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Original poster

Is there a ‘deeper meaning’ behind his words

20 replies

Strawberrycremes · 20/12/2021 14:12

In January we’ll have been together 9 years, and have 2 children together. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I just have a gut feeling something is a little off. He keeps saying things that don’t sit right with me and have me questioning the relationship. Quite recently he asked if I have ever wondered what our life’s might be like if we hadn’t met. Fair enough, this could just be a genuine question but I don’t know. Then last night he asked me if I thought we’d still be together if we had no children. I told him I don’t see why we wouldn’t be. He then said if not then he’d have gone travelling and would have slept with at least 100 people by now. He laughed after he said this so I don’t know if I should take it to heart. Just feeling a bit shitty right now

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 20/12/2021 14:14

Er, hilarious. Yeah that's a bit odd.

SameToo · 20/12/2021 14:14

That is shitty. Not sure what to make of it but I would certainly be upset.

LonginesPrime · 20/12/2021 14:19

Do you think he's testing the water to confess something, OP?

It's an odd thing to say to you when he could have just thought it in his head and not said it out loud.

Milomonster · 20/12/2021 14:19

Mid-life crisis?

VioletVesper · 20/12/2021 14:22

The comments don’t necessarily mean he wants to split up but they are not exactly the type of thing someone who is happy in their relationship comes out with are they. It’s quite cruel of him, in my opinion, to say them out loud to you with no follow up (presume from your post he didn’t reassure you afterwards?). I think you need to have a conversation with him so that you can get to the bottom of it. For your peace of mind if nothing else.

TheTrinity · 20/12/2021 14:42

Trust your gut, always. I think his comments are very hurtful and not something one would say out loud unless there was more to it. I would try to have a calm conversation about how you feel lately, how his comments made you feel and go from there.

MissNothing1991 · 20/12/2021 14:52

Both of my long term ex's made comments like this... I also felt it was off, tried to laugh it off. On both occasions it ended because they'd only stayed with me for the convenience of it while shagging all round them. Hope it's different in your case and he's genuinely just making conversation.

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 15:01

How old are you both? He might just be feeling a bit reflective or he might be wishing his life was different.

Do you both get out much? Did kids change your life?

DP and I have hypothetical conversations like this sometimes.

HailAdrian · 20/12/2021 15:03

Very bold of him to assume 100 people wanna sleep with him.

SVRT19674 · 20/12/2021 15:12

I would have told him, no problem about the kids, we can divorce now if you like...
And had to laugh at the optimism that 100 people would have wanted to sleep with him without being paid.

Double3xposure · 20/12/2021 15:35

He’s either thinking about of already having an affair.

Maybe he wants to tell the OW “ my wife knows how unhappy I am, she admits that we met too young and are only still together for the sake of the children. We are more like brother and sister really “.

I’m just guessing . But I’d trust your instincts Op, these are not causal comments.

Original poster
Strawberrycremes · 20/12/2021 15:39

@girlmom21 I’m 26 he’s 27. I don’t really go out much, but he has hobbies that he goes to on weekends. We sometimes go out together, but not much. Kids have definitely changed our lives. It’s much more stressful and tiring and we did get on better before them. Sometimes I wonder if he has kind of ‘grown out’ of the relationship and has realised that he maybe regrets being settled down for most of his twenties, not being able to be a young, single man.

OP posts:
Corbally · 20/12/2021 15:49

[quote Strawberrycremes]@girlmom21 I’m 26 he’s 27. I don’t really go out much, but he has hobbies that he goes to on weekends. We sometimes go out together, but not much. Kids have definitely changed our lives. It’s much more stressful and tiring and we did get on better before them. Sometimes I wonder if he has kind of ‘grown out’ of the relationship and has realised that he maybe regrets being settled down for most of his twenties, not being able to be a young, single man.[/quote]
Well, to me you sound horrifyingly young to be settled down so thoroughly with two children, but I knew that was no life for me so I didn’t do it — in fact, DH and I met in our teens, but spent our twenties and much of our 30s studying and switching jobs and living in a few different countries on a whim — presumably no one made him settle down with children so young?

girlmom21 · 20/12/2021 15:49

I'd definitely say it's coming from a place of regret now you've said your ages.

Whether it's just a fleeting thought or whether he's truly unhappy is something you'll need to discuss with him.

Momijin · 20/12/2021 15:59

I think it is normal to wonder what your life may have been but realise that people have very different lives and the reality that having meaningless sex with lots of people who clearly are not for you isn't any better than sleeping with the one person you love.

And instead of wasting time and effort dating unsuitable people, you can do the stuff you want with the person that you love.

I wouldn't take it personally but have a discussion about it with him. Discuss the different possibilities and why it would have been better or worse than what you have now. Discuss how many people get to an age where they haven't met the right person and are unhappy. People who have wasted so much time and energy worth unsuitable people. How yes there are lots of people that you can connect with but unless you want to constantly change, you just have to decide that actually your life is better for having a certain person in your life than not in it.

Also the kids you have. I don't regret my relationships, even the crappy ones because I wouldn't be where I am and with my kids otherwise.

Mumoftwo1990 · 20/12/2021 16:02

@Strawberrycremes

In January we’ll have been together 9 years, and have 2 children together. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I just have a gut feeling something is a little off. He keeps saying things that don’t sit right with me and have me questioning the relationship. Quite recently he asked if I have ever wondered what our life’s might be like if we hadn’t met. Fair enough, this could just be a genuine question but I don’t know. Then last night he asked me if I thought we’d still be together if we had no children. I told him I don’t see why we wouldn’t be. He then said if not then he’d have gone travelling and would have slept with at least 100 people by now. He laughed after he said this so I don’t know if I should take it to heart. Just feeling a bit shitty right now
I see where you're coming from so I would just ask him, not confrontational or anything but just simply ask if he is happy. If not, is it something you can work on together because no one is ever constantly happy in a relationship that's Disney shit. It will be 10 years next year for me and my partner with 2 kids, I was 18 when we met so I've definitely wondered every so often how different my life could have been. But ultimately I am happy with my life, I just have down days which might be the case with your partner
Bubblty · 20/12/2021 16:03

Weird thing to say

dudsville · 20/12/2021 16:04

I don't think you have to dig any at all for the "deeper meaning". These are clear statements from him indicating where his mind is at the moment.

Double3xposure · 20/12/2021 16:06

[quote Strawberrycremes]@girlmom21 I’m 26 he’s 27. I don’t really go out much, but he has hobbies that he goes to on weekends. We sometimes go out together, but not much. Kids have definitely changed our lives. It’s much more stressful and tiring and we did get on better before them. Sometimes I wonder if he has kind of ‘grown out’ of the relationship and has realised that he maybe regrets being settled down for most of his twenties, not being able to be a young, single man.[/quote]
So you stay home and look after the children while he goes out on his hobbies at weekends? That doesn’t sound much fun for you OP. When do you get your child free time to do your hobbies ?

And, more to the point, it doesn’t give your DP much idea of what it was would be like to be a single dad, having his kids every other weekend . Sounds like he needs to spend a lot more quality time with his children.

Do you work full time or part time OP? If part time, I’d think about going back FT. You are very financially vulnerable , especially if you are not married.

Balanced12 · 20/12/2021 16:12

Sounds like a hopefully momentary crisis, sometimes the grass feel like it could be greener and we just need reminding not to be so bloody daft

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