Boyfriend has been fitting our bathroom for 2 years.

[Riley01]

Hi

My boyfriend decided he was going to fit the bathroom in his new house, 2 years ago. He has standard DIY knowledge and his dad persuaded him to do it himself to save money. He has a busy job though so has been (I feel) overwhelmed in doing it.

Every step there has been a problem. Last winter, we had no running water upstairs, hot water downstairs or heating for almost a month. I was using baby wipes and heating up water with a kettle to have a ‘shower’ outside.. in winter. This was in the middle of working in a hospital and trying to do a doctorate during the pandemic. We used an electric heater and ran up a huge bill.

For the last year, we have had hot running water and I have been using the shower in the bath. The whole shower has just been tiled for him to plumb it in late last night and it’s leaking into the kitchen ceiling.. and now we can’t get at it without taking the new tiles off or taking bricks from the outside of the house. He can’t turn on the isolation tap either so we have 0 running water now.

I cannot stay anywhere else, my parents are an hour away and my job is here and his dad has been rude to me in the past, so I don’t feel comfortable asking for favours off him. However, my boyfriend will say ‘well I said you could have a shower around my dads’.

Our arrangement is that it’s his mortgage and I just pay rent, so where I probably would have got a tradesman in, I’m not putting my own money into building work.

Half of me feels guilty and understanding that he is trying he best.. and the other half is at my wits end. It’s turned into a running joke at work, “is your bathroom done yet?’. Others said their house took years so I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

Does anybody has any advice on how to cope with this or opinions on whether I am being unreasonable here?

Why has this been your life for the last two years?. Why is your relationship bar so very low here?.

How much rent is he charging you? And what does that include?

The money that you have given in rent will presumably have covered the cost of a plumber many times over... I'd move out but otherwise..tell him you are paying for the plumber and will start paying rent again once debt is cleared

When people say their houses took years, they usually mean whole houses and in most cases doing up room by room so you minimise the disruption.
So they may have lived with dated bathroom whilst doing kitchen diner extension or something.
Living without water, heating etc is minimised as much as possible. With make shift solutions put in place as you go.
Your bf is doing ONE room. This us crazy.
I would also move out OP. Just use your rent money to find somewhere suitable.

You were using baby wipes and heating up water with a kettle to have a ‘shower’ outside in winter and you're paying rent for the privilege? Are you insane? He has spent two years trying to fit a bathroom? This is totally unreasonable - people do not spent two years to get a working bathroom. He will need professionals to fix this. Probably several professionals. A plumber to sort out the plumbing and a builder to fix the leaks with possibly a tiler. Did he even put the proper rubber membrane on before he stuck the tiles on? It will cost much more to fix than it would have if he'd paid two years ago to have it done properly. And his chances of getting a plumber at this time of year are possibly slim?

He is charging you rent for living in a cold house without a proper bathroom and now without any water. He's ineffectual and incredibly mean and cannot care very much about you at all.

If you want a good chuckle before you go, encourage him to try to get to the leak by taking out some bricks from the outside of the house! That howling wind and snowflakes settling gently into the bathroom will not be romantic. Getting the bricks back in properly mortared could take him a decade. It is pretty obvious that what he has done in the bathroom will have to be torn out in the bathroom and redone properly.

You really need to move out rather than popping round to his dear old dad's place every day for a shower. How will you cook or wash anything with no running water? Where is he planning on showering or is he just going to go outside and roll in the snow? I'd decamp to your parents for Xmas and start looking for a flat or flat share in the New Year closer to your job. I think you'll find most have a working bathroom of some sort. I'd ditch the boyfriend too - best not to breed with that sort either.

He doesn't know what he's doing - which is understandable, it's not an easy thing to do. He is frightened to admit to his dad that he can't do it. His dad is laughing at you from inside his working shower.

Taking the bricks out to get to a leak? Fuck that's funny.

Came across a photo of ours recently that reminded me that ours was first started in 2009.... still not finished. The bath was out of use for 2 years. Not had cold water in the bath for the last 2 years. He is heartily offended when I suggest getting someone in, yet he never finds the time...

Long long ago I have learnt not to mention to anyone if we start anything as we will certainly not finish it. It's no way to live but I'm in too deep.

I’d move out. He sounds hopeless and stubborn, a bad combination.

When you pay rent you have the right of enjoyment & that the property is fit for purpose. This guy is taking you for a ride, it's financial abuse.

Thank you for all the responses and for confirming that I am not being unreasonable.

I feel I need to clarify that we didn’t have running water for a month at the beginning of the work. Since then it’s just been like a building site, but useable, until yesterday.

In all honesty I think my low standards have come from feeling stuck in this crap situation until I have given up. I have ended up taking a year out from my doctorate because It’s affected my mental health.

I pay £200 for rent, lower than a room in a shared house in the area (£350), so I feel as if I can’t speak up as much. I haggled that rent price down after year 1 because I couldn’t afford to save on the side to move out if I needed to. My doctorate is costing a lot, so I would really be struggling financially to get somewhere by myself. I have also not wanted to move back in with my parents because they have an abusive relationship I struggle to be around. On that count, advice from my mum has clouded my judgement.

It’s often felt like it’s a choice to be able to finish my degree (which I have been working for my whole life) and stay put or leave everything, get a job and be happy.

I have been having weekly therapy, I’m now on medication and I suppose I’m starting to feel sick of being treated like a mug. I am currently exploring other options on moving forward.

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate it.

