't tell her much anythingabout your life? That might be difficult if you are effectively her 'carer' though. Maybe you can disentangle yourself from that role, though it seems quite entrenched? Billy 1966 often offers good advice on these kinds of things and I agree with her if you don't take certain actions these will take a toll on yourself, or your rltnshp with your mother might implode completely. Meanwhile, if you can afford it, a therapist to let off steam to about this might help ....