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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Isolated Life

18 replies

yulefuel · 20/12/2021 18:49

I live in a place where I have struggled to make friends. The few friends I have made have moved on or drifted away.

I've tried to be proactive - joined Zoom courses, done Zoom meetups with colleagues and friends who live far away, done online dating.

With the pandemic I am more isolated than ever. Luckily I enjoy my job which has kept me going but I am currently working from home.

I don't think I am going to get a single Christmas present this year.

With the pandemic I feel more stuck than ever. Anybody else feel like this?

OP posts:
Bettybantz · 20/12/2021 18:51

I’m pretty lonely too, but I do have my kids. Do you buy yourself Christmas presents? It’s nice to have some treats even if they are self sourced Flowers

FayCarew · 20/12/2021 18:59

Me too @yulefuel

Momijin · 20/12/2021 19:00

Treat yourself to nice xmas presents. Think of what in person hobbies or sports you would be interested in and look for some you can join. Also look for holidays for singles. You have to be proactive. I've moved a lot in my life and always made friends where I live. But I am very proactive and get out of my comfort zone to begin with.

In your shoes I would look at hobbies/sports as I said as well as being more sociable with my neighbours. Maybe organise an evening with some drinks? Drop them a note saying you'd love to get to know them and to come and join you for a few drinks. Or go round with a xmas card and introduce yourself and if you get chatting then suggest them coming over.

Anthurium · 20/12/2021 19:08

I was really lonely and isolated last year, it was quite horrendous actually. I did not want to welcome 2022 in the same manner with nothing having changed. In Feb this year aged 39, I decided to have a child on my own via IVF and a sperm donor; it was successful. I wanted a family of my own but was sick of dating. I'm no longer lonely however I'm still isolated.

yulefuel · 20/12/2021 20:15

Thanks for your replies.

I have treated myself to something. I have people I can visit to have a break when and if things get a bit better with the pandemic.

@Momijin - I have lived in this city for a few years. My neighbours are friendly enough but don't really want to go
beyond occasional chat. It's just that kind of villagey place.
@Anthurium - that's great that you took that step to have a child yourself.

OP posts:
Surmeslevres · 20/12/2021 23:06

My situation is very similar. There is a silent epidemic of loneliness out there.

Everyone loves to hate Liz Jones but I did admire her for writing about loneliness, It is a real taboo.

Keepitonthedownlow · 20/12/2021 23:11

Thinking of you OP, keep the thread up over Xmas and maybe we can cheer each other up Flowers

GregTheEgg · 20/12/2021 23:16

I feel you. I’m currently trying to find a new career path and it’s mainly focussed on how am I going to meet people? The job itself isn’t as important as what it’s going to bring to my life.

wishymore · 21/12/2021 00:36

I’m in the same boat. My job is really lonely. I want a new career where I can meet people and make contacts. Does anyone have any ideas? I thought about teaching but in a class alone with 30 kids all day doesn’t sound like a career to make lots of contacts.

yulefuel · 21/12/2021 06:39

@Keepitonthedownlow 

@wishymore - I don't know much about teaching but perhaps there might be opportunities to socialise with other staff?

OP posts:
yulefuel · 21/12/2021 06:40

@Keepitonthedownlow - ThanksCakeXmas Smile

OP posts:
LefttoherownDevizes · 21/12/2021 06:49

OP do you have any Faith? Genuinely not wishing to convert but Churches are not only a great place to come and be with and meet people (and a good one should have a proper welcoming system in place for newcomers) but will also run lots of events for you to either partake at or help at.

I suffer from depression so sometimes shut everyone out (and then feel worse as I'm lonely) but just coming and being alongside people is helpful, and a great low pressure way to meet others.

Your can look up local Churches online to finf one that seems to cater for a similar demographic to you, ours for example has quite a lot of young people and 20/30s adults in addition to old people obv

DH is a staunch Marxist atheist and is still involved as he believes in the community, and is happily accepted.