Finishing your doctorate is too high a price to pay for currently living like this. You need to rebuild your life without said boyfriend and his crazy living situation before you start to actually finishing the doctorate.

The barn you're living in and the thick bf is ruining your health.

See if you can find a share with a couple of other women to get the cost down. Negotiate if you can.

Are there grants, teach assignments you can take for tuition? I thought most PhDs were at least partially funded?

Another option is to see if you can be a live in companion for an elderly woman. I've seen situations where someone is looking mostly to have someone in the house and do a few chores.

Or look into long term house sitting.

Your health will improve immensely when you're away from the madhouse money pit.

I suppose (playing devil’s advocate here) that he could see it as he’s supported you with lower housing costs for those two years to support your phd - which, if you do break up, is only going to benefit you / your career, not him. Do you pay other bills as well or “just” the £200 rent?

That aside, if it’s causing you to pause your studying and putting you under stress then you’d not be unreasonable to move out, once you have the means to do so.

@Riley01

Hi

My boyfriend decided he was going to fit the bathroom in his new house, 2 years ago. He has standard DIY knowledge and his dad persuaded him to do it himself to save money. He has a busy job though so has been (I feel) overwhelmed in doing it.

Every step there has been a problem. Last winter, we had no running water upstairs, hot water downstairs or heating for almost a month. I was using baby wipes and heating up water with a kettle to have a ‘shower’ outside.. in winter. This was in the middle of working in a hospital and trying to do a doctorate during the pandemic. We used an electric heater and ran up a huge bill.

For the last year, we have had hot running water and I have been using the shower in the bath. The whole shower has just been tiled for him to plumb it in late last night and it’s leaking into the kitchen ceiling.. and now we can’t get at it without taking the new tiles off or taking bricks from the outside of the house. He can’t turn on the isolation tap either so we have 0 running water now.

I cannot stay anywhere else, my parents are an hour away and my job is here and his dad has been rude to me in the past, so I don’t feel comfortable asking for favours off him. However, my boyfriend will say ‘well I said you could have a shower around my dads’.

Our arrangement is that it’s his mortgage and I just pay rent, so where I probably would have got a tradesman in, I’m not putting my own money into building work.

Half of me feels guilty and understanding that he is trying he best.. and the other half is at my wits end. It’s turned into a running joke at work, “is your bathroom done yet?’. Others said their house took years so I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not.

Does anybody has any advice on how to cope with this or opinions on whether I am being unreasonable here?

Leave. Get your own place.

Refuse to return till its done (or don't bother at all)

Theoney his electricity cost could have gone towards a plumber.

And he doesn't stand up to his dad

He can take as long as he likes to finish his own house. You can vote with your feet and leave to live elsewhere. Really not seeing the saga here, to be honest. You aren’t married and you don’t have children, there’s nothing keeping you there or stopping you moving except that the cheap rent appears to suit you, despite your complaints.

I appreciate you don't have much family support but you've made yourself financially dependent on a man who has been dicking around with a bathroom for two years.

YANBU but only you can make the decisions to get out of the situation. I wish you luck.

How will you flush the toilet ?
Or cook / make a hot drink ?

You are saving £5 per day to live with no water or proper washing facilities, Wasing machine, food prep ?

You have taken a year out of your course (which I assume you are paying for the course)

You are unwell

FFS ! Move & pay the extra £5 per day
All your other problems will disappear

Sorry for spotty replies.

I pay £200 just for rent and then half of other bills. My loan covers most of my tuition but I have other study expenses that come in at around £250 p/m, so I’ve actually been working full time alongside a full time degree trying to save up to potentially move out. This has just led to burn out.

I’m only financially dependent if I continue my doctorate. I can just get a full time job and move out tomorrow if I give up my degree. I would have struggled affording rent alone and my studies regardless of the situation- but now I’ve got time to possibly move back in with parents and save everything. I was 21 when we got together, now 27.. seeing things differently.

I’m not sure where the idea that I’m staying in this situation to save £5?

The house share, living with an elderly person are things I have considered and will look into further. Thank you to everybody who’s offered support.

Has your hospital got staff accommodation ?
Sorry but I couldn't live like that degree or not.

Unfortunately, I cannot get any financial/ accommodation from my university or workplace.

At this point, I’m strongly considering moving back home and saving up, which would give me something to fall back on whilst I continue to work through my second year. I would have to travel an hour to work, and work long shifts, so the reality is that I’d be out of the house most of the time anyway.

Sorry I can’t reply to everybody, but some of the replies on here have been so supportive and helpful. I will be re-reading them to guide my decision. Thank you again.

If you've got the option to go home I would.
You'll be less stressed to study.
If you do long days it's only 3 a week.
I commute 45 minutes its ok.

You need to leave him but, more importantly, you really need to work out why you would find this acceptable in the first place or you are going to keep on choosing dreadful men who don't respect you. Do you think this is the best you deserve? Why?

Whatever you do, don't have children with anyone until you have worked this out or you will be in an even worse position than you are now.

Sorry is but in many ways, you are in an abusive relationship just like your mum. It's just a different kind of abuse.

Get yourself a job and get out of there. You can revisit uni one day once you are financially secure and not living in a dismal your environment with a man who is draining the life out of you.

Does it occur to you that perhaps it suits him to see you so stressed that you cannot better yourself? Because if you did, you'd probably find yourself more ready and willing to drop him like hot coal.

Dreams are all well and good. But as the saying goes 'it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live'. Maybe you will complete that doctorate someday. But focus on being in a safe environment, away from toxic people and getting yourself well again first. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Pinkbonbon very wise