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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me gain back some dignity!

12 replies

Isla2242 · 20/12/2021 09:45

I’m very friendly with one of the males I work with. I work with 95% men. I’m single and so is this particular male. We are late 30’s. He’s very atttractive and from the day I’ve met him we’ve got on super well. We hooked up on different nights out, mostly kissing etc but it went a bit further approx a year ago. Anytime I’ve been intimate he seems to have an issue getting it up. we’re in touch a fair bit via text/snap/sending daft instagram memes. I thought he might like me as one of the times we got together he said he was jealous of other men I mentioned and he said he had never met anyone like me. Anyways went for Christmas drinks and we had a fair bit to drink and I told him not to be weird with me again ( we didn’t communicate for over a month after last time getting together) and he basically said that he’s never had an issue getting it up with anyone before that and not since it either. He also said he thought I was being weird with him since the last time we hooked up. I don’t think I was but wasn’t in contact with him. When I saw him at work I was friendly as always. That night was crap and I tried every trick in the book to help him along with no success!!!🥴 he basically said he saw me as a buddy and that we’d always be the best of friends. I work with him and obviously i/we don’t cross the line at work. Not that it matters but I get told a lot I’m good looking and I do get a fair bit of male attention. I’m just embarrassed that he thinks crap of me really or doesn’t see me the same way. And that he doesn’t have an issue with any other female only me. How do I regain my dignity after being basically told by him he doesn’t want me? I’m embarrassed and hurt but I can hide that hopefully!!

OP posts:
Itsalmostanaccessory · 20/12/2021 09:48

Stop chasing him. Either he isnt really attracted to you or he has some issues in that department and doesnt feel he can open up to you. Neither options bodes well for you two to have some sort of relationship.

Be his friend. Nothing more. Stop chasing him for something he doesnt want to give.

Isla2242 · 20/12/2021 09:52

Thank you for your reply! I’ve actually never chased after him at all. I very rarely instigate communication outside of work. I’ll just have to put on my brave face I think.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 20/12/2021 10:03

"he said he was jealous of other men I mentioned and he said he had never met anyone like me"
= I'd like to go to bed with you and this is how I want to let you know I am interested and persuade you to sleep with me

"he basically said that he’s never had an issue getting it up with anyone before that and not since it either"
= I am a virile man and definitely not gay or ever unable to get it up. I don't want you telling anyone any different so I'd better make you think you are defective and causing my problem.

"He also said he thought I was being weird with him since the last time we hooked up"
= You said I was being weird so I had better hit back with ... er ... might as well just take the same accusation.

"he basically said he saw me as a buddy and that we’d always be the best of friends"
= Please don't tell anyone I couldn't get it up.

"How do I regain my dignity after being basically told by him he doesn’t want me?"
He did want you, but obviously he now doesn't want that woman who saw he couldn't get it up that time, even though she tried a hundred different things to try to make it work. Leave him alone, be polite and friendly but distanced and stop reminding him of that really embarrassing incident.

supercali77 · 20/12/2021 10:14

It sounds to me like he was covering his own dignity and passing the issue to you by saying he's never had a problem before.

dumplings1 · 20/12/2021 10:19

Exactly what @supercali77 said

blissfulllife · 20/12/2021 10:20

@supercali77 hit the nail on the head

MMmomDD · 20/12/2021 10:28

It sounds to me like a combination of performance anxiety and alcohol.
Male ego can be quite fragile and confidence is easily broken. Once it happened with you once - it’s in his head next time and worrying about it makes it a vicious circle. Plus alcohol. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness. It has all to do with the fact that men aren’t machines.

If you were dating - these things could get better as the people relax around each other. But as you only have very occasional hookups - it is not going to happen.

Unless you just continue being friends and flirt occasionally. And, over time things reset. And things might happen naturally. Especially if you take sex off the table. This taking the pressure to perform off him.

Or not. He may actually have a problem he is hiding.

Ilikepalindromes · 20/12/2021 10:31

I would just leave this one alone. Stop hooking up with him on nights out. Whatever the issue is, it's clearly not meant to be. Try and be breezy when he messages you and don't answer immediately. Never a great idea to do casual hook ups with colleagues anyway!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 20/12/2021 11:11

He's most likely lying about his ED only happening with you. Probably got a major porn addiction causing it. Definitely his issues so don't let him gaslight you into thinking its you. And don't bother with him again, until he takes responsibility for his own health issues there is no point.

Gloriagayn · 20/12/2021 11:34

Whatever the reason, I would just stop hooking up with him. It seems that it isn’t bringing you any sexual pleasure which surely is the point with hook ups. Let him go and move on.

smugsparkle · 20/12/2021 12:52

@ravenmum

"he said he was jealous of other men I mentioned and he said he had never met anyone like me" = I'd like to go to bed with you and this is how I want to let you know I am interested and persuade you to sleep with me

"he basically said that he’s never had an issue getting it up with anyone before that and not since it either"
= I am a virile man and definitely not gay or ever unable to get it up. I don't want you telling anyone any different so I'd better make you think you are defective and causing my problem.

"He also said he thought I was being weird with him since the last time we hooked up"
= You said I was being weird so I had better hit back with ... er ... might as well just take the same accusation.

"he basically said he saw me as a buddy and that we’d always be the best of friends"
= Please don't tell anyone I couldn't get it up.

"How do I regain my dignity after being basically told by him he doesn’t want me?"
He did want you, but obviously he now doesn't want that woman who saw he couldn't get it up that time, even though she tried a hundred different things to try to make it work. Leave him alone, be polite and friendly but distanced and stop reminding him of that really embarrassing incident.

i agree totally with this
AgentJohnson · 20/12/2021 13:06

God you both sound like teens. He clearly has erectie issues and wrong to infer that you were the issue but you did make it easier for him to do that by making it all about you.

Move on already and maybe hooking up with a make colleague in a make dominated workplace is not the smartest of moves.

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