Totally understand if not for you

Xiaoxiong · 21/12/2021 06:56

I know a woman who was a civil servant - after two years working from home she has got a job as a boarding school matron (no experience needed, they trained her up) and loves it. Boarding schools are very sociable for the staff especially if they are teachers and have boarding duties only one or two evenings a week. Everyone lives on site, everyone has a reason to get to know each other, you can't WFH unless there's a full lockdown so you see people face to face. It's like living on an army base or a kibbutz or something.

Xiaoxiong · 21/12/2021 07:00

That was more for @wishymore than for you OP, I don't know if you're also considering a career change?

I know it sounds ridiculous but I have actually met some real friends on here - I joined a long running thread a decade(!!) ago and we have meet-ups in person now. Maybe get really active on Mumsnet and see where it leads! (Other forums are available but this one uses proper English Grin)

Antst · 21/12/2021 08:18

I'm in the same situation, but I'm fine with it.

My parents were very violent. My father is dead now from alcoholism and although I tried to have a relationship with my mother, I realized that although my sibling can do no wrong and she is always excited to get involved in his life, she fundamentally doesn't like me and complains about me. So I don't see her.

I have to move every few years for work. Although I thought I had great friends where I lived previously, they disappeared over the pandemic. Many have had children. Although other people who have moved away still seem to get invitations to Zoom calls and other events, a couple of us have been quietly dropped. It's pretty clear it's because I'm in a profession where I can't afford to participate in the expensive trips and restaurant meals the others enjoy. I made an effort to stay in touch but they don't seem interested and I have stopped trying. At any rate, I can't get past the fact that I only heard from a couple of them two or three times during the pandemic and only in texts a couple of lines long.

At work. people hated my boss and pushed him out and some don't include me because of my association with him. Also, I do calculations, which is new in the field, and unfortunately, some people have a problem with that. So although people are polite and I have made an effort to chat with those who have been at work for the past couple of years, I have never been included on Zoom social calls during the pandemic or been invited to events. And before the pandemic, I'd arrange events that other people came to, like dinners, trips to the pub, etc.

It probably sounds like I'm playing the victim and I don't mean to. I'm just one of those people who other people don't care about that much. I'm a size 18 and one thing I have noticed about the UK (I'm British but previously lived overseas since early childhood) is that women like me are not included. I feel like I look normal--no different to Princess Bea at her heaviest. No one has a problem with me. But also, no one wants me around, probably because that would affect their image. I'm not imagining this. An older woman who organized social events at one point told me to my face when I arrived that she arranged social events for the young, cool people (I'm 44).

I'm social, anyone who met me would say good things about me, I think. But I'm not important to people. Part of it, I think, is that people aren't doing that much themselves. They go home to husbands/wives and see old friends occasionally. So I don't think most people are living any differently than I am. I go to a great meetup but people are never interested in doing anything outside the group and other social meetups seem to always end in people telling me their problems.

I don't know what the answer is but I have taken a cold-eyed look at my situation and decided that I can either have work I enjoyand have to live in the UKor I can go elsewhere and have a great social life and feel normal and included but not have a good job.

I'm perfectly happy and I think that's because I do a lot of exercise. I suggest that.

EnigmaCat · 21/12/2021 18:45

Fairly isolated here, no relationships in over a decade, depression and anxiety, so not really looking. One close friend and cat, even the cat doesn't say much.
It's a rural area so looks attractive and a garden, which keeps me occupied.
Spent so much time on my own I've almost forgotten how to be sociable and too unconventional anyway.

IsabelHerna · 27/12/2021 13:10

@yulefuel I feel lonely too. I became single a little before the pandemic, that's when I decided to try for a baby alone. Well let's just say that isolation hasn't helped me make some new friends with my particular circumstances. I have found that these forums and some FB groups have helped me, but it's not the same.

yulefuel · 27/12/2021 13:45

Thanks for all your replies. Hope you managed to have a good Christmas and treat yourselves to something. I'm glad it's over to be honest.

@LefttoherownDevizes - I don't have any particular faith so I wouldn't feel right going to church on a regular basis or something but thanks for the suggestion.

@IsabelHerna - I think you are brave to try for a baby alone. You haven't said if you now have a baby but if you do you may find that when the baby goes to nursery/school you will find friends with other parents.

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