Hello All,
I am reaching out as I need help fully comprehending how I feel and what my ex-partner's reasonings are. For context, I am female, 25 and I have trouble opening up emotionally to people IRL so would really value a handhold/ some guidance.
Just over two years ago now my ex-partner was jailed for numerous situations of which I was completely unaware. Since then I have convinced myself I have a guardian angel because if he hadn't been jailed, I am certain he would have killed me.
I won't go into all of the nasty details but I would say he was one of the evilest men I have ever met. I met him when I was 20 and he was 21 we were together for 4 years. For the vast majority of our relationship, I was mentally, emotionally, and severely physically abused by this man, who although I was petrified of, I believed I was in love with him and that it was reciprocated. I know silly me right?
Since the day he was jailed, I have been in no contact and I have made huge progress with healing myself.
I say healing myself because I have done it all alone, to this day I haven't spoken to a counselor or even my family about what has happened or what I experienced. I don't know why I am not able to speak about it, I wish I could but it is as though mentally I have blocked out so much, and as soon as I feel I can speak, the words don't come out. As soon as I even attempt to touch upon the matter, like now, I am overwhelmed with emotion and the need to cry so I quickly suck that up and move on.
He was released sometime last year and he began trying to make "subtle" attempts at contact. All of which was declined and it seemed all was "put to bed". Although he never received his comeuppance, I was happy that I didn't feel I had to look over my shoulder anymore. Maybe that was wrong of me and I should have been abrasive, but I took the block and no contact route and I'm okay with that.
It's been over a year since he last made contact and so you can imagine my surprise and horror to find a Christmas card in my letterbox on Saturday. He is still jailed, which is one relief, supposedly for a long time, or so I have heard and without sounding bitter, I hope he rots in there.
In hindsight, I wish I had taken a picture of the letter to post here so that you could fully sense what I mean however my anger took over and I ripped it to shreds. I didn't want it nor the negativity that it exuded in my safe and happy home that I have built for myself. But the letter was an A6 sheet of lined paper folded and shoved inside a red and glittery Christmas card. It was a messily written, passive-aggressive note that came across as cold, bitter, angry and very unable to take responsibility.
It was a shitty letter regardless, but it was along the lines of how he is ready and realizing that he needs to seek forgiveness and that he knows I am a forgiving person. He also went on to mention how he doesn't want anything to do with me and that this letter isn't to make amends and to "not bother responding" as he wants nothing to do with me because I do nothing but make him feel guilty. He mentioned how he hopes that I am doing well though, how nice of him? The rest of the letter was about how he feels incredibly remorseful for the abuse that he inflicted on my dog, he went on and on and on about it. He then mentioned my mother and how he hopes she is well. She mentions him from time to time and I have to shrug it off but that's because she doesn't know what a monster he is and I'd rather not hurt my mother with the truth.
Now, my rant around my issue with this is that I feel it is another way of still controlling me. I don't care about what he has to say, I don't care that he seeks forgiveness. I am fuming that he claimed that he knows I am a forgiving person in a way to help himself sleep better at night because I haven't forgiven you, I never will forgive you. You made my life a fucking nightmare and leaving was the best thing I have ever done, so stick your Christmas card up your fucking ass. I hate him and the rage that he ignites inside me is a different level. But the attitude in the letter, the condescending attitude and to say "don't bother replying" I wish he would fuck off trying to tell me what to do. WHY do I feel that because of this I want to reply? and to tell him to enjoy his lonely Christmas in his cell all alone, like he fucking deserves. Typing this sounds great but I also understand what I'm up against and I remember how scared I once was of him.
Why even though I am in a better place and VERY over him do I want him to feel the hurt the way he hurt me? I want him to feel the same pain so badly.
I was already aware but one thing this has highlighted is the guilt that I carry of what my poor dog encountered too. I wish I had been strong enough to protect him and stand up for myself sooner. I really wish I had. He is safe now and always will be with me now, he is honestly the happiest boy, but my god the guilt that I carry for letting him down is immense.
Thank you xxx