Growing up with a narcissistic mother

[MrsR2018]

Hi all

I hope it’s ok to post this thread on this topic, I couldn’t quite find the right criteria for “I think my whole childhood has been a lie”

Over the years I’ve had a tough relationship with my Mam. Never met her expectations, been given a tirade of verbal/written abuse if I ever dared question her or voice a different opinion, been made to lie about a fantasy life she used to have people believe we lived.

It’s only been this last week through support from friends I’ve realised she’s a narcissist and I suspect, in the worst/strongest form.

Looking back, I now don’t know what was truthful and what wasn’t throughout my entire child/teenage years.

I no longer speak to my dad and I now suspect that’s due to lies she’s spun.

She was and still is, so dependant on me and my brother, especially financially. Considering neither of us have lived with her for at least 3 years, that should’ve red flagged a while ago but never mind.

After a huge fallout last week over Christmas whereby I expressed my wishes, I was hit with the usual torrent of abuse. For the first time ever, I didn’t get embroiled in it. I deleted her on FB/messenger/WhatsApp. She the preceded to message my husband and my mother in law, then when they didn’t respond she emailed me telling me “she would drop my sons presents off at my in laws because she won’t spite him even if I will”

I’ve decided enough is enough, I’m cutting her out. This toxic cycle happens every few months. I “stand up to her” and she flies off in a fit a rage, calling me names, swearing, making me out to be the issue. For so long I thought I WAS the issue.

I feel liberated in some ways to discover it’s actually not me but in truth am really struggling.

Has anyone else recently gone through the same thing? How did you cope?

My plan is to have a wonderful Christmas, then we move into our dream home in January. After that I’m considering reaching out to my dad then thinking I will get professional support on this.

If you’ve read all of this… well done!

No advice but didn't want to read and run.
Your dm sounds horrendous.
Well done 👏 for taking a stand.
I suspect this won't be the last you'll hear from her but stay strong.
Have a happy Christmas without her ❤️

Morning op. It's good to talk and get it out. Currently nc with my family but its very difficult (hence little sleep - awake since 5am)

Mine creates drama and conflict. I've also not contacted her in two months nearly
She has significant mental health issues. So a lot of allowances are made for her. Also I'm guilt tripped due to physical health issues. But when I visit (usually twice a week) I am mocked and put down. There's a horrible atmosphere. She would do things like cause my father to start shouting at my husband.

If you give her tea and cake she would spit out the cake saying its rotten and made of magazine.

If I bought dc clothes she'd say they didn't fit them right. Yet ones she bought (size smaller) were beautiful.

It's everything. It's hard to explain. My father had an accident and no one told me then I got nasty texts that I care about no one but myself.

Margarine (not magazine)

Keep strong op
Here to listen

It'll feel horrible now but it gets easier and you'll find that you'll gain confidence without being constantly squished by the one person you should be able to count on and look up to. There's always that child part of us who wants our mother approval. It's better having NC.

Since she's financially dependent, she won't go quietly. Expect the flying monkeys and the 'health scares', stay strong though. You owe her fuck all.

Hi. It could be narcissism, or it could be something else. I’ve been there. It’s sounds like your mum has communication issues and is also very highly strung and cannot control her emotions or responses. But also a child like attention seeker, so I understand why you use the term ‘narcissist’. I have been in a relationship with a diagnosed narcissist, and my experience is that he was more self- controlled than you describe, more secretive, more manipulative, and a compulsive liar. Your mum sounds more visible. But one size does not fit all of course, and only you know all the details. The trick (and it took me years) is to become indifferent. If cutting her off is the solution for you, then so be it. That sounds healthier than allowing yourself to be treated this way.

Mine is a weapons grade narc. We were NC for over a year but have a slightly more functional relationship these days, mainly based on the fact that I’ve put in some hefty boundaries and am also able to see her behaviour for what it is - it’s about her, not me.

I can’t control her. I can only control my reaction to her, so if she wants to have a hissy fit over this and that, she’s getting used to the fact that I won’t put up with it. It’s very hard though and I maintain a distance, which she hates.

Ps. I am not in the relationship with the narcissist anymore. I did cut him off. But it was difficult to get rid of him because he ‘fed’ off me, and so wouldn’t take the hint at first. Only when he found someone else did I eventually break free. This is your mum, so I accept it’s a different scenario.

I've had a similar mother, but mine was also physically abusive. She also re-write history to suit her victim agenda so as a result, my older brother rarely bothers with him. I always had a good relationship with him however, and from a very young age, knew something wasn't quite 'right' with her.

I've tried all my life, to love her. Support her, help her, be there for her but her lifestyle is peppered with poor choices, addiction and conflict. Someone is always in the firing line. I've always known that she's disliked the me who loves my Dad; many years ago she, during a tirade of frothing anger, told me she would never forgive me for having my father in my life. She's since totally denied saying this, in the same way that she would never admit to lying / re-writing history to paint her as a victim, blaming my Dad for affairs that never happened, ruining my step-sisters relationship with their Dad abs wrecking their self-esteem, battering me in her tremor, calling me so many names - all of this will be denied.

It came to a head last year and I've cut contact for my own mental health. I've also gone NC with my older brother. I still facilitate some sort of contact with her and my DD's (teenagers) but even that fills me with dread. She is a master manipulator and I don't want them to be drawn into the web of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). I monitor the relationship keenly and, am very thankful for having loyal, loving and open DC who, despite me not saying anything in front of them, are sensing that things aren't quite right. I think it's only a matter of time before the whole contact is severed.

I feel lighter, the burden of guilt to an extent has lifted and I don't feel so infected by her. That said, I'm mentally bracing myself for blame from her flying monkeys (she will weave a sob story to who never will listen and I know I'm judged), vitriol from brother, and when she dies in future. I don't think I'll ever be 'free' to be honest, but I'm a child of a damaged, manipulative person with a personality disorder.' I've escaped, but it's left its mark.

Have you considered counselling? I should I know. Maybe in the new year.

Sorry - been awake since 3 and I wrote that badly.

My DM rewrote history about what happened between her and my Dad. My brother swallowed the lies and rarely has contact - only when he wants something (they're similar people). Thankfully, I still have a close relationship with DDad. Maybe you should reach out and ask for the truth?

MrsR2018

There is only one way to get decent treatment from a narcissist and that is to keep your distance.

I would not bother reaching out to your dad because he is also her enabler and secondary abuser. He cannot be relied upon and has also failed you abjectly as a parent. He has and continues to choose his wife over you out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

And drop her present to your son at a local charity shop. This should not be at all acknowledged.

@AttilaTheMeerkat they’ve been separated for 20 years now, a lot of the stories now don’t add up so I suspect she lied about him to turn me and my younger brother against him. Sorry, I didn’t make that clear in my OP!

Sorry you have to deal with this. She sounds like my mil who I suspect as having borderline personality disorder. It’s the same patterns of behaviour over and over. I found a book called ‘stop walking on egg shells’ which was really helpful, might be worth looking at? It’s full of similar stories to yours and coping strategies? It will be difficult but i think you’ve done the right thing just cutting her off. You have your own life to live and deserve to be happy x

I did not realise that they were separated. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are often as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. She likely did lie about him to turn you people against him.

I would try re your dad but temper any and all expectations here. How long has it been since you spoke to him?.

Similar story here op.

Everything on her terms. I began to realise in my mid/late 20s that our relationship wasn’t the same as the relationship many friends had with their mothers. By the time I had children in my early 30s, I had understood a lot more and spent a lot of time doing what I know now is “the grey-rock technique”.

For the last 3 years, after she did something that I struggle to forgive, we’ve been very low contact (basically Xmas and birthdays). I need her to acknowledge what she did and take some responsibility before I can begin to trust her again. She won’t, so here we are.

It’s a very tough journey and not many people understand it. Lots of well-meaning comments from pals such as “but she’s your MUM” make it really hard.

I have accepted that it’s a lose-lose situation by being low-contact. No one wins. But being in touch with her would put my own emotional well-being at risk, and I’m not prepared to do that. So this is the “best” for now. I don’t know where it goes from here. I wish it was different but it’s just not.

Counseling would be my no1 recommendation. It really helped me to unpick a LOT.

Feel free to chat here. It’s a horrible realization, yet freeing too. But not sn easy mix of emotions to deal with.

There's a "Stately Homes" thread here on MN that you will find immensely supportive OP. It's in the Relationships board.

I could have written this!

Same experience as you expect that both my parents were like this: torrent of verbal threat and abuse and even physical punishment for no reason whatsoever, Also neglect and inappropriate behaviour and constant lying and manipulation.

All my mother cared about was the careful picture that was projected to the outside world so she could brag about her nice house, garden and clothes, while inside we were a miserable family.

It takes time to see through this as you have been conditioned from birth to see life through their distorted lens but when you see the reality there is no going back. It is awful to realise a big part of your life was literally a lie. I could not stay in touch with her after that and I did not go to my father's funeral.

I caught my mother telling so many lies even about other relatives, her sister for example who had been nothing but kind to her and had helped her when she needed. She instead would portray her as uncaring and having abandoned her in her time of need when the reality was completely different.

At some point you realise that these people simply will not change and will continue to peddle their delusions.

Whatever you choose to do I wanted to say that many of us know how tough it is to have a parent like this and I wish you well.

It’s reassuring but sad to read I’m not alone.

@Pegasussnail mine mocks and puts me down too. It’s so hard isn’t it.

@LittleEsme I can relate so much! The manipulating to make her out the victim is one of her worst traits. I’m so sorry you experience the same but have found some freedom. We’ve discovered that for a long time she came between myself and my younger brother. Now we’re both grown up and moved out, we are closer than ever.

@User8756777732 yes it’s definitely been more obvious that her behaviour is far from normal since I had by little boy!

@ElectraBlue it seems they all have similar patterns then, my mum is the same with the lies. Honestly I look back and don’t know how much truth there was in my entire childhood. I am definitely realising she will never change and is not worth my effort.

It's a shock when you realise a person close to you is personality disordered. A good source for understanding is Dr Ramani on YT. Counselling can be helpful but few counsellor have experience and you may get the same platitudes as you do from friends.

My ex mil was an overt narcisstist but I was clueless to the condition assuming her rants were rational. She also practiced divide and conquer amongst her children. Her son, my Ex was also narcisstic but much more covert. Getting over the lies has been so challenging as it makes you question everything. It is thought that genetics and environment play a part so I'm just so grateful my children have escaped it.

@Fireflygal oh goodness, I really do hope myself and my brother escape it!

I have learned that for a long time I had quite bad communication issues and thought get angry/shouting was normal. It’s only been since I got with my now husband I realised it’s not. His family I think are the reason I’ve turned out far more well rounded than would be expected from the environment I grew up in