What to do about my mum?

[EllieDoolittle]

I feel guilty even coming here to write about this but I have discussed it with my partner, my closest friend and my sisters and I am still at a loss about how to deal with this.

My mum divorced my dad 15 years ago I have two sisters from my parents relationship. My dad has a son and grandson from a relationship he was in before being with my mum. My sisters and I go and see dad, my half brother and nephew for a week before Christmas, then usually spend the week of Christmas with my mum.

However, every single year, my mum creates issues with us spending time with my dad, from general moodiness and refusing to speak to us to direct catty comments.

This happens every year, we have tried discussing with her about how this makes us trapped between our two parents but she just flies off the handle. We have tried arguing back with her but then she just sulks or argues back or denies doing anything. I also try to ignore it but it happens every year. I don’t know what else we can do but it really puts a dampener on this time of year for my sisters and I.

I am not saying my dad is perfect but at the end of the day, I love both my parents and want to see them both over Christmas, I don’t feel like I should just give in.

Any advice would be much appreciated as it’s been eating me up over the past couple of days.

I suppose all you can do is mention it as little as possible

@AryaStarkWolf I do try my best, if I could avoid telling her at all I would but she always asks and then the remarks start. I suppose I could lie but that could backfire, I.e if she asked to come round

Tell her if it dosnt stop then you will either not see her at all over Christmas, or see her before Christmas and spend Christmas with your Dad, so you have all the bad feeling out the way.

Go and see your father and give your visit to your mother a miss.

Tell her that she ruins Christmas with her behaviour and you are going to make other plans.

That simple.
She does it because there are no consequences.
Let her see the consequences of her behaviour.

You don't owe her a visit.
Tell your sisters of your decision.

Try to ignore her nonsense, you know how she’s going to react so say ok mum and change the subject. If she won’t drop it then hang up or leave. Show her the consequence for her behaviour is not getting your attention

What billy1966 wrote in its entirety.

Thank you so much everyone, I think you are all right, next time she starts I will just hang up and not tolerate it, as you say, she carries on because we all tip toe around without consequences

@EllieDoolittle

Thank you so much everyone, I think you are all right, next time she starts I will just hang up and not tolerate it, as you say, she carries on because we all tip toe around without consequences

Why did your mum divorce your dad OP? I think there is more to this story

What does she expect you to do? Not visit him at all?

@Anordinarymum as far as I am aware they were just completely incompatible and between them had a lot of financial issues which I think put strain on their relationship, I was only 10 at the time. From me personally, there is no more to it, both my parents have always been good parents to me (obviously except this issue) and I want to maintain a good relationship with them both

[quote EllieDoolittle]@Anordinarymum as far as I am aware they were just completely incompatible and between them had a lot of financial issues which I think put strain on their relationship, I was only 10 at the time. From me personally, there is no more to it, both my parents have always been good parents to me (obviously except this issue) and I want to maintain a good relationship with them both[/quote]
In that case she is being unreasonable and she needs to be guided by your example OP !

I would try saying that you were going to give her a couple of hours to moan, get it all off her chest and get all her fears and worries about it into the open. Then not mention it again.

You might find there's a lot of resentment, feelings of betrayal, or fears of being inferior or abandoned underlying it that once out in the open can be reassured/laid to rest.

I suppose it depends what she's like as a person and how your relationship is with her aside from this issue. If she's manipulative generally them it's probably not a good idea. If she's normally a nice mum then I'd try and help her.