Anyone else fed up with the "I've got it worse than you" competition in your relationship? Any thoughts on the grown-up way to deal with this?

[DaphneHarvey]

We don't seem able to support each other. Both of us feels we have a harder time of it over the other. No joy or fun left over at the end of the day. Am not competitive at all, but yet we seem to have to compete over our problems .

Perhaps you both are overloaded, so neither have any resources left to support each other. Maybe you need a re-think to see if there are ways you could lighten your loads. Perhaps you both need more fun too - both together and apart! Easier said than done I know. I know how you feel by the way...

We have the 'I'm more tired than you" argument regularly.
Dp - "I've been working all day!"
Me- "so have I!"
Dp - "but you only work part time"

(so wtf does he think I do when I finish work at 2.00, and who exactly does the school run, cooks dinner, does all the washing and ironing, shopping, housework etc etc)

I'm getting just thinking about it and he's not even here tonight!

Ugh I thought you meant with illnesses, I ahd hyperemisis, dp had a bit of an icky tummy, ds has infected impetigo, ds has a little bit of psoriasis, and so it goes on and on and on.
Oh and since 2 o'clock you sat on yer arse all day, surely you know that, the flipping fairies clean the house, now stop telling tales.

It's not just us then, I know how you feel too. We have this argument all the time. He always thinks he has had a harder day as he works and I am a SAHM.

If only he knew

lol TinyTim!!!!
Of course they do.

We both choose one thing that we really don't want to do and then try to do as much as possible of everything else so that we are exempt from chosen no-no.

Dp hate the dishes, I hate putting dd to bed (sounds bad but I struggle to stay awake).

Does that make any sense?

It is so easy to fall into that trap, we do competitive fatigue one especially.

This sounds wanky but I try to ask my dh about his stressful say first. If I listen to the answer and comment about what I hear in a way that shows I have really listened to him, I find that dh is MUCH more likely to enquire about my day in an interested and sympathetic way. I think we all just want our feelings acknowledged.

i find that if i'm sympathetic and really listen for a bit, then i get it in return. the competitiveness comes in when you're not really listening to each other.

whenever dh & i get to this point, we try and get a babysitter and go out for the night - get drunk and remember what is was like before kids.

dh is also very good and giving me 'time off' at the weekends and he'll quite happily have all 3 kids for a day in exchange for a night out during the week.

we're a household of negotiations and compromises .... trying to teach this to the kids is harder.

also perhaps just a good old fashioned arguement would be good to get things off both your chests...

hth

Like for instance DH is on domestic duties tonight (having been out for a drink and then come home at, fair enough, 8.30pm, but not his only Xmas drink, not by a long chalk) and I'm on Mnet. He has been in here, room where computer is, at least 6 times, looking over my shoulder and everything, passing a little comment or asking me a question. I get no privacy from dcs all day so now I just want him to FUCK OFF!!!!

Is that so bad?

no, just tell him you some some privacy please ...

Can't say I agree with everything Xenia says, but one thing she says quite a lot rings true for me. Looking after young kids is tiring and stressful regardless of wether you are at work or at home.

It isn't a competition, it is quite possible that both of you are equally tired, therefore it might sound a bit naff but I try to do what constancereader does and ask DH why he is tired, try to listen and occasionally ( although not as much as I used to) give him a massage. I'm sure by saying he is tired, he doesn't mean that you are not and its important not to read it that way.

Although do have to agree with Daphneharvey why can't DH just leave me alone when I am mumsnetting, and why can't he see things that are in front of him, and why when I didn't make him dinner last night did he only manage to rustle up some toasted cheese and then burn that and set off the fire alarm and making me feel guilty about his paltry dinnner.

Oops anyway yes both tired...be nice to each other... arrange night out..... take time out for yourself....

Try competing over the joys not the troubles?