I want my ex back, but I'm confused

[Alliex13]

My boyfriend broke up with me almost 3 weeks ago. We were together for a year and a half. We had a fight because I found out he lied to me, nothing big but he knows how much I value honesty. He broke up with me after this fight, said that he is “tired of fighting” but we really didn’t fight a lot, so I felt like he didn’t really give me exact reason. A week ago we met accidentally in a shopping mall and talked a little. He said that on Friday he is going to see the new Spiderman with his friends. We were supposed to go together, so I asked him to tell me later if it’s worth to go. He remembered about it and after he got back from the cinema, he texted me. We started talking about everything and stayed up till 4a.m. He said that he misses me. When I asked him why he broke up, he said that he wanted me to be happy, that he wanted to be the best for me and apparently it didn’t work because we had arguments. I said that I was happy, that all happy couples have arguments and it doesn’t change the fact that they are happy. He is a perfectionist and has anxiety, so I kind of see where he’s coming from. He said that everytime he saw me sad, his heart was breaking because he failed to make me happy. That’s why he never told me about the things I was doing wrong, he didn’t want confrontation because he didn’t want fo make me sad. I said that if I was doing something that hurt him then I should know about it, because that’s the only way I can fix it… He said that he never cared about his own happiness, but mine. And he was bottling up emotions for so long that he just couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with me, even though it hurts him as well. I said that if he wanted me to be happy then we can try again, on new terms so we both can be happy, but he said that he doesn’t see a chance that it will work out. We both go on therapy now, so J said that the main problem is the lack of communication between us and we can both work on it in therapy. Yesterday we also chatted till almost 6 a.m.

Is there any chance of us getting back together? I really love him but also worry about him, I know he’s feeling really bad after the breakup. His anxiety is worse, he said that he only wants to get drunk to not feel pain… I am very much worried about him because of it, so even when he doesn’t want to try again, I at least want to be for him as a friend because I am scared that something bad will happen if I go no contact or something. I think that we could make it work, now that we both know what the problem was. He was living in constant stress to make me happy, so If he tried to learn that he doesn’t have to be perfect all the time. And I sometimes couldn’t control my emotions, so I think it’s something I can work on too. I really live him and I really want to try again, I know that he’s feeling bad after the breakup so I think he would want it also but just doesn’t know if it will work out, but I think it would. What should I do now? Should I try to convince him that there’s a chance or just stop talking about it, be with him and wait to see of he changes his mind?

He doesn’t seem to be capable of communicating with you. He seems to need therapy to help him with this issue. Until he is ready I’d suggest he can’t handle a relationship just now and shouldn’t date anyone.

He gets drunk to blot out the pain. That’s not good. Especially if he is under age. He needs to discuss better coping mechanisms with his therapist urgently.

You’re frightened of him being (presumably) suicidal without you. That’s not good. The thing is that guys can manipulate their gf into doing stuff. Like those who say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”. Then the gf stays even though she’s sad, terrified she has no option as she feels the pressure and fear. That’s no way to live. It’s called emotional blackmail. You have to walk away from that type of thing.

You are not responsible for his decisions, good or silly. That’s up to him. If he needs counselling he knows he can contact his counsellor or even the Samaritans if he needs to. You don’t need to be involved in that drama.

Loving someone can’t make them change. Or grow up. Or start making good decisions. They have to do that themselves.

The other thing is that he may even be telling you lies about just wanting you to be happy when really he just isn’t that into you and doesn’t want to date you but doesn’t have the courage to tell you that.

Whatever the reason I’d suggest you need to spend time with your friends and keep away from him until he grows up and deals with the other issues in his life. By which time you may be even interested in someone else. Sounds like he’s a lot on his plate.

You can love someone but they don’t always love you back. It a sad truth.

I know that he loved me, he really seemed like it and all of his friends and family were telling me that too. That's why I believe him about the reason of the break up. About the suicide, it's not the only reason that I want to stay with him. I love him, always cared about him and I'm just worried still. I always wanted to support him. I don't think that he is trying to manipulate me by talking about it, because I know that he used to have times like that before. I always wanted to be with him. I want to try again with him because I love him more than anything, I think we had something special. Something went wrong, but I think that we can work it out, it's not that big of a deal to be worth breaking a 1,5-year relationship over.
I am so devastated right now

Is he your first love?

How old are you, OP?

I think you'd do well to go no contact, tbh. If you got back together, the onus is always going to be on you to be 'happy' whatever his behaviour is, and I think that was a pretty poor excuse for breaking up in the first place. It's a variation of the old 'it's not you, it's me'.

You do not have a responsibility to keep in touch with him so that 'nothing bad happens'. He sounds like has deep issues that he need to sort out before he's in any sort of relationship with anyone, but I think it might be convenient from his point of view to keep in touch with you so you can be his emotional support animal.

Cut the ties, once and for all. If he wants to make changes to himself and sort himself out, he needs to do it own and come back when he's sorted.

He's not my first, but definitely the most serious one

We are both 21.

Sounds really complicated over nothing . You're young, get yourself a boyfriend you can have fun with and not be so OTT over nothing.

If you get back together, you will be forced to change your personality to Miss Perpetually Happy out of fear that he will be triggered by any sadness, stress, slightly negative emotion etc etc that you feel. His anxiety and how to avoid triggering it will consume your life.

When you have a bad day at work, you won't be able to speak to him about it as he will take personal responsibility for it and you'll feel guilty. Every little thing set back or upset you have, no matter how minor, will have to be hidden. And God forbid you have a major problem! You'll end up crying silently in the toilet for fear of triggering him. Can you be cheerful and slap on a smile 24/7?

And what if he does something that irritates you? You can never mention it because you know how badly he will react. You already know he prefers to dump rather than discuss. He cannot cope with any negativity, he'll always run away. He deals with his own negative emotions by drinking. Every set back will mean a piss up, every upset a binge. And he'll blame you... "you were sad, so I went on the piss to cope".

He cannot cope with you being a human being who has a range of emotions, negative as well as positive. He does not see you as a human being who has a life outside him and whose happiness is affected by other people and other things. His anxiety has made him the centre of everything, including your happiness.

He is not capable of having a relationship at the moment and you cannot fix him with love. Supporting him would only be enabling him. There are some things people need to do on their own. And being capable of being in a mutually beneficial equal relationship is one of them.

that's why he never told me about the things I was doing wrong

Fuck that, he sounds like an arsehole

@Momijin

Sounds really complicated over nothing . You're young, get yourself a boyfriend you can have fun with and not be so OTT over nothing.

Exactly this. This sounds like such hard work, you'll end up miserable. Healthy relationships are not supposed to be this hard.

He sounds very self centred but is trying to put the onus on you....saying that he just wants to make you happy, that's a lot of pressure he's putting on you there, and frankly doesn't sound plausible. I think he enjoys the narrative that his anxiety can be placed at your door whilst he's the good guy selflessly trying to do good. I would leave him in the past.

You shouldn't be trying to fix each other. Chalk if up to experience, you and he are both learning how to be in a relationship, this one didn't work out. It'll hurt for a bit but then you'll move on. Stop contacting each other otherwise it'll make it harder to move on.

One of the best lessons you'll learn in life is that other people are not your responsibility (unless they are your child ofc). If he has anxiety and problems with his MH then he needs to go to the GP as he would any ailment.

Reported

Stay away from confusing people and relationships. You're not compatible.

Compatibility = lack of confusion