Caring for elderly parent -siblings taking me for granted

[Maggie4]

Really fed up and want to vent. I have been the main carer for my mother for years, it has become more difficult in the last 9 months as her dementia and health have got worse. I provide care day and night (most times I don't get home till 2am). I have 6 siblings, 3 of which help out sometimes by visiting mum for half an hour or so twice a week but I'm left to do the actual caring.
I have seen them all go off on holiday without a bye or leave. I resent their ability to do this as I've not been able to have a holiday for 7 years.
I'm knackered, when not caring for mum I'm caring for my disabled son and I'm still receiving treatment for cancer.
I have also been muted in the family group chat, where my messages have been ignored in relation to caring for mum.
It came to a head at the weekend and I told them I was taking the week off and gave them a list of things that need doing for mum this week.
I heard nothing back but saw a sibling messaging what she did for mum today and the rest of the siblings praising her.
I have never been thanked, never mind praise for all I do for mum. I really can't get past how much I resent them.

I feel for you Op. Unfortunately it seems to be a 'thing' where only one sibling does the work and the others are happy to sit back. I appreciate that others may come along and say 'stop doing it and they will have to step up' but if only it were this simple.

I have a brother and sister both older than me. Granted one lives in another country but can't even be arsed to facetime/zoom them. A phone call every other week with a weather update doesn't cut it. As for the other who lives here, she tries at times but it is sporadic and not helpful.

I have no advice as I am caught in same loop with last Christmas being dreadful for us but of course not for my siblings.

Good luck Op

Are you me??

Dad was ill later end of last year and died within 8 weeks. My DB who works away from home 5 days a week did the lions share while I pitched in where I could ( single mum of 4 with 1 SEN child full time job while he has DSIL at home holding the fort). My sister who works 4 hours a day and has adult children did 2 days....did 1 day.

Yet apparently I should be thankful they helped out. Like sole care was my responsibility and they gave me a few days off!
It's been nearly a year and they will not deal with my mother's "needs" and that's my job.

Sorry I am ranting about my own issues but I know where you are coming from x

Can you start to take a week off a month and let your siblings sort the care out. Send a message saying that you will taking the first week off in every month and it's up to them to sort it out between themselves, and as from February, you'll be taking the first and last week off each month.

Sometimes people will let you get on with it if you don't stress the point. I'd simply tell them this is happening and it's up to them to arrange between themselves. You don't care how they do it. Even if they end up arranging a care home.

You're right though, they are completely taking you for granted and the only way to stop that, is to stop being so available

The only way it will stop OP is if you stop. Tell them you are only well enough to do X day, and they'll have to suck it up or she'll need to go into care which will either take their inheritance or they will have to contribute x amount a week for. And be firm. It's the only way.

You have my sympathies op.

I was at a point that I had to take time off work to get everything done for dm. I felt like I just wanted to shake my dsis who was doing "what she could around family life" whilst the default position seemed to have become that I did the rest.

I had a long weekend away with ds and dsis started to realise. Then I did a run down of all the stuff I'd done plus some suggestions of how she could help more. She does seem to be "getting it" - no idea how long it will last but it is helping at the moment.

Sending you hugs op x

That sounds tough OP.

It sounds like with the dementia, it may be time to have your mums care needs reassessed by social services. Either carers coming to the house reducing the hours you're doing or a move to a care home.

Now is your opportunity to “catch” Covid which will mean they will have to rally around for Xmas. It may be counter intuitive but you need to break away.
My grandmother looked after her parents for years, would moan about it to anyone and everyone. Of 5 siblings she was the only daughter who lived locally so felt it was her duty. However the rest of the family always maintained that she wouldn’t accept any help.
Have a break, 24/7 with dementia is soul destroying. Your siblings will probably be unaware of how difficult it is if they only spend short periods of time. They will be unaware of the relentless repeated questions. They may well be getting false information from your mum. Many families end up having big fall outs with each other because the parent forgets who they have seen within minutes of them leaving. You almost need to record your visits as proof you have been there.
Allowing your family to experience 24/7 over a prolonged period may be a wake up call. It takes you out of the loop.

That's crap Maggie4, but as long. you take the load they will always let you.

My saga.....I was the eldest and male so it was expected I'd do any caring my mum needed.Anything she needs, oh Bill will sort.

All the others were too busy to even pop in and see her (all live within a ten minute drive). Never answered the phone to her as it might mean she needed something, always left for me. Granted, my mum was a bit hard work at times, but. But made out they were always there for her to others.

I went away for a long weekend many years ago. Arrived back late Monday evening to be told by my daughter, 12, that Grandma had called on Friday and would I give her a ring. Called my mum Tuesday morning to find she'd fallen down the stairs on Friday morning. Asked her how she was and she said she was still on the stairs! She'd called the others but no-one answered, my daughter asked what she could do but my mum said she'd keep trying the others. my daughter rang my sister and said can you ring Grandma. My sister didn't. When I get there she'd been on the stairs for days, you can imagine the state. Had to get an ambulance as I couldn't move her.

She died in 2018 and they were round there like a fucking shot, sponging bastards.

Moaned they didn't get as much as expected. Think they thought my mum didn't have any living expenses.

I said they may have got less than they expected, but way more than they deserved.

I haven't had any dealings with them since. They're dead to me.

You need to step back and ignore their whining. You have enough on your plate.

I would take this week and their ability to get on and do everything as a sign that they are perfectly capable and message (maybe tomorrow) that you are glad they are coping so well, you have realised you need to take a step back to look after your own DS and your personal health issues so it's great that they can now take over all of DM's care and you no longer need to worry about it.

And then mute that siblings' whatsapp group for a few hours to let them blow up with each other.

Thank you for all the lovely responses and support. Yesterday was difficult as I missed mum, I even drove over to her at 2am this morning as I couldn't sleep for worrying whether someone had put her to bed or not. Thankfully someone had - it's a hard habit to break.
I am going to take some suggestions on board and put them into practice to see what happens.

Tell them you're creating a rota and actually do it. Send it to each one of them and DO NOT do more than your share. I know it'll be really difficult but unless your siblings are complete bastards they'll take their turn.

You need to back away from this.

We had it with my DGM; my DA and I were run ragged doing everything and the rest of them did the sum total of nothing. My DGM actually thought that I would take on the lion's share and all she could talk about was how great the others were. Even though the others begrudged her paying for stuff for herself whilst she was alive because of course, that would mean less money for them. The others all had wives at home to mind the children; I was a single parent.

The others relied us on doing it because they were not going to do so. There was always an excuse; they were busy people.

I think she realised towards the end that we were doing it all. And then of course the others took issue because they expected more money ...

If I had my time again I would have backed away. It did a number on my health.

Why are you providing all her care? If she needs this level of care have you got her assessed by the local authority? She may be eligible for funding especially if her need for care is sure to dementia. I would suggest you get some professional carers in. It's not fair for you to do it all but also it's not unreasonable for your siblings not to want to have to provide that level of personal care.

Second this suggestion by @RealMermaid. You need to approach adult social services.

Update - my week off worked. Some of my siblings stepped up and they learned how difficult it is. I then went down with covid so in isolation. My siblings are still doing the caring and have got into a good routine but are "exhausted". However I get the feeling as soon as I'm covid free I'll be expected to resume the main carer role again, not sure how to broach the subject with them re. splitting the work between us.

@Maggie4

Update - my week off worked. Some of my siblings stepped up and they learned how difficult it is. I then went down with covid so in isolation. My siblings are still doing the caring and have got into a good routine but are "exhausted". However I get the feeling as soon as I'm covid free I'll be expected to resume the main carer role again, not sure how to broach the subject with them re. splitting the work between us.

Maybe you should have long covid and therefore only able to help on such and such days?

They definitely will expect you to do it all once you are well. You need to tell them that you will not and leave it in their hands what they intend to do. You've done so many years on your own; now they can do it on their own. You are now an occasional visitor with a cake.

Put together a rota which is up for discussion and agreement and tell them it's not to be all on you.

Sympathy here, I did all the caring for my Dad. Put upon scapegoated child. I'm putting up boundaries based on my self interest now.

I really think you should do the same. 💐

I am going to think about how much I am prepared to do and message my siblings with this info and, telling them they will need to fill the gaps.

OP,

This is your chance to be firm.

How dare they mute you.

Decide what you are prepared to do and tell them to figure it out as they have done.

If you give in now and go back, you have no one to blame but yourself.

You have allowed this to happen and continue on for 7 years which is ridiculous, with 6 siblings.

Take emotions out of it.
Take how you feel about your mother out of it.

Tell them you will be doing a share and no more as you have your son and your health.

They clearly don't care for you or their mother.

So you have to stand up for yourself, your son, your health.

Just do not return to this.

You can also say I am unwell so you will all need to continue to share the load.

Don't step in an become the organiser because they will bail at times and expect you to step in.

Simply say, I can do X and the rest of you will have to sort out the rest.

Drag on your non involvement for a few more weeks so they have more timebto form a routine without you.

I repeat, if you go back to doing it all, you have no one to blame but yourself

I'm afraid billy is right, you need to have a rota, you will find it difficult to hand over the responsibility, & you are the one who currently oversees bill paying, doctor, prescriptions etc.
You can install a book/whatsapp where all the daily happenings are written in, who has been to see her, any changes of meds, bills paid etc & so handing over to the following family member is easy.
But you need to make it clear that your health does not permit you to continue until exhaustion kills you.
You have done it for 7 years with no support or gratitude & you are not taking sole responsibility any longer.

My heart goes out to you OP. My siblings are unhelpful. I am sick of all the family stress.

I can relate to this so much. It caused huge resentment for me and my relationship with my sister broke down because of it.

Do you all live nearby? If so you need to put a timetable together of when you can each go and help.

@Maggie4

Update - my week off worked. Some of my siblings stepped up and they learned how difficult it is. I then went down with covid so in isolation. My siblings are still doing the caring and have got into a good routine but are "exhausted". However I get the feeling as soon as I'm covid free I'll be expected to resume the main carer role again, not sure how to broach the subject with them re. splitting the work between us.

A diagnosis of long Covid may be the answer!

They take you for granted. You need firmer boundaries , don't worry about what they think, they don't appreciate you anyway.! Use this time to think about how much time/support you are willing to give and then tell them the rest is upto them. No discussion